who/what am I?

[Sam526687]

Here’s my current feelings:

I’m 14, straight, and male. However, I’d really like to wear a skirt - in fact a full outfit, panties and a bra with water balloons in it, skirt and blouse, socks and shoes, maybe a wig and some makeup, and a black leather collar, locked with a padlock. See, I’m also a bdsm submissive, and i’d like to be owned, by a girl. This desire seems to be heavily linked with my desire to dress like a girl. I identify as male but I think I want to be an owned girl.The thought of the female clothing being locked in my body turns me on as well. While dressed I would use she/her pronouns.

Here’s where it gets interesting; I’ve never really had physical fantasies. I have little to no interest in actual sex or sexual activity. I can get hard from thoughts of being owned and dressing as a girl, but when i try to masturbate i feel nothing - as such I have never orgasmed. One masturbation method somewhat works: I can rub the head of my penis with my hands in my pockets, kinda pushing it back and forth between the two hands. it sends rushes of painful/frustrating pleasure through my penis, but it’s not a particularly enjoyable feeling, i’ve only managed to do it very occasionally, and it has never lead to orgasm, i just went soft again.

for these reasons i’ve considered that i might be asexual, kinda, getting horny off of relationships rather than physical stuff. but now for yet another plot twist; i do find some girls attractive based on their appearance. because of that and my sort-of-wanking, i’m not so sure.


The reason I described my current feelings and desires in so much detail is because I want to know if this is a thing. Anyone else with the same, or at least similar, feelings to me? Is there a word for it? If there’s anyone else who feels this way, have you ever orgasmed? If so, how? I feel like I’m lost on a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean, and I’d really appreciate a big ship coming and showing me the way to the island where I belong - because i don’t think the mainland is where i belong. Hope that makes sense. Thank you in advance!

[Sam W]

Hello fellow Sam!

I think something that might help is to think of your interest in feminine presentation and submission as being separate from your interest in sex overall. They can certainly overlap, but sometimes when you're feeling all tangled up trying to figure your identity out, it can help to look at each string on it's own.

When you think about that gender play, is it always in a sexual context? Or do you sometimes think of it as something that would be fun or freeing but not necessarily sexual?

Too, when it comes to your sexual orientation more generally, it sounds like you do experience sexual desire or attraction to some degree (including the crushes you mention and the times the fantasies about gender play create sexual feelings for you). Do you feel like there are things that "disqualify" you from being straight? Or do labels like demisexual or asexual really resonate with you when you encounter them?

[Sam526687]

I did look into demisexual, and I guess it could be, but I’m not sure - I think I’d have to have an actual relationship to figure it out. The thought of dressing like a girl almost always if not always gives me a boner, but I simultaneously it feels like a feel-good kind of thing, so maybe it exists as something other than a sexual thing, but again it’s very difficult to know because i’ve never actually done it. The only time it doesn’t turn me on is when I’m thinking about it in a practical way, how I can and wear female clothes without people finding out (because other than one friend who I trust, I don’t want anybody in my life to know, especially not my parents). I don’t get the ‘feel good’ sort of flemings from that either though, so I think it’s just because I’m more strategising and thinking about money and other non-exciting things, rather than the actual dressing.

Honestly I don’t think any label 100% resonates with me right now. Demi and A don’t, right now at least. I’m sticking with straight because although i’m not your traditional straight cis guy, those just seem like the best i’ve got, despite often wanting to dress like a girl and use she/her pronouns, and not having as much physical desire.

Getting female clothes seems like a good start, so I can explore how it makes me feel.
Maybe I should try get a girlfriend as well to explore my feelings there. Interestingly, I’ve mainly had vanilla feelings for my one and only crush (talked about on my last post) - I had some small domination fantasies early on - I also have some desires there, but they aren’t as strong - and as a dom i’m definitely male, and somewhat more physical as well. They went away pretty quickly because I don’t really get sub vibes from her, so now my feelings for her are purely vanilla. When I look at all this it seems so contradictory, and I’m just like ‘wtf am i’. But I guess I should start exploring!

