I’m hypersexual but the idea of actually having sex disgusts me.

[intjtechno]

I’m not sure if this is just because i’m 16 but i’m hypersexual due to trauma. I don’t think this interferes too much with sexual topics but I start to think about getting a boyfriend or having sex and it makes me grossed out, not uncomfortable, it just sounds weird to me. i am gay, i like the idea of having a boyfriend, but “boyfriend” has romantic and sexual ties that i could never see myself fulfilling.
I’m a trans guy and maybe the prospect of my partner not seeing me as a man is a turn off or simply just not liking or trusting people enough is my issue.
masterbating is almost a chore at this point, and i don’t know what’s wrong with me or if this is just something people experience.
if im hypersexual with no interest in actual sexual activity, am i asexual? is it weird for me to not want a partner at all while still being sad that i don’t want one?

[Sam W]

Hi intjtechno,

Gender feelings, trauma, and desire can certainly create a bit of a tangle sometimes, and it's not all that strange to have conflicting feelings about wanting a partner. To start with, can I ask what being hypersexual means in this instance? And are you on T as part of your transition?

You mention that part of this is stemming from having a partner feeling weird to you. Can you say a little more about what feels weird about it? Is it mainly to do with the worries that a partner would not affirm your gender?

[intjtechno]

i feel the overwhelming need to masturbate to the point it’s annoying, almost every thought i have is sexual and at times it grosses me out but other than that i’m pretty used to it. my brain can make any topic into something sexual and then i need to get off due to it even if i’m not necessarily turned on.
But no, i’m not on T as i’m pre-everything (hormones and surgeries)

The fantasy of having a partner is great, i love the idea of confining in someone and having a person that has mutual trust and respect. But i’ve had partners in the past and none of them worked out on my end. i truly believe they liked me but i could never like them in the same way. i would fake it because i liked the idea of being liked but it caused me to dread opening up messages or going on dates because i never knew how to fake being romantic or in love. i loved them, for sure, just not in the way people in love would describe it.

it’s like a higher form of platonic love, as in i would prioritize them over others. however i couldn’t imagine kissing them because i felt like i got something out of it, if i ever kissed someone it was because i was expected to.
so for awhile i thought i was aromantic, but then it started appearing with anything sexual as well. my partner one time proposed the idea of having sex and i guess my face showed it all. he didn’t bring it up again. the idea of someone seeing me naked or me seeing them naked (in a sexual sense) is something i could never imagine myself enjoying.

i don’t know if i’m just like this because of sexuality or if there’s something wrong with me. i can never explain how i love the idea of a partner but hate the execution, or how i have to jerk off just to go on with my day but would never have sex.

[Michaela]

Hi intjtechno,

I'm sorry to hear how much your sexuality is causing you some distress. I want to start off by saying that there is nothing wrong with you. Sexuality is a big, messy thing that is experienced in many different ways and can take some time to figure out. First, I want to answer a couple of your questions you've posted about asexuality and feeling some conflict between having certain sexual thoughts and desires for things like masturbation but not for other romantic or partnered sexual relationships. Asexuality is a huuuge spectrum that is experienced in a lot of different ways. How you have described your sexuaity can be one way that some people who identify with the label of asexuality experience it. You can have desires for a close relationship with someone where you both prioritize and care about each other, while not being romantic or sexual. At 16, being in this area of questioning is more than ok, and frankly quite normal. Like I said before, it can take some time to understand and your sexuality can also change, especially as you explore other parts of your identity, and that's also totally fine. All this said, I cannot tell you whether or not you are asexual or aromantic because that is something that only you can know for yourself. But, below are two resources that you may find helpful.

• AVEN: Asexuality Visibility and Education Network – This website has some FAQ's and a forum where you can read more about the experiences of others.

• Just the Basics, Ace: An Asexuality Primer

I completely understand wanting to have an answer right now and how it can be frustrating not being able to fully describe these conflicting things you're feeling. What's most important is that eventually you get to a place where you feel comfortable with your identity and where you don't feel like you are having to fake anything with anyone.

After reading through those resources, does anything feel relatable for you? Or bring up any other questions/thoughts? I know I didn't quite touch on everything you have mentioned but I first wanted to give you a couple of those resources. If you want to talk about your feelings about masturbation or your gender identity more, we can do that too.

[intjtechno]

thank you for the resources, i feel like a lot of lgbtq spaces tend to define labels as an identity which made it harder to choose and then explain my choices, so i was always left with a ball of word vomit. i know people who would reduce my labels just because i am autistic and therefore i would not be considered the same when compared to others under the same label.
i’ll read more anecdotes about aro / ace people and see if anything sticks for me.

thank you so much for responding, i was worried that i was forcefully putting myself into a box to try and “get attention” or whatever as i’ve never talked openly about my sexual or romantic feelings.

[Sofi]

Hi intjtechno, hope it's okay that I chime in. As someone who is also neurodivergent and queer, I want to tell you that only YOU choose your labels (or lack of!) and you're no different than the next person, yet also unique. We each have our own sexuality whether that involves your orientation, gender identity, gender expression, whatever you want. Sexual orientation and gender are different, yes, but remember intersectionality - you're not a gay man AND a trans man...you're a gay trans man. And whether you have sex or not, masturbate every day or not, have romantic feelings for people or not - all of that is part of who you are and doesn't have to be individual labels. Sexuality also changes, so as Michaela mentioned, it's normal at your age to still be figuring it out and it isn't set in stone. I love that our sexual identity can change over time because it means we don't have to put ourselves in a box and conform to that. It's normal for you to feel hypersexual in the way you described, but not want to have partnered sex. Don't put any pressure on yourself to either have sex, or consider yourself asexual if it doesn't feel right. You're YOU and the most important thing is that you're comfortable with what's going on in your life.