A problem with "premature" ejaculation... maybe isn't

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New advice column from Heather: A problem with "premature" ejaculation... maybe isn't premature ejaculation

ctguy asks:

My boyfriend and I started having sex about a week ago. Our first time was also my first time having sex. The three times we've had sex so far, I've finished a lot earlier than him, and a lot earlier than I want to. Basically I'm on the brink of coming by the time things get hot and heavy near the end of foreplay. I have no problem getting him off and I've managed to hide my quickness so far by pretending to come into a condom or tissue. But it's hard to keep up the ruse, and sex would obviously be a lot more enjoyable if I had control over my own stamina. Is this something that happens to all guys their first few times, or is there something I can do to fix it?

Heather Corinna replies:

When people are new to sex in general, or with a new partner -- in your case, both! -- it's totally typical to find they have a hard time reaching orgasm, that it happens more quickly than they'd like, or to experience other ways where sexual responses either aren't what was expected or what they might be when they're more familiar with all of this stuff. If you're only getting to orgasm more quickly than you'd like with a partner -- not having that happen with masturbation -- you can be sure this is probably just about the newness of partnered sex, as well as sex with a brand-new-to-you partner.

It's also most common for young people who've got a penis to find that the length of time it takes to reach orgasm with a partner will tend to start off shorter, and will get gradually longer over time as you get older and as you become more comfortable and familiar with sex with a partner and your own body and sexual response. Same goes for the intensity of orgasm: getting there faster rather than more slowly can also mean orgasm that feels more mild or uneventful rather than super-wow. And it is also typical for people who feel really turned on and excited to reach orgasm more quickly than they are when they're not really turned on and excited.

Do know, though, that on average, once genital stimulation starts, people with penises tend to reach orgasm in less than three minutes. It usually takes longer to make microwave popcorn. I can't know what "too quick" means for you, but if it's somewhere in the vicinity of a few minutes, know that really can't be "too quick," because it's just what's typical. If it seems like your partner's erections hang around way longer than that, it may be your partner is someone not so typical in this regard (or that he's having the opposite thing happening you are, where having a new partner means it's taking him longer than usual). Since he's your first partner, you might be incorrectly assuming that whatever is going on with him is what should be going on with you, rather than getting that we're all just different, and there's neither a right time nor a wrong one for people to reach orgasm within. All there is is what happens, whenever it happens.

This is all new, so it's not going to feel like sex tends to when it's something you're more experienced and comfortable with, and how it can go when we and a partner have really explored a lot together to know each other better. People generally just don't arrive at knock-your-socks-off-awesome-sex right at the gate: it usually takes time, practice and communication to get there, more than a few days, weeks or even months. That all said, that doesn't mean there aren't some things you can do so that this all feels better, in all the ways it can, and you can feel better about it.

The very first thing I'd suggest, the thing I think is also the most likely to make a huge difference, is that you stop pretending you're not reaching orgasm when you are, and creating mock-orgasm performances later. Seriously, you have to stop this if you want sex to feel great to you and like something other than a sad farce.

That, all by itself, has to be feeling pretty crummy. You're not going to be able to connect much to any partner if you're putting on an act, and you're probably going to feel pretty disconnected from your sexual self, too. A partner can't learn about your body and sexual responses if you're giving them the wrong cues: any kind of faking misinforms a partner and really keeps them -- and you -- from being able to find out what does and doesn't feel good to you and what works for you both. Faking orgasm, in any respect, doesn't provide people with sexual satisfaction: we know that it instead creates big barriers to satisfaction.

Sex where people really connect with each other and the experience generally can't be about performance: instead, it's about just experimenting, experiencing and going with the flow. It's rarely, if ever, going to be as fun, and feel emotionally good, if we're putting on a show rather than just going with our own flow and having the authentic experience we're having, including whenever orgasm happens; including when it just doesn't happen. Karen B.K. Chan did a great video, based on a wonderful essay by Thomas MacAulay Millar, that I think expresses some of what I'm saying here beautifully, if you want to take a peek.

You get to come when you come: it's not like it's only okay if that happens in a certain timeframe. It's okay whenever it happens; it's okay for a body to respond however it does. Sex with you is about sex within and with your body, after all, so any kind of sex you have needs to leave all the room in the world for what your body can or cannot do at any given time, or does or does not do outside your control. Sex with yourself or someone else is supposed to be an expression of how and what you are feeling, and your own sexuality and self. That's usually a big part of what makes it feel like something exciting, and big and rich.

Read the rest: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/bodie ... jaculation