could my mum have found something?

[Lyle Lanley]

i am 15 and recently i bought a clitoral vibrator, here in italy sometimes they sell those in automatic machines along with condoms.
i've been using it when my family is asleep, or when my brother is out of our shared room and my parents are elsewhere.
it's my first time with a real toy since i've been doing it with my hand since i was about 11, and with the shower since last year.

there have been two instances when i fear my catholic mother has found my toy. one is when i hid it under my pillow and the next morning it was on the floor next to my bed (but another hypothesis is it could have rolled out as i moved during the night).
the other one was this afternoon when i opened the drawer where it usually is and when i went to turn it on, the battery was not in there. i don't remember the last time when i took out the battery, though i do it sometimes. so i don't know if my mum took it out or i did without remembering.

but if she knows, i'm scared of what she thinks of it. i never mentioned to her my self-pleasuring habits, and I've always been scared of what would happen and how she would react if she knew. as i have mentioned before, she's catholic. but once i found a vibrator of hers when i was looking for a hair cream she said was in her room. i have not commented on hers. and if she found it she hasn't said anything... yet. if she brings it up later like "mcjupiter, we have to talk. i found..." i wouldn't know what to do and i'm scared that she will ground me and check my social medias and web history.
basically i feel like i am unsafe and almost in danger; and this prospect makes me anxious. help me please!!

[Michaela]

Hi mcjupiter,

First of all, I think it should put your mind at ease to know that your mother also has a vibrator. To me, that suggests that she understands the value of masturbation and that it is not something that should be punished or seen as unnatural. However, I completely see how having something that is intimate to you potentially becoming known to someone else can be quite anxiety-provoking.

It sounds like you touched on a little bit of possible shame around your masturbation habits, please correct me if I'm wrong. So I am curious more about what your relationship with masturbation is like. I'm asking this because having a solid sense of your own beliefs and values around it may be helpful if your mother did find your vibrator and decided to have a conversation about it with you. You also mentioned that you haven't ever talked to her about your masturbation habits. Although it is sure to be a little uncomfortable at first, is that a conversation you would want to have with her? Or do you feel like this is something you would rather keep to yourself?

You also mentioned your mother's Catholicism being a large part of this narrative. Are there beliefs around sex that you share within that identity as well?

[Lyle Lanley]

thanks a lot for your answer.

yes, she does have a vibrator. but i thought that she would only be ok with adults doing it, not her 15 year old child.

but a conversation we had on the exact day where i posted this made me feel as uneasy as it did less anxious. she started with saying that her friends who are also mothers of teens were talking about porn, and she asked me if i watched it. i answered no, although i do watch amateur/female produced mature videos sometimes. she then proceeded telling me about how bad the industry was, how women suffer and are turned to objects, how it reflects in society etc. and i was uncomfortable as she said that this was a terrible world and she trusted me not to see those things. when i knew how bad it was. and it was awkward.
somehow the convo also touched on self-pleasure, but like, a brief mention so i did throw in the fact that i do it sometimes (aka when parents & brother are somewhere else or sleeping) and she was okay with it. then said i had to be careful with hygiene cos "putting something that is not safe or dirty can cause infection since our privates are very sensitive". and that i know.

despite all this, i still fear her judgement. dreading questions like "where did you find this", "did you put it in" etc. at least i know she does not condamn the act itself.

i would say i do not have much shame about my masturbation habits, but when i am in the shower i am a bit scared that mum or dad know what i'm doing, (esp dad to who i never talk about anything sex related, as i'm not comfortable discussing this with a cis adult man) and now with my new toy i think the same, despite having tested and the noise of it cannot be heard outside my room.

[Heather]

Hi there.

I wonder if the best way to try and manage your feelings with this has more to do with learning how to accept that your mother (or other people) will make judgments about any number of things, and finding ways to just accept that, than trying to figure out if she would have feelings about this or not? After all, you can't control her feelings or opinions. What you *can* control to a large degree is how much weight you give them and how you deal with *your* feelings or fears about them.

Let's say, for instance, that your mother did have a negative opinion of younger people using a sex toy. What do you think you could do in that case to accept that, recognize that's just her personal opinion, and then make your own choices with this based on what *you* want and think for yourself?

[Lyle Lanley]

heather, i think if she had a negative opinion of it (which she probably does) i would be very scared of ending up in trouble. which i am. since she's been very strict all my life about many things, told me not to do drugs, drink, watch porn etc. how do you think she'd feel about me having a sex toy? i think i'd either throw it away (despite having spent a whopping 20 euro that i would've rather spent on "safe" things like food or jewelry) or just try to hide it as best as i can.

also, i would've wanted to open another thread on this but since it's related, i'll say it here. i'm going to dublin on a school trip in exactly a month from now, and while i'm away for a whole month, i wouldn't want my mum or dad or brother finding it, so i'd like to bring it to ireland. now, this may not be the best site to ask about this, but this is advice more psychological than legal; which i'm not even sure you can give.
but can i bring it? if i'm still 15, and if i, say, put it in a small bag and disguise it in my makeup nesessaire or hide it between the clothes or in a hat like in my drawer, although i know they have xrays. could i get in trouble and stop the trip due to it? or would they take it out and ask what it is, giving me quite the embarassement?

ps it does have batteries which i'd take out and buy when i get there.
pps if anything of that happens i can just throw it in the garbage anyway :/

[Sam W]

Hi mcjupiter,

I can see how having your mom be so strict about things related to sex could lead to you feeling stressed about having the toy around. It may be worth, down the line, figuring out ways to learn and express your own values around sex, but that's more of an internal process than a practical one like figuring out where to stash your sex toy.

As for traveling, I think taking the batteries out will give you the best chance of keeping it from being noticed when you go through any kind of security. Too, while I can't speak to specific laws, the worst that's likely to happen if it does get noticed is that you'll be asked to throw it away, which is what you were already fearing you'd have to do to keep your mom from finding it.

[Lyle Lanley]

update update!

i was able somehow to get around it by asking her out of genuine curiosity, if she sees every info about what i buy from my credit card (which was given to me in occasion for this trip specifically).
she said she sees everything, then asked me "why? do you want to buy something forbidden?" i ask her what she means by forbidden, saying alcohol as an example, and she said "well, alcohol is one, but also hot stuff, sexyshop..." and gave no more examples. now i know she isn't okay with me owning sex toys; so the one i already own will be thrown away asap, but not in the garbage in my house, in a garbage can in the streets or something, so she won't find out. that's the same thing i did with the box.

it's for the better. then again, might buy an electric toothbrush or something, but in cash or my mum will be on it cos i already have a toothbrush. or i might just use the shower head if the one in the house is detachable and has different modes. i do it already at home and i think my mum is on it but doesn't want to tell me.

[Mo]

It is really up to you and what you feel safe with! If you'd like thoughts on where else you could store the toy where it would be less likely to be found, we could talk about that, but if it feels like getting rid of it is the safest option for now, I can understand that.