Penetration is kinda weird

[HummingBird16]

hi! Sorry, this might be long! So I am 19 years old and have been masturbating since I was around 11/12. For the longest time I masturbated by simple squeezing and rubbing my thighs together and I felt great. Every once in a while I would try to rub my clit but it was either too sensitive or would take to long so I stuck to my hand-off approach. Last year I bought I vibrator and started masturbating with it and it felt amazing!! So much stronger than my previous method. Since then I have only been using the vibrator and have even orgasmed a few times by just rubbing my clit but that makes my arm cramp up and takes a lot of time.

I got to university and almost all my friends are sexually active except me. The most I have done is make out with some boys at a party. A few months ago, I decided to try vaginal penetration . I always masturbate and few times to get myself wet and then use my finger. The first few times it hurt as I tried to find the correct hole and angle. But then slowly over time in became easier to finger myself but there was zero pleasure from it. It didn't feel like nothing, I could feel my finger inside me and I tried doing the 'come hither' motion that I read online but it felt weird and not pleasurable. Sometimes I would try to move in-and-out and it would hurt the inside muscles (maybe I'm not doing it right?). I have tried to insert 2 fingers but the first time I did it, it hurt near the entrance. The second time I tried, it didn't hurt (progress?) but it felt very tight like I think my hymen was being stretched and if I had pushed in it would rip, so I removed my fingers and continued only using 1. No matter what I do, how wet I get, penetration does not feel good at all. I have tried using a vibrator on my clit while a finger myself but it gets too confusing for me in the sense that I can't get the proper spot for my vibrator and at the same moving my finger inside me, it all feels like too much work and I can't enjoy it.
And now I every time I thing about getting intimate/fingered/sex with a guy, I am worried that it won't feel good as I associate penetration with what I am feeling now which is no pleasure and sometimes pain.

Prior to this, even when I had no penetrative experience, I wasn't this worried about intimacy with a guy. But now I feel like I don't have any sexual experience for someone my age and even when I finger myself it doesn't feel good, so how will it feel good with a guy? This has put this block in me and I am worried that I will never be able to achieve any sexual pleasure with a guy which I want so bad. Isn't fingering supposed to feel good? Now I am also worried about putting anything bigger cause it will either hurt or not feel good. I am scared that sex is gonna hurt and won't be fun and pleasurable at all...How do I move on from this? Will I be stuck like this always?

[Siân]

Hi Hummingbird16,

Welcome to the boards

So this is actually a pretty common experience! A lot of folks come here feeling pleasure from some kinds of sex or masturbation and not others, and feeling a bit weird about it because most of the movies and things give us the idea that there is one "right" way to do it. The good news is that whatever the movies say, there are loads of ways to have sex that don't involve something that doesn't feel good to you. People can use their hands and mouths and bodies against one another in any way that feels good - you get to figure out what that looks like with each new partner. Heather talks more about that here: What's sex? . How does that sound?

Right now, I'd suggest that if you do want to do more than make out with someone, that means a couple of things:

1. You're gonna want to have words for talking about what you do and don't want. Like with manual sex - if someone wants to use their hands on you, you can tell them all the things you *do* like, and say no to the things you don't, e.g. "I like it when you touch my clit like this, but nothing inside thanks"

2. Don't force yourself to try things that you're really up for. For real, the reason to invite someone inside your body is because you *want* them inside your body. Maybe after spending a while trying other things with people and really learning your turn-ons there will come a day where you feel like trying some kind of insertive sex - for *your* pleasure - maybe there won't. But there's nothing to stop you having a fun and fulfilling sex life without it.

Anyone who doesn't listen when you tell them what you don't want, or like you "should" want things that don't feel good for you...well they are not doing consent well, and that's a red flag to me. Ideally, you'll both be talking to each other about what each of you wants from an encounter.

What do you think?

I'm going to leave you with a couple of things which I hope will give you some perspective. The first one is an alternative take on how big of a deal penis-in-vagina intercourse is, and the second is about the kinds of context that's needed to feel good about having someone inside your body - like being relaxed, turned on, emotionally ready and lubricated.

Is THAT All There Is?
First Intercourse 101

[HummingBird16]

Hi! Thank you for your response! Being intimate and not being able to enjoy it because of my worries and past experiences does scare me but my main source of discomfort is penetration. I want to feel all the great sex and pleasure that people talk about but I feel that I can't. Why does fingering feel so weird? Is it normal that I can only insert 1 finger? I first started fingering myself cause I wanted to make myself ready for when I am with my partners but now I feel even less unsure...

[Siân]

Okay, well the good news is that you can have all sorts of sex and intimacy based on the things that you do enjoy - all that external stimulation that you've been enjoying for a while now. You don't have to do penetration if it doesn't feel good for you.

Maybe fingering feels weird because you're not super turned on, maybe because it's not the thing that does it for a lot of people with vulvas, maybe because it's just not your thing. Trying to force yourself for someone else's sake - to be "ready" - is only going to put the pressure on which could make it feel worse not better. When you're not enjoying something, all the pelvic muscles around your vaginal canal tense up and make it smaller, more likely to be uncomfortable or painful. That's why we recommend only going in if you're feeling relaxed, aroused and, most of all, *wanting* to do it. Like that example on the diving board in the First Intercourse 101 article, sometimes your body knows when you're not ready for something and resists to keep you safe.