Sexual arousal

[Bubblegumkid]

I've been dating my boyfriend for almost a year now. I lost my virginity to him and i love him veeery much. Despite being in a long distance relationship and seeing each other whenever he comes back, we have a good solid relationship. We both love and trust one another. We've only had sex once which is when i lost my virginity, it wasn't that great but i think it was because i was anxious about it(neither of us reached climax). He has fingered me but i have never reached an orgasm. I recently gave him a blowjob (which was my first ever attempt ) he sais it was good but he didn't orgasm. Are we dong something wrong? I sometimes thing there is something wrong with me . I don't get as horny as i think i should when with him. I am able to masturbate and orgasm with ease but i haven't reached climax with him

[Heather]

Hi again, Bubblegumkid.

I'm wondering if you can perhaps fill me in some on what happened with you two, and your decisionmaking process, since your last post around the end of December, here: viewtopic.php?p=59712#p59712

One of the reasons that I ask is that it sounds to me like there was a lot of pressure then about having sex (intercourse, all kinds of things are sex, including blow jobs, not just intercourse), and that you may have caved under the weight of that pressure. Or not: maybe something good happened in your talks around it, or otherwise. But I feel like it would be helpful to know to help sort some of this out.

I can say that there is no "right" way to engage in oral sex, nor a "right" amount of sexual desire. Too, no kind of sex means someone will orgasm: what people orgasm from and when varies a whole lot. But I also want to check in about that recent history to get a better sense of why you seem focused on doing or feeling things right or not, rather than focusing on how satisfied you do or don't feel or if this sexual relationship feels right to you or not. If it doesn't, that would certainly explain not feeling much arousal!

[Bubblegumkid]

After us having sex i never regretted it. It didn't meet my expectations at that point but I've never regretted it. I could say that i decided to do it partially to please him but i was also ohk with it because i really do love him. I decided to try and give him a bj as a means of exploring and trying something new. I wanted to do it out of my own will (no pressure) . I don't know, maybe i thought i wasn't doing enough since he was always the one too satisfy me (by fingering, since we've only ever had sex once , when i lost my virginity. We've never really gotten another chanve to have sex because I'm usually on my period when i see him). I guess I'm just afraid of not doing the right thing or doing it the right way. I guess i just want to be good. Am i doing too much for him? Sometimes i don't like the amount of "power" he has on me since i love him so much.

[Sofi]

So, there's a few different things going on here. For one, you really care about him and want to pleasure him - and that's okay, he's your partner! But as you said, you don't want to ever do anything JUST because you want him to feel good - you want to also want to do it. So it's okay if you gave him oral sex because you wanted to try something new AND you knew he'd like it too. However, if you ever feel like "I don't want to do this but I'll do it because I love him", that's iffy territory. Love is not enough of a reason to have sex (of any kind, including manual and oral) if you're not enthusiastic about it. It sounds like he doesn't pressure you, so that's good! But don't let yourself pressure you, either, if that makes sense.

That being said, I also want to talk about you feeling like you're not good enough in that department. The truth is, as Heather explained, everyone has different preferences when it comes to sex and there isn't a one-size-fits-all method. You could have tons of experience and it won't mean anything because every partner likes different things. This might sound a bit overwhelming, but it isn't if you communicate with your partner. This is extremely recommended to everyone when they start a sexual relationship with someone new. You can have a conversation where you figure out what he likes and how he likes it, what he wants to try, etc; as well as what he doesn't like, doesn't want, and what his boundaries are - then you of course share all that about yourself too. This can be a fun conversation and it will lead to you not being in your head as much the next time you have sex because instead of wondering "am I doing the right thing/doing this the right way", you'll have a better idea of what he wants, the same thing when he's pleasuring you, and ideally you can even feel comfortable enough to talk to each other during the act. This will lead you to enjoy yourselves more and feel less anxious about it. Does this make sense, and is it something you'd be willing to try?

[Bubblegumkid]

The part about me not pressuring myself does make sense . I'll work on learning more about what i actually want and whst I'm actually willing to try. I'll try speaking to him when i actually see him in person again. I feel it's better to speak about it in person rather then over the phone. I think we're at that stage where we're both comfortable enough to speak about our sexual preferences and expectations. Thank you so much for the advice it has really helped me put my mind at eass and figure out a better approach to the situation.

[Sofi]

I agree, and it's the type of conversation many people prefer having in person if possible. I'm glad this helped, best of luck! <3