However, I do also wish I was just normal, fully straight and male. I think it’s partly guilt from society and stuff, but also it’d mean i could just feel sure about who I am and who i’m attracted to, and have more options too - I do worry about how many dominant girls there are who want a guy but dressed as a girl and not in a very physical relationship - and out of those how many i’d be compatible with. I do believe relationships are grown over time, and there’s no such thing as soulmates or anything, but ‘compatibility’ is definitely real to some extent- it’s not like anyone has the potential to love absolutely anyone who fits within their sexuality. I know I can’t change my sexuality or identity and it’s who i am and i should be proud of it and all that shit, but still. I’ve heard that it’s not unusual for lesbians to fantasise about guys because of subconscious influence from society, so maybe that’s what my male dominant fantasies are, and why they’re so much weaker? Fuck it’s confusing. Thanks for the reply though.

[Valerie J]

Hi Sam,

Thanks for sharing all that. It sounds like you've got a lot of thoughts swimming around right now that can be very overwhelming.
If labels are not sitting right with you right now, that's okay. Labels around sexuality or gender identity mostly serve as a reference point of understanding for folks. That is to say, they are not a requirement, they can just be helpful. And labels can also be incredibly restricting. You speak of a desire to be a "normal" cis het man and frankly that concept does not exist. Everyone's idea of normal is different and is truly socially constructed. So I urge you to try to have compassion for yourself as you continue to explore because even this "ideal" version you speak of really doesn't exist.

I think sticking to Sam's idea of trying to understand your desires around presentation of gender separate from your sexuality is a good place to start. Along the same vein, you mentioned considering dating. You jumped right into things not being sexually compatible but I think that's a necessary point of reflection. Sex is only one component, if a component at all, of romantic relationships. If you are interested in finding someone romantically, make sure you are looking at them as a whole human, not just a sexually compatible individual. So you feelings for your crush that you say are "conflicting" because they do not meet your sexual standards, is not conflicting at all! You can feel many things and they do not all need to be represented by one person. On top of that, even in BDSM relationship, it can be common for things to begin quite "vanilla," as you put it. Having a healthy relationship within that scene requires communication and trust that need to be built outside of a scene. So give some space for that in your mind.

Additionaly, I can confidently assure you that there are plenty of women in the world that fit into the category you are describing, so do not despair! I also think it's worth pointing out that while you've got an idea of what might be interesting to you in bed, a lot of people your age are JUST starting to figure out the basics of sexuality and what they may be interested in. So, it may be new to other people to start thinking of kink dynamics. Just because it doesn't seem so right now doesn't mean it can't or won't happen later.

The other big thing that I'm hearing is that a lot of this has been in the hypothetical, correct? Do you own any items of clothing you would consider to be "feminine" that would allow for the expression you desire? If not, would a small step of possibly buying ONE item to have, seem possible for you? I think it's really easy to get caught up in our heads about ideas we are not tangibly engaging in. Would maybe a small accessory (necklace, earrings, bracelet, etc) or a hat or scarf or even that skirt you mentioned, be a good starting point? To test some of what you are feeling.


This was a lot of suggestions and ideas. How are you feeling about all this? Has anything resonated with you?

[Sam526687]

I think you’re right that a label would be restrictive if anything here. I guess it’d make me feel better having a fixed identity, ‘this is who I am’ kinda thing, which is human nature. I think I just need to be patient, and when I figure things out, I’ll pick a label, even if it doesn’t represent me perfectly, as it’s got that useful function of help by other people understand. It does make me feel somewhat better knowing nobody is ‘normal’ though. I really hope I’ll manage to orgasm at some point though - everyone says it feels really good and all that, so i’d like to experience it.

Weirdly, even before I hit puberty I’ve been kinky, so in that sense i’ve been unusually sure of my sexuality early on (when i was 7/8). If Freud’s theory about the five stages of phyco-sexual development is correct, i guess that’s just how my libido was manifesting at the time, so it was normal.I also see a lot of other kinky people online saying they’ve had it since they were 8, so again, normal. It’s probably not healthy to be worrying so much about being normal, and like you said m, nothing is normal, but I guess I’m just scared.

And yeah, it’s all hypothetical rn. Once I found an old skirt of my sister’s in the attic, but it was from when she was a small child so I couldn’t get it in sadly. I can’t ask to borrow any of her current skirts that might fit me because, as I mentioned before, I’m in the closet except to one friend. Anyway, the plan is to get some feminine clothing and see where it goes. I can’t get earrings because my ears aren’t pierced- and in fact I haven thought much about jewellery in general, unless you count a collar, which I don’t really. Oh holy shit, I haven’t mentioned [these posts are pretty much just transcriptions of my train of thought that I format afterwards lol] that I have worn a collar and a leash!

