Stressed about sex

[miracle-lovee]

Hi so I’m Miracle I’ve been a little I guess stressed lately about sex. I’ve been talkin to this boy for awhile and we’ve been best friends for a few years in those few years I’ve had a crush on him, he now likes me and we talk but we don’t talk like I don’t really have topics to talk about as if I’m scared to talk to him, I don’t know what to say. Also I’m soon to be 17 and I’ve been really interested in sex lately it’s something I want to do but don’t at the same time, for some reason I want to get it over with I feel as I am ready and I know he is but I’m not sure at the same time considering the fact we don’t really have the title of being “together” though we do talk as if we are. I feel I trust him even if we don’t have a title but I don’t know. I feel like I’m more interested in manual sex but am nervous because I’ve never had anyone touch me before and I don’t want it to be awkward. I don’t know what to do and if he was to agree to doing it I’m nervous that it will be awkward after, im also worries about pain and bleeding considering I am still a virgin and only ever touch myself tho it was painful when I do i. Can you pleaseeee help mee?

[Mo]

Hi Miracle, and welcome to Scarleteen.

The big thing that jumps out at me here is that it sounds like you have a lot of things you feel worried or anxious about, when it comes to figuring out where things stand with this guy or being sexual with him. It might be helpful to think about taking this all one step at a time. If you're feeling scared or struggling with what to say when you talk with him, then I think it makes sense to focus on that before you get too caught up in worrying about how sex would go between the two of you, you know? I know it isn't easy to just stop worrying about things; I am a chronic over-worrier, myself. But even so, it might help to remind yourself that until and unless you really start talking with him about sex, it isn't going to be helpful to worry a bunch about the details.

So, with this guy, it might be helpful to focus on being more comfortable talking with him for now, and maybe seeing if you want to talk about your feelings for him in general. Do you have a sense of what feels so scary about talking with him and not knowing what to say? Do you feel that way around other people, or is it specific to him?

I don't know if this is helpful to hear or not, but sex often is a little awkward, especially when we're new to sex (and I mean this both new to sex overall and with a new partner), but that's just part of the process! When people who are kind and like each other have an awkward moment during sex, or they try something that doesn't quite work, ideally they can learn to pause for a moment, maybe laugh together about how silly the situation is, and then try again or try something else. The process of learning what we like and what partners like in a sexual situation is always going to involve some trial and error, and that's okay. It can seem intimidating, but I think it's good to approach sex knowing some awkward moments will be likely so you can try and prepare for that, vs. expecting yourself or your partner to do everything perfectly the first time. Does that make sense?

I do want to leave you with a link that might be helpful, too.l We do have a pretty in-depth article about talking with someone about sex here: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner, and I think reading through this might be a good place to start, as you think about maybe having that conversation with this guy (or with someone else) eventually.