Scarleteen

I am very confused.

So, I recently started dating this guy (I am a girl) and I loved the idea of having a boyfriend and he was the most boyfriends etc.

However, a few weeks into the relationship he started getting more intimate and it went from more of a friendly relationship to a proper girlfriend - boyfriend situation. I started feeling very uncomfortable with this and the more I thought about it I started thinking I'd only want to be with a guy romantically and sexually if I WAS A GUY. I'm really confused cuz it almost feels like I'm gay but a girl however I want to be in a boy - boy relationship.

Somebody please help!

Welcome to the boards, princesspark. (Which instruments? I'm a multi-instrumental person, too!)

From just this one snippet, it's hard to tell if this is more a gender identity issue -- as in, about your own sense of gender identity, and it perhaps being different than you thought -- OR if it is a gender *roles* issue, like something more based in how you think things are between guys, or how you're assuming you or this might feel were your gender different, because you have the idea that would change your feelings from how they are now.

I also feel like before we dig in, I want to know if you want help figuring out where to take this relationship from here, as you are, if you want help working through these thoughts and feelings, or both. LMK?

Hi Heather,

Thanks for responding. I play electric guitar, bass guitar, drums, violin, piano and cello.

I've been trying to figure out if it may be gender identity issues as I sometimes stumble over what pronouns I like to use and if I may be more masculine etc. Idk it's so confusing!!!!

It'd be great if you could help me through this relationship.

Awesome! I'm piano/keys, lap dulcimer, dobro, voice, conga and now am just adding guitar to the mix! I am really interested in learning bass next.

For sure, let's start with the relationship. Where are things at right now? Are you still with him? Have you been able to at least talk about how things like getting more boyfriend-girlfriend (or boyfriend-boyfriend, for that matter!) ideally should be stuff that you both talk about and make agreements on, rather than one person just kind of moving things in that direction without asking the other if that's what they want? Do you feel able to have these kinds of talks with this person, and like you have the power and ability to collaborate with them to make the way this relationship is going work with what both of you really want?

We actually have a really open relationship and we call most nights and can chat about anything. It's also quite even in like who makes decisions even about rlly small stuff. However, he knows I am not very comfortable in the more touch-feely kinda area and we've only kissed like three times and it just didn't feel right like I said before.

I haven't raised the more gender and sexuality thoughts with him cuz idk I just don't feel that comfortable talking about that stuff. Idk why I just don't think I wanna tell anyone just yet about how I'm feeling.

Hi there princesspark, I’m glad to hear that your boyfriend and you can communicate openly on things and he is respecting your boundaries.

It is also okay to not want to talk to him about gender things yet if you’re still working it out, but it could be a good idea to communicate clearly that you need to slow down / put the breaks on physical intimacy together whilst you work some things out for yourself, even if you don’t want to go into it more deeply, so you’re on the same page as to what you need right now.

In terms of how you are feeling about gender, have you had the chance to access many resources on it so far? Is this something you’d like our help with finding?

yeh but i don't know if it's gender or if there is just something wrong with me! cuz like my whole life ive thought im a girl even tho i went through a major tom-boy phase! but only since ive gotten into this relationship im like...'hold up maybe i don't identify as a girl'

also, my parents are MAJORLY homophobic and transphobic...

some resources would we great tbh

Hi princesspark,

Let's start with those resources! To start, I'm going to give you ones that are about exploring gender identity more generally, and that you'll have a better chance of accessing without your parents noticing. Out of curiosity, do you have access to a library, either at school or in the area where you live? That would allow you a space where you might be able to read without them seeing what you're reading and/or access to e-books that you could do on your phone.
https://dochub.com/mistybonta/bDa8NX3Rd ... GyQiKfKo2k
Welcome to Trans Summer School!
https://discoveryourgenderidentity.com/ ... ENTITY.pdf

When you think about being sexual with your boyfriend and notice yourself wishing you were a guy being with a guy, can you say a little more about what "being a guy" entails when you think about it? What about it appeals to you (even if it's hard to describe things like "it just feels like the right thing")?