I want to but I tend not to…

[Jennyszki]

Hey…I don’t really know how to start this but I’m quite desperate…I am having issues with my sex drive. I first had sex the beginning of last year with this guy that I really thought was just my best friend but progressively throughout the relationship, he became very manipulative. Hed throw my past in my face and belittled me in such a way that I didn’t notice. Through the time it took for me to get over breaking up with him, I began to dislike him so strongly that I started having nightmares. I got these weird psycho vibes from him because he started doing weird things behind my back. We live in the same apartment building which trust I learnt my lesson for, but I feel unsafe. The nightmares go as far as him breaking into my apartment and abusing me. I know that he wouldn’t physically touch me but he once slammed a door into my face…literally. I had a bruise for a week. After we broke up, I slept with other guys but all where very unsatisfactory. Even with him…I lied a lot about climaxing. To be honest, im the only person that can do the job but now I haven’t had sex in 6months and haven’t masturbated in 4. I don’t know if it’s medical? I have had a few uti’s recently but I know. I still have erotic dreams but never act on them. Sometimes I really want to but then think no, I’d rather just sleep. Is it because of my ex? Like have I finally come to terms with how i was manipulated in to sex? Like before I gave him my virginity, we had a bath together and it was the first time I was fully naked infront of a guy. We got in the bath and he said “ if you think about it, being naked and fully exposed to someone is losing your virginity…so congratulations.” And a then a few days later, we where kissing naked and he just…went in… without asking. I feel very manipulated by him trying to dilute the seriousness of my first time. Phew… So my question is would this make my sex drive disappear? I would really like some help… I’m not sure how to move on.

[Sofi]

Hi there, welcome to the boards. I'm really sorry that you went through all that, your ex sounds like he's not a great person, so I'm glad you got out of that situation. Having nightmares can happen when you go though trauma, and being manipulated into sex and everything else he did would certainly be cause for such trauma. The good thing is, you're not in that relationship anymore and you're taking the right steps such as cutting him out of your life. Do you want to talk more about healing from that relationship, or about his comments about losing your virginity (which is a social construct and you can decide how you define it, so what he said is just untrue)?

It sounds like what you experienced with him might be affecting your current sex drive, and that's normal, and we can work on it. Since our brain is our largest sex organ, it can definitely influence our sex drive if anything is 'off' mentally. This doesn't mean it's gone forever, by any means. But maybe for now you could focus energy on working through your feelings about all this, and starting to heal (however that looks for you). Have you talked to anyone about what your ex did to you, whether that's a friend or a mental health professional? And are you open to doing so?