I was 13, and my main thoughts had been about BDSM. I’d been a girl in some of my fantasies, but I’d dismissed it and was mainly focused on being a submissive. I went to a pet shop and bought a collar and leash. They weren’t exactly what I wanted/want, they’re meant for dogs, but when I went to be I put on the collar and instantly got very horny. I put in the leash and I got even more. Then I lifted up a table and put the handle of the leash through the table leg so I was leashed to it. Ironically this made me feel very free, probably because I was expressing my true self. My penis had also reached a size I didn’t know it was capable of growing to (was never able to replicate it), and I really thought/hoped this would be the moment I finally get to experience an orgasm. It wasn’t, as I’ve mentioned before traditional wanking doesn’t make me feel anything. After that I took them off, out of fear of being discovered wearing them in the morning. The next night I did it again to less effect, but I slept with the collar on, and wore it until about 12am the next morning (this was when online school was still going, so I worse it until a teacher made me turn in my camera). Since then neither have made me feel anything and they feel just like strips of fabric - if I wear a collar again it needs to be a leather one, and a leash needs someone to hold it to be interesting.

Sorry for the long tangent, but that’s the one time this has been more than hypothetical. Anyway, planning on getting a skirt and, though this might seem jumping into the deep end, wearing it in public. I’m not going to do it in my local area where I might see people who know me, but I’m planning on getting a black miniskirt that doesn’t look super obviously feminine - if people looked and thought about it they’d see i’m wearing a feminine skirt, but I’m pretty sure people going about their own business won’t really notice/care. I’m very excited to do this, and I will post updates to that plan here.

Also thanks for the paragraph about my crush, that really helped.

[Siân]

Hey Sam526687,

I totally agree that letting yourself be patient and figure this out is a great approach here. There's a reason I leave my sexual identity and orientation as "figuring it out" on here. I have a bunch of ideas about what words do and don't suit me at this stage in my life but being able to sit with a bit of fluidity and change is freeing in a way too, Questioning can be a useful placeholder label whilst you're exploring! What do you think?

I'd say that being patient and letting yourself figure it out slowly might be a good thing to try and embrace for masturbation too. Some people figure out something they like pretty quickly, but for many of us it can take a long time - years even - to work out what really feels good. I get the desire to orgasm, but the thing with orgasms is sometimes the harder we're trying the harder it is to have one. Pressure is the enemy of orgasms, whereas a bit of mindful exploration - letting yourself try stuff and just noticing how it feels without judging - can help you find and build pleasure over time.

The other thing I'll say about orgasms is that sure, they can feel great, but they can also sometimes not feel much more exciting than a big sneeze. What makes the difference is mostly the context - the build-up. This is another reason why curiosity and putting pleasure first is so useful!

It also makes sense that the collar felt so good the first time but less so the next. For some people, the best fantasies are ones they return to again and again, but often novelty or newness is what makes a thing exciting. When it's less new, some of that first excitement can wear off. Does that make sense?

If trying a skirt feels good to you then great, go for it. I might recommend trying it on in private before you go out in public, just so you know how it feels and acts when you walk around in it. Skirts can have minds of their own and it's good to move around in it a bunch first so you know what you're dealing with! Constantly yanking on a riding-up skirt can feel distracting, unless that is part of the experience for you

[Sam526687]

I guess Questioning is quite a good label, so I’ll use that for people who I tell, if ever.

Good to know that about orgasms too, I guess I’ll be patient there as well. It’s probably worth noting that wanking does maintain the erection - if I stop it goes down again - so I guess I’m doing something right.

The feelings I get from wearing a collar were definitely based on the novelty - I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, just that it’s important I find what I like long term, not just the novelty of it.

And yeah, definitely planning on wearing the skirt in private first, so I know it fits properly and I can walk in it and all that.

Thankyou Sam, Valerie, and Sian, I really appreciate all your help and support. I’ll post an update on Operation: Buy a Skirt at some point - hopefully it’ll be a positive one.
Thanks again!

[Siân]

I'm so glad you've found this conversation helpful! We're absolutely still here if you want to talk any part of this through some more