Scarleteen

I got a boyfriend and thought I was ftm till I met him.

A little bit of a back story-
I’m 15 and I didn’t know I was trans up until 6th grade. Since sixth grade I thought I was ftm(female to male) and went by he/them or he/him pronouns. Now I just got out of freshman year(9th) and going into sophomore year(10th) but near the end of freshman year I got a boyfriend that doesn’t go to my school which are where all my friends are at. I didn’t tell him I was trans so he thought i was female and since he didn’t go to my school he couldn’t hear my friends call me by my pronouns.
Now after being with him after a few months I’m confused about my gender. I’ve sent nudes to him and idk if he’s being nice or truthful but he says things like “you’re hot” and then I feel good about myself. So now I’m confused about my gender.
Recently I told him that I used to think I was trans and that I’m still confused about it. He says he doesn’t want me getting the surgeries or the testosterone cause he says he will be less attracted to me and might even break up with me for the surgeries(which I don’t want the surgeries anyways except maybe top surgery nor do I want testosterone I think) he’s also not attracted to the same sex, which is males, and says he doesn’t know or isn’t comfortable with being gay but says he will try to call me his boyfriend but is fine with me and my friends calling me my preferred pronouns.
Honestly I’m just really confused about my gender now. I’m happy with my girl body with him but I also want to be a guy with other people. I like my chest with him but I also want top surgery to be a guy. I’m so confused.

Hey there, wo5, and welcome to the boards.

Before I dig into who you might be, I want to talk for a second about your boyfriend.

It's really not okay for a partner to say what he has said to you like this. By all means, in some long-established trans couples, some partners of trans people have a whole range of feelings about things like surgeries as well as their own sense of *their* identity in relationship to their partners. But this isn't the way. That kind of talk absolutely should only follow a partner first *affirming* you and supporting you, then taking stock of their own feelings and then ASKING if they can talk about these other things with you. It also is really icky for someone to center themselves when a trans partner discloses like your partner has, and ickier still to threaten to break up with someone because they are trans or because of how they might medically transition.

Frankly, this doesn't sound like a great person, period, let alone a partner for a trans or questioning person. We can talk about that more if you want. (I am also going to suggest you stop sending nudes to him and ask him to delete yours, being sure he does. There are giant and really scary potential legal consequences for minors both sending nudes themselves and for those who have them.)

Who YOU are and what YOU want for YOURSELF are all things I would strongly suggest you think about separate from this guy, or from any partner, for that matter. What they do or don't want can't tell you who you are and what you want. And if what you want or feel okay about when it comes to your identity is contingent on if a partner will stay with you, that partnership is probably not good news, you know?

Before you met this guy, were any medical interventions -- like puberty blockers -- something you were thinking about doing anytime soon? How about finding a trans-friendly therapist?

Gender and gender identity are fluid, and by all means, we can go back and forth about some or all of it over a lifetime, let alone just in the formative years when people tend to be pretty focused on gender and gender identity.

Ahh I don’t know how to respond properly but I’m going to try.

I read what you said and had a discussion with my boyfriend, he says he didn’t realize how much he sounded rude till I talked to him about it. He’s genuinely trying to start calling me his boyfriend and using my preferred pronouns but he’s still iffy about the surgeries.

About the nudes, I’ve never put my face in it just in case. I trust him a lot because he’s a really sweet person but I never really thought about the legal consequences so I’ve been definitely thinking a lot about that. I told him that I want to take a break from that stuff for awhile to think about it and he’s supporting that and saying it’s okay.

I want my boyfriend to be happy with my body but I also want top surgery. As I said, I like my body when I’m with him but i also want top surgery too. I don’t know what to do. Me and him have been talking about it and he’s still not on board with it saying that it’ll be so different when I’m telling him I’m going to be the same person.

There were no medical interventions other than birth control to help with my period. The birth control made me stop having a period even tho I’m on a light dose of estrogen and that’s about it.
I told my mom that I’m trans when I was in 6th or 7th grade and she would keep asking questions about it even though I told her I was uncomfortable with it. She mainly did it whenever we were in the car so I couldn’t get out the situation. Around the same time we would get into a lot of screaming fights almost everyday and I couldn’t be in the same room as her and always stayed in my own room. One of these fights got so bad and she was screaming things like “OHH I WANNA BE A BOY SO IM GONNA TALK SO COOL” over and over all because I was calming talking and not raising my voice like she was and that was around one of the first times I had a full blown panic attack and not being able to breath. This happened a few times so eventually I told her it was just a phase and that I don’t want to be a boy anymore.
So I couldn’t get any medical interventions or therapists for it. I’ve asked for just a normal therapist and my mom said sure but never kept to that.

So yeeah

Hi wo5,

I'm glad your boyfriend is going to start using the correct pronouns for you, and that you've told him you're taking a break from the photos; those are both really great steps in setting boundaries for yourself.

I think one thing to keep in mind with surgery, other than it being a few years away as an option (since it sounds like your parents wouldn't support you in it, meaning getting it when you're legally an adult is the likely path), is that your boyfriend doesn't have to spend the rest of his life in your body. You do. Which means you get to have the final say in what changes you make to it. If those changes end up being a deal breaker for him, that's fine, even if it will suck to break up; but that break up would also free you up to find someone who's attracted to you as a guy. It's also a little worrisome to me that he's not believing you when you say you'll be the same person after surgery (which you will). That sounds like he's putting a lot of value on your chest and your being attractive to him.

I'm so sorry your mom was (and is) so unsupportive of your coming out and being trans. Do you have any family members who were supportive of you? And do you have much access to queer and trans spaces at all?