Fetish incompatible with my own nature; dealing with abnormal amount of intrusive thoughts a day

[fodder_king_]

I'll cut to the quick and will try to provide as much detail as possible. I apologize for the wall of text, I really, really tried to make this as concise as I can:

I have a bondage/restraint fetish, and i've had this for most of my life (restraining people, and not the other way around).

I am also a very protective individual with respect to my loved ones; I am the sort of person that would run at you with an axe if you were to lay a finger on anyone I deem "my beloved", and I'd have no issue with putting my life on the line for my loved ones. I haven't actually hurt anyone over something like this, but I do daydream about it a lot. By "Loved ones" I refer to anyone I love, be it family, friends, and even fictional characters.

Around two years ago I developed a pretty big crush on some fictional character whose details are not really relevant (I shall now refer to them as "said character"). Progressively through time (peaking in July of this year) I've come across more and more bondage/restraint """"artwork"""" of said character. This makes me really upset; my heart aches, whatever i'm doing stops, and other sorts of anxiety-like issues. I understand well and good it's only a drawing, but it is still sufficient to get to my head for a really long while. What is particularly upsetting to me about this is the perception that they're in danger/being tortured and at the mercy of something else, none of which I have any control over. This effect happens with any bondage/restraint depiction, even ones that are very light and obviously escapable.

On Aug 10 this year, I dealt with an abnormally high amount of intrusive thoughts after coming across a frankly inoffensive depiction of said character in light bondage. I became paranoid and blocked off internet access to the vast majority of social media I used to own, Google, and a lot of image hosting services, deleting most of my accounts in the process. I didn't sleep that day.

These intrusive thoughts do not go away because I am attracted to bondage in a vacuum (and know sufficient details about it), and so they can be particularly nasty and hit me right where it hurts; I haven't had any intrusive thoughts of other scenarios related to said character being killed, gravely injured, etc (I'd still be upset and mad, but it'd last much less time; I have verified this before when I encountered gore """""fanart""""" of said character).

The measures taken on Aug 10 didn't really work; I still have nightmares related to (specifically) finding bondage related """""artwork""""" of said character on the internet, I still deal with a large amount of intrusive thoughts per day, and I am running out of coping mechanisms/ways of evading this issue until it "naturally dies off". It is ruining my sleep schedule and making me seriously stressed: My head hurts on a daily basis, and I dread going to sleep out of fear of nightmares. The images keep flashing in my head, and my thoughts give the images life and sound which is worse. Even the things I see in my nightmares stick to me.

I've never made an account on a forum to ask for help before in my life, I have managed to fight my own battles and win them before; this is the very first time I am in dire need of assistance because it is preventing me from sleeping. I'm verging on crying right now. Please help me, and I will be eternally grateful to you.

Here's some additional info in case it might help:
I'm a straight dude who's currently 21 and was born male

I am very socially outgoing and have absolutely no problems hitting it off with girls; I work as a tutor and TA (which means lots of social interaction every day)

I have had zero bondage related incidents in my life (I've never even tried it out on girls), the intrusive thoughts are only about said character and never about, say, my family or friends

I'm a virgin

I am not seeing a therapist over this (I really want to see if I can get aid from peers before I resort to a therapist and spend money)

The fictional character in question is Lappland from Arknights

Switching to a different fictional character does not help; 1.- I don't like anyone else as much as her and 2.- even if I did switch, the same effect would continue to happen upon witnessing bondage related """"fanart"""" of whoever would be the new character ( I have verified this previously upon encountering bondage/restraint depictions of characters I also like and immediately thinking "that is really messed up, go away" )

The only time I've been in an arguably worse state than this is when my first relationship ended very poorly, and I only overcame that because I knew the hurt would be temporary, albeit very long.


Please, please, please help.

[Carly]

Hi fodder_king_ -- there's a lot we can talk about here. I'm going to ask a few questions to get some more details from you. Something I'm wondering about is the tension between having a restraint kink or fetish but also being triggering by media that contains restraint. I think you did a good job of identifying what about the fan art is triggering for you - the perception that Lappland is in danger. You also have identified that you're a very protective person. Are these things perhaps connected? You're triggered because you care a lot about Lappland and you can't help her, which is what you'd do for anyone you care about? You don't have control over the fan art - both literally as others are drawing it and figuratively in the context of what is happening in the picture - and perhaps that's really upsetting for you. Does any of this resonate? Have you ever had fantasies about restraining Lappland yourself?

