I (male) have a crush on a lesbian and i don't know what to do with it

[Sam526687]

Hi, I'm Sam, still 14, haven't posted here in a while.


A few months ago I met a girl. After a few weeks I realised I had a crush on her. That very same day it came up in conversation that she's gay. This would've been fine, but then I was misinformed (unintentionally) that she was actually bi, which got my hopes up, so over the next few months I did my best to get her to like me and stuff, but I could tell she wasn't really interested, and recently I found out she was gay, not bi, the whole time. Because of this, I'd gradually convinced over the course of those few months that I had lost interest and now only liked her platonically. At least, that's my theory, that I've been lying to myself, because I realised today that I still very much have feelings for her, and it's pulling me apart from the inside. I really like spending time with her, it releases the happy chemicals and all that stuff, but I simultaneously know that she's gay so my chances of progressing further than the friend zone is 0% which just makes me feel a bit unsure of what to do with my feelings, and I know crushes are supposed to just fade eventually but I feel like it won't. Hopefully I'll look back on this post in the future and laugh at myself for thinking I wouldn't get over her.

Like I said, I'm sort of pulled apart from the inside, conflicted. A part of me wants to just keep indulging the crush, to spend as much time with her as possible, and doesn't what it to go away. Another part knows that this can never go anywhere and the best thing for me is to get over it as soon as possible, while also worrying that I won't/not knowing how to. I don't know what to do. If anyone has any advice, I'd really appreciate your help. If not, thanks for reading, I appreciate the chance to vent my feelings.

[Heather]

Hey there, Sam.

You know, in these kinds of situations, I actually prefer to think about it as the person just not sharing the same kind of interest in you as you do for them. Whether that's because you're not a member of a group they are generally or most attracted to/want to date or some other reason, it really doesn't make any difference, you know? All the same, if and when we know that we have a kind of feelings for someone that they don't or aren't likely to share with us, our decision-making process around what to do with the relationship we do have with them is pretty much the same.

Do you like hanging out with her in a platonic capacity? Do you want to have a non-sexual and non-romantic friendship with her? What is the relationship you have built with her so far like? Do you both like being part of it? If getting over your crush just means changing how you are thinking about her, or just giving these feelings time to grow into other kinds of feelings that are a good fit, how would you feel about that? It sounds like you do enjoy spending time with her.

A reminder that a friendship is "somewhere." It's not just romantic or sexual relationships that matter or have substance or that can be a big deal in our lives. <3

[Sam526687]

Yeah, I guess the reason she’s not interested in me is pretty much irrelevant.

We do have a relationship as friends which is fun, and I do enjoy spending time with her. I suppose if all I need to do is keep living my life and let my feelings naturally change then that’s fine, but perhaps I could forcibly and deliberately change the way I think about her - though I don’t know how I could do that.

Yeah I guess I could just keep being friends with her and let that go platonic relationship naturally strengthen with time. Seems like my only option really, there’s no magic solution.

Thanks for your help Heather, you’re an absolutely awesome person for creating and running this site!

[Carly]

Hey Sam526687 -- I don't think there's a way you could forcibly and deliberately change the way I think about her, but I think something that would be useful is experimenting with what would help you most in letting some of those more intense feelings fade a little. Perhaps taking a bit of space, even temporary, would help? Something I do is turn text notifications off to try to separate the person or their attention from those happy chemicals.