frustrated and confused

[ogawa.blue]

Hi, im kind of writing from having everything build up over so many years and wanting to just say it to anybody and have any help. Im 19 and born female and have had struggles as long as i can remember with my gender. I remember always wearing my brothers clothes and detesting 'girly' things as a kid and when i was thirteen crying myself to sleep many times because I didn't have a penis. I though that this stemmed from the fact that i was bisexual and was just realizing i was attracted to girls but as i got older and watched more *adult content* i, a lot of the time found myself wanting to be the man in the videos. I was blessed with a tall frame of 5'11 and flat chest and was always obsessed with binding my chest as a kid before i knew what it was to making my chest as small as possible. all of this would be hard enough but the part that makes me the most confused is that sometimes i don't have a problem being a girl and do genuinely like being in a dress and girly things, but other times someone will call me 'her' and internally I'm just heartbroken. Im so confused as sometimes i wake up perfectly happy and in fact want to be the hottest bitch around and other days im just in agony that i was born like this and my heart skips a beat when someone calls me he. As I'm getting older the times I'm wanting to be seen a male increase and now that im starting to be interested in dating I'm starting to get dejected with the fact that i cant be a man when it comes to sex. There are even times i just feel like somethings missing between my legs, like its just, gone and its a weird feeling. I don't think id ever transition as like i said half my life im completely content being a girl. It's just so frustrating and confusing as i feel so distinctly 'she' or 'he' some days to the point 'they' feels like the wrong pronoun.

[Michaela]

Hi ogawa.blue, and welcome to Scarleteen!

You've come to the right place because we love talking about all things gender. It sounds like you have been doing a lot of introspective work which is great place to be at, although also frustrating at times to not have all the answers. Everything that you described are completely normal ways to experience gender because, like sexuality, gender is flexible and can change even on the day-to-day level. Some people who have these experiences have connected with the term genderfluid. However, your gender identity is only something that you can determine. I just wanted to provide some language that may help as you as you are exploring. We have an article that dives into this topic and explains some of the basics of gender identity a lot better than I ever could:Gender Confusion: Being unsure doesn't have to be a bummer. There are some more resources at the bottom of it that you might be interested in as well.

After reading it through, is there anything from there that resonates with you? Or that you have more questions about?