Also, while you're welcome to talk to us and get some help from peers, I do want to encourage you consider talking to a therapist eventually. I know you're hesitant, especially because it costs some money. However, the reactions you've had are quite intense, as I think you've also identified. We're happy to talk through these feelings as best as we are able to, but ultimately we don't have credentialed mental health professionals on staff. We frequently suggest that users consider seeing therapists that can help them in more direct ways. Just something to consider - like I said, we're happy to help in any way that we can.

[fodder_king_]

Hello, thank you so much for replying; I'll do my best to answer as much as I can:

I think you did a good job of identifying what about the fan art is triggering for you - the perception that Lappland is in danger. You also have identified that you're a very protective person. Are these things perhaps connected?

- Yes, I think my nature as a person and my adverse reaction to this type of media is connected. If I had to boil down the problem to the simplest terms possible, it'd be "overprotective nature conflicts with intrusive thoughts derived from bondage fetish, resulting in large amounts of guilt, disgust, and stress"

You don't have control over the fan art - both literally as others are drawing it and figuratively in the context of what is happening in the picture - and perhaps that's really upsetting for you. Does any of this resonate?

- Yes, what you've mentioned resonates. I don't expect anyone to change their ways just for me, though.

Have you ever had fantasies about restraining Lappland yourself?

- I vaguely remember that I used to about two years ago, but nowadays I absolutely do not because it brings more or less the same emotions the intrusive thoughts give me

Also, while you're welcome to talk to us and get some help from peers, I do want to encourage you consider talking to a therapist eventually.

- This is true, and I will most likely book one soon (as in by next week once i'm finished with this week's workload). I just really, really needed to talk to someone about this.

I want to ask if you happen to know of any survival mechanism for this other than the standard grounding exercises for generalized anxiety/intrusive thoughts issues, seeing as the exercises don't seem that effective nowadays.

Once again: thank you so, so much for replying. I really appreciate it.

Hi fodder_king_ -- there's a lot we can talk about here. I'm going to ask a few questions to get some more details from you. Something I'm wondering about is the tension between having a restraint kink or fetish but also being triggering by media that contains restraint. I think you did a good job of identifying what about the fan art is triggering for you - the perception that Lappland is in danger. You also have identified that you're a very protective person. Are these things perhaps connected? You're triggered because you care a lot about Lappland and you can't help her, which is what you'd do for anyone you care about? You don't have control over the fan art - both literally as others are drawing it and figuratively in the context of what is happening in the picture - and perhaps that's really upsetting for you. Does any of this resonate? Have you ever had fantasies about restraining Lappland yourself?

Also, while you're welcome to talk to us and get some help from peers, I do want to encourage you consider talking to a therapist eventually. I know you're hesitant, especially because it costs some money. However, the reactions you've had are quite intense, as I think you've also identified. We're happy to talk through these feelings as best as we are able to, but ultimately we don't have credentialed mental health professionals on staff. We frequently suggest that users consider seeing therapists that can help them in more direct ways. Just something to consider - like I said, we're happy to help in any way that we can.

[Sam W]

Hi fodderking,

I'm glad what Carly said resonated with you!

There's some limit to where I can take this conversation, since mental healthcare is outside of our scope here, but can you say a little more about why those standard grounding exercises for dealing with intrusive thoughts don't feel like they're working for you?

[fodder_king_]

Hello Sam, thank you so much for replying

Ultimately the effect of these exercises wore off because of monotony: I got used to them, and so they lost effectiveness

Hi fodderking,

I'm glad what Carly said resonated with you!

There's some limit to where I can take this conversation, since mental healthcare is outside of our scope here, but can you say a little more about why those standard grounding exercises for dealing with intrusive thoughts don't feel like they're working for you?

[Mo]

I'm sorry those grounding exercises have gotten less effective; that sounds pretty frustrating on top of everything else. Intrusive thoughts can be really difficult to shake (this is something I've struggled with so I can really sympathize with how hard and upsetting it can be), so hopefully once you connect with a therapist they'll have some other ideas. I know that some people find that cognitive behavioral therapy can be particularly helpful in combating intrusive thoughts, so it may be worth seeking out a therapist with that specialty or asking your therapist if they have any experience with it.