Scarleteen

I have gone from spending most of my life (I'm 50) with a quiet, private knowledge that there is something up with my gender identity, to considering that "if I was a teenager today I'd probably identify as NB" to actually accepting that the label applies to me.

(coincidentally followed the same type of journey with accepting that I'm autistic)

Now I have this new problem.

For the first time I'm telling others that I'm non binary, and then having the most intense imposter syndrome afterwards.

Spiralling thoughts of "do they think I'm deluded" or "did I contradict myself and somehow prove that I'm not really NB" and so on.

So far I've only told my husband, and my therapist, and a trusted friend. They were all very accepting and affirming and did not invalidate me at all.

I think this has something to do with how up to now, because I was closeted, I could just dismiss other people's opinions about my gender because they were inevitably wrong.

But when someone actually knows, their opinions somehow feels a lot more powerful and the potential that they might doubt me feels frightening.

I am struggling between the excitement and pride of owning my identity, and the need to protect myself.

I don't really need for people to know, but I need them to know at the same time.

Hi!

I want to start by saying congratulations on taking this step in your journey. This is huge and I hope you are giving yourself a much deserved pat on the back.

I will say this, reading your post I had a very strong "oof. I feel that in my BONES." reaction. What you are feeling is unfortuantely something non-binary people (like myself) feel all the time. The constant guessing of yourself and if coming out is worth the rejection that might come. Those are real and not fair. I think contextualizing it is super helpful. You've told me yourself that you know who you are. That is so key to hold onto. There is no "one way" to be nonbinary. Nonbinary or genderqueer means you just dont fit in the parameters of binary genders. So if you feel that way, you are. It is really that simple. Because gender is a social construct, you get to construct it or reject it in any way you want. You can be nonbinary and not change any thing about yourself (pronouns, presentation, hormones, etc) and you will still always be nonbinary. There is no test you have to pass - in fact you've already passed it by your own proclamation.

Because you are not just fighting individual opinions its important to think of context. Trans and non-binary identities break power structures that have historically been predicated on gendered systems of oppression. So when people are resistant to understanding trans and nonbinary identities, they are not just resisting their personal opinions but also the power they may recieve from the gendered systems. When we reject the gender binary, we reject the patriarchy, we reject white supremacy; we reject it all. So your battle is a big one. But you are so not alone in it.

I hear your fear. I do. And its very valid one. No one will judge you for not outing yourself in spaces where you don't feel safe to. That is always going to be up to you and you alone. It does not invalidate who you are for you to not verbally announce your identity. Cis people never have to do that and you should be afforded the same right. That being said, if coming out feels GOOD to you, let's find a safe way to do it.

Do you have any friends or coworkers you would be interested in coming out to? A good way to gauge people's reactions is to start up conversations around gender identity and see how people respond. Even just starting with asking people's pronouns can be a signifier.

I'm attaching two articles that may be helpful and I encourage you to explore our very vast amount of articles as you think about this topic.

Becoming Out: A Totally Non-Exhaustive, Step by Step Guide to Coming Out
Some Books and Balms for Nonbinary Folks

Let me know what you think!

Best,
Val

Thanks so much. That's all very true and helpful.

I had a new thought this morning.

A friend told me that she felt it was problematic to place so much emphasis on the idea that people don't choose their sexual orientation, they are born that way, because it should also be fine and accepted if people do choose.

Applying that idea to gender identity actually helped me feel so much better. Because even though I didn't choose to be this way, it would also be perfectly valid if I had.

And in a way, I did choose, I chose to start thinking more carefully about myself and to figure out "so what's up with that, then?" instead of just coasting along.

It's a fantastic feeling! Thanks for providing a safe space for me to figure these things out.

I think that's a great way to frame your experience. Whether or not you gender identity as a whole is a choice on your part, it was your own choice to think about your own identity and acknowledge/explore those feelings. And I think that's a fantastic and powerful decision to make!