First time experience

[Iles]

I feel guilty after first time sex. I had a one night stand with a girl from my friend's party few weeks ago. I liked her but only met her first time at that place. We were getting intimate after few talks and we did it. I think she also liked me because she enjoyed the time as well. I was so nervous and shy so I didn't ask her number, we just kissed and left after that. it was a great sex experience though (in my opinion). But, I always feel guilty for myself up until now. I feel guilty after losing my virginity from someone I liked not loved. I wanted to start a relationship/ move forward but struggle with this guilty feeling.

[Heather]

Hi there, Iles, and welcome to the boards. I'm sorry feeling bad is what brought you here, but I'm glad you've found us.

I'd say -- working in this field almost 25 years now, and hearing a lot of people's expressed feelings about a range of first-time sexual experiences -- it's really common for people to deal with feelings of guilt, shame or disappointment after first-time sex. I'd also say those feelings are common even when, for instance, someone does have what they previously thought would be or create an ideal first-time experience, or in circumstances much different than yours. But lastly, and maybe most important when it comes to working this out, I'd say more people have these kinds of feelings who involve frameworks of virginity in their experiences.

In other words, I would say that when people either don't make the idea of "virginity" part of their sexualities or experiences at all, OR when they do, but they expand the idea so that it's much more beneficial and flexible than it is the social control it was designed to be, even when first-times aren't perfect, folks tend to leave them feeling a lot better than this.

I tell you this for a couple reasons: one is that I want to make sure you know that there is no one first time with anything sexual. Our lives can bring or give us the opportunity to experience all kinds of first times, and first times again and again -- for instance, with a new partner, we start at 0 with sexual experiences together, so everything is a first time for a while. The idea there is only one first time for each -- or only one -- sexual activity can be a really bad setup for a sexual life people feel good about.

If you consider this only one experience, and not some kind of penultimate experience, and also recognize you can still have this experience you want, sex with someone you love, in your life, does that help with how you are feeling at all?

You also can ditch the whole virginity framework altogether. What if, as there can be for anyone who chooses, there simply is no such thing as virginity? What if sex, like so much of life, is something where we explore and experiment, learning what is and isn't good for us and others as we have these experiences, getting better and better at them, including knowing what we really want? What if it's not only okay to have experiences that we don't feel awesome about, where we feel conflict, maybe even where we make mistakes, but it's probably just a usual part of the learning and growing process? What if it's not only okay to have a sexual experience that feels great in many ways, but wasn't your ideal, but just fine?

How does thinking more like that influence how you feel?

[Iles]

Hi Heather! Thank you sooo much for the advice! I really appreciate it.

I know sometimes it feels like taboo to share first time doing it. I kinda feel like we already set up a mindset in sociality for first kiss/sex is the "one" with your love forever after. Like Disney style/ Cinderella story happily ever after/ whatever it called. So that, "Virginity" MUST be preserved with the special one. If you lose it, then you're like an expired stuff (already used). Haha you're like second-hand now, not the genuine one anymore. First sight of love, first kiss, first sex, getting married, and have kids, happily ever after, don't you want that? I'm like "Ow Man, I already did experimenting sex with a woman". You know, I doubt that many people understanding sex is like a progression of learnings/experiences. I don't know maybe just me having that kind of thoughts.

[Elise]

Hi there Isles, the social conventions around sex being this ultimate romantic expression, and also shaming people for having multiple partners in their lives are unfortunately narratives that still are told and some people believe, however many, many people now understand that it is highly uncommon in real life - that it is that progression of learning an experience and what matters is that those experiences were carried with the best of intentions of safety, trust and care, and people treat others is so important whereas how many people they have been intimate with, really isn’t.

We actually have a lot of articles about this on the main Scarleteen website, so I will link you to a few here:

• The only thing I might not be ready for with sex is what other people will say. (there are several useful articles links at the bottom of this one, too)
• Sorting Maybe from Can't-Be: Reality Checking Partnered Sex Wants & Ideals
• Casual...Cool? Making Choices About Casual Sex

I hope you find these useful, please feel free to share your thoughts, questions or curiosities about them with us here if you feel comfortable doing so!

[Iles]

Thanks Elise! the articles are great!