I can't masturbate, short of

[mangomangomango]

English isn't my first language so l apologize for all the grammar mistakes.

I identify myself as a demisexual and I'm not sure if that has something to do with my situation. I have anxiety and there was a lot of problems and emotional and physical abuse in my family growing up. I have always had poor body image but my new partner makes me feel beautiful so it's getting better day by day!

My sex drive is a joke. I have never felt the need to have sex/masturbate, at least not a strong one. I still have a lot sexual fantasies and I want to do sexual things but not cause my body needs sexual relieve if that makes sense. So sex is something I have on my mind and people are saying that's a sign that there shouldn't be anything wrong with my sex drive..and yes I can get aroused if i watch porn/read erotica or have sexual fantasies but if I try to masturbate (I started at 15), it doesn't pay off. It feels good for a couple of seconds and then just stops (Only when I touch my clit, nothing else works for me). I usually don't have a desire to even do it cause it always ends the same for me.

This situation gives me anxiety cause it's pretty common to read those "I don't feel anything when I masturbate" posts but that's not the case here. I do feel something at first but then everything just stops. It makes me really sad cause the feeling before that happens is good (nothing mind blowing tho). I wouldn't call it build up but as soon as I feel pleasure, it stops AND fast. I don't understand why this is happening and I'm scared to have sex because of it.

Everytime someone has the same problem with masturbating as I do, they have announced that they have never felt anything during sex with another person, not even with a romantic partner. Do I have to accept the fact that I will never be able to enjoy sex and masturbation or does this sound like something that is associate with my mental health, negative body image and anxiety/fear. I really want to enjoy sex with my partner cause it's important to me and something that I truly desire. I hate when people say that I'm just asexual and there's no way for me to enjoy sex and "You should stop desire sex with your partner cause you can never enjoy that. It is just a part of who you are and you can't change that".

[Carly]

Hey mangomangomango -- welcome to the boards. And no worries about grammar or anything, I think you did great!

What you're describing is one of the most common things users write in to us to talk about on the boards. Our bodies are all so different, so sometimes it can be hard to tell someone exactly what will help in cases like this. But one thing that is the same amongst nearly everyone is that our brains are our biggest sexual organ. We do end up finding through talking with users that blockages to feeling pleasure often start with mental health difficulties like negative body image, anxiety, depression, and frustration. That's absolutely a place where we can start.

When you try to masturbate, what kind of mood are you in apart from aroused? When you go to masturbate, do you find that you also think something like "well it probably wont work this time" or anything about the difficulties you've had?

[mangomangomango]

Thank you!

I usually feel pretty neutral when it comes to my mood. Sometimes I start to masturbate just because I'm bored or because I want to relieve stress. I know that you shouldn't masturbate when you're not in the mood for it. It's just a bad habit.

I tend to masturbate if I notice that I have been thinking sexual things or having sexual fantasies through the day. Like I said, I don't feel the need to masturbate but I feel like I'm emotionally aroused pretty often.

It's really easy for me to lost focus when I masturbate because I have so much anxiety about it (and things in general).

I always try to focus on things feeling good and not think the outcome. I don't usually stress whether I have an orgasm or not. But I really want to feel pleasure longer than 10 seconds.

I'm very open to try new things like toys both with myself and my partner but it's not possible right now.

[Carly]

Ah, I see. I do think getting distracted by anything - especially anxious thoughts - can lead to some some difficulties feeling pleasure. Again, the brain does so much for us during sexual activity that wandering away from the task at hand mentally can make a huge difference. Something that we see happen often too is people so aware that they usually have trouble masturbating that there's some added pressure even through they're by themselves - do you ever feel that way? I think your approach of concentrating on feeling going throughout rather than orgasm is a really good way to relieve some of it, but I'm wondering if it still lingers or if it is a thing for you at all. Again, just running through some common themes I've seen amongst users who have very similar experiences.

When you say you're open to trying new things but it's not possible, what do you mean? The next thing I was going to suggest is trying a new way to masturbate, as people often find that they actually have a lot of different preferences they didn't expect to have. I also saw that you said you've been afraid to have sex because of what you're experiencing- can you say a little more about that?

[mangomangomango]

Hi!

I meant that we don't have any toys yet but we are planning to buy some. Yes, I have been trying new ways to masturbate as well but right now, everything feels the same as before. However I still think doing that has helped me to understand my body more so it's okay that there isn't any clear signs of progressing yet. I also feel much more comfortable with masturbating in general. There was a time when I could only masturbate by using a pillow or through the clothing.

When it comes to sex, I'm just worried that I don't feel anything or like it. As I said, I'm a demisexual but I'm afraid of not liking sex even tho I really desire to have it with my partner. My pleasure is very important to him and he's been really insecure and afraid of not be able to satisfy me. We have had manual and oral sex but I was really nervous at those times so it's pretty obvious that it was really hard for me to enjoy it. We communicate a lot and he knows that this isn't his fault, he's very supportive.

[Michaela]

Hi Mangomangomango,

It's great to hear that you're feeling more confident about masturbation and having a curious and open mind about it. It does sound like those anxious thoughts and expectations you are having about wanting to feel a certain type of pleasure could be causing some of the trouble at the moment. You mentioned that you communicate a lot with your partner which is great, more specifically, have you talked to him about this pressure and the worries you are having?

You mentioned nervousness, in particular. Are there things in the past that have made you feel more comfortable and less nervous during a sexual experience? Maybe that is vocalizing the nerves you are feeling to your partner, slowing down the pace, being in a location where you feel very safe, etc.

[mangomangomango]

Hii!

I always make sure that my partner knows that I know he's doing his best and there is nothing wrong with his own actions. If he's stressed or sad about the situation, we cuddle together and talk about it<3

I think my anxiety and poor body image are the main reasons why getting turned on is so hard for me. We try to make the situation comfortable for both of us so there is a lot of communication in there.

It's easy for me to get physically aroused but not mentally (with him). It's the opposite when I try to masturbate or when I'm not with him. Like he can get me aroused mentally and physically really quickly throught text messages but face to face I get anxious. I still love him so much.

Slowing down the pace sounds a good idea.

[Mo]

I hope slowing things down can help. Are your body image or anxiety something you're currently seeking out any mental health support for, or is that something you're interested in pursuing? It's possible that working with a therapist or other mental healthcare professional could be helpful.