Relationship

[euphoria]

My girl best friend doesn't know what to do when im stressed. last night i was having a breakdown and she didn't know what to say nor do. it makes me really upset because i needed her support but she couldn't give me any. she isn't the type of person to make things up with direct communication or say her feelings; so we haven't made up yet; Im the opposite. im wondering how do i understand her better? what do i do when she's the one i want support from but she's not giving me any? how can i make up with her?

[Heather]

Hey there, thanks for moving this to the boards.

Before I say much else, have you two ever had a talk -- at a time neither of you was in crisis or upset -- about this kind of support/communication mismatch? If so, how did it go? If not, are you open to trying to have that kind of talk with her?

[euphoria]

We did before and it went really good. She told me that she has a lot going on in life and sometimes she doesn’t know what to say but it’s still unfortunate when im upset she can’t help. i understand what she’s going through when im not upset but when i am everything goes out the window

[Heather]

Thanks for this, that's helpful.

When you say that you were having a breakdown, do you mean a really big psychological breakdown or some other kind of giant upset? I ask because if so, it's actually pretty common for most people not to know how to handle that and to shut down around it. Sometimes, the only people who can do a good job with that kind of headspace are people who have actual training to know what to do.

So, one thing I want to see if we can't work out is what you are looking for from her, and then we can check it to be sure it's a realistic or fair expectations, you know? It might also be that if you had an extra source of support at times like this, she might not feel so overwhelmed?

[euphoria]

I was just really upset but i wasn’t thinking at all. I wanted for her to be supportive like saying like calm down or try to breath or it’s okay instead of leaving my messages on open. that may be a lil unrealistic. i would like extra support in times like that but im not at that stage with my therapist. i had my first session yesterday but i don’t have her number yet.

[Heather]

Those things all sound like totally fair asks to me. She can of course say no if she doesn't feel able to do them, but there's nothing outrageous about these asks. Too, when someone says they don't know what to do like this, sometimes what they actually need are very specific asks like this. So, it may be that if you can talk to her and start a discussion with something like, "You know, when I'm upset, I'd like to ask if I could get some kinds of specific support from you, like...." and then you talk about those specifics.

You can also ask what *she* needs. Does it feel different knowing you have a therapist now? Is there something she needs to feel safe or secure? What about an agreement about when it's okay for her to tell a supportive adult so she can get support too? If she's your best friend, it probably is really scary for her when you're upset because she loves you, you know? All the more if, like it sounds like, she's not the kind of person who gets upset in that way.

[euphoria]

okay, maybe i could ask “hey blank when i feel super upset ik that you don’t know what to do and i understand that but what would really help is you just saying stuff like it’s going to be okay, take your time, step back and calm down, etc. stuff like that really goes a long way.” I also want to add an apology if i made her feel overwhelmed. She doesn’t have a good relationship with her parents or any adults.

[Heather]

That sounds good to me, save that I would encourage you to frame it as an ask. "Could you..." or "might you be able to" for example, rather than "what would help." The former framings will help support her in feeling like she has a choice, and that if some or any of what you are asking for is outside her capacity, that's okay, rather than something for her to feel bad about. Know what I mean?

I think it's okay to apologize if that feels right for you. Getting upset isn't you doing anything wrong, that's okay, too, but you obviously know her and your relationship, and you also know what it's like when she feels in over her head. <3

[euphoria]

i understand. thank you so much. this made me feel a lot better. i will use what we discussed today and if i ever need i’ll use the discussion board or the messages again. it’s really refreshing to talk to someone like you in my time of need.

[Heather]

I'm so glad I could help. I hope that this goes well for you both, it sounds like you care a lot about each other. You know where to find us if and when you want any help or support again.