feeling discouraged when i masturbate

[latte]

hi!

im seventeen and have recently started to masturbate. my first try was about 2 years ago, and I don't do it very often. I am very open to experiencing pleasure, and I would actually love to do so, but the issue is that I have always struggled to find that certain thing that really pleasures me. this makes me hesitant to try again. when i do masturbate, i kinda hop from thing to thing, but most of the time i plateau at a certain pleasure level and end up just giving up. i have only tried massaging around my clit and vulva but havent really attemped fingering or using a sex toy. i watch porn and read smut sometimes, which defintely helps me get aroused, but doesnt help a lot when i actually start to masturbate. i'm worried that i wont find my "niche" when it comes to masturbating, because in my experience everyone seems to have a very specific tactic they use to self-pleasure successfully. for example, i talked with another woman in my life, and she said she feels immense pleasure through pressure applied not even in the vaginal area. i was extremely discouraged by this because i worry that my own way of feeling pleasure is so specific that i will never be able to find it. how should i handle these feelings toward masturbation, and is there any way i can pinpoint more efficiently what i like?

[Sam W]

HI latte,

The good news is, you're already doing a bunch of the things we recommend when people are trying to figure out what "works" for them in terms of masturbation. You're experimenting with different types of masturbation (and if you want to add sex toys to the mix, that's something we can help you figure out how to do) and learning what kinds of fantasies or media get you in the mood. So, continuing to do those things is in many ways your best bet.

Too, it does sound like you're experiencing pleasure from masturbation, but not orgasm. While orgasms can certainly be fun, something that can help is to take them off the table as a goal for a little while and just focus on doing things that bring you pleasure, even if that pleasure plateaus for a bit. You're still getting an enjoyable experience, and sometimes removing that pressure or anxiety about "is THIS the thing that makes me orgasm" can, ironically, make orgasm more likely. Does that make sense?

[latte]

hello again,

thanks so much for the response! and yes, i was definitely thinking of an orgasm as the main goal here. i hear all about how i should "be my first" and i think that influences some pressure a bit at times, especially since im entering an age and period where id just like to experience it. i will totally continue to experiment, but honestly would like to try a vibrator as well. any advice on which to get/ how and where?

also, update, i tried fingering and it felt fine, but less pleasurable than other methods. i think ill work on trying to specify what brings more pleasure than other things, even if its only a bit more, and then work with that. also, always after i masturbate, i feel slightly sore. i start masturbating, but usually stop after awhile when my pleasure plateaus, only to feel like my muscles are still "constricting" and it takes awhile to "cool down" a bit. is that normal? thats why i was curious about an orgasm. ive thought of an orgasm as a way to release all that tension built up in the vulva, only i havent ever reached that peak yet and am kinda stuck with just stopping with that build up of pressure , which causes that soreness/ tiredness

[Mo]

I do think it will likely help if you approach masturbation as a process of exploration and enjoyment and don't focus entirely on orgasm, for now. Frustration at not achieving orgasm tends to make orgasm even harder to reach, which makes things more frustrating, and it can be a self-perpetuating cycle. Your idea to focus on what brings pleasure and work from there is a good one, I think!

In terms of that soreness, it's pretty common to hold some muscle tension during masturbation, especially as things ramp up towards orgasm, and orgasm can involve some pretty intense muscle contractions, as well as a feeling of release. It sounds like you may be experiencing some of that tightness during the plateau period but not the release of orgasm, which could account for the soreness. Extended arousal without orgasm can also cause some achy or sore feelings; you'll hear this called "blue balls" sometimes but the official term is "vasocongestion;" essentially, extra blood flows to the genitals during arousal, and if there isn't an orgasm, the swelling this causes can stick around for a while and cause some discomfort. Neither of these things are unusual or something to worry about, unless you're noticing intense pain or pain that lasts for a long time.

Since you're under 18, it may be difficult for you to buy a vibrator. Shops with a wide variety of sex toys won't sell to people who are under 18, as a general rule (although if you have your own credit card, online shops may be possible to use). Some big box stores or drugstores have some options available, often marketed as generic "massagers," and there are also some DIY options that we discuss in this article: D.I.Y. Sex Toys: Self-Love Edition. Do note that a lot of vibrators aren't made of materials you can fully sterilize, so putting a condom over them before using them is a good idea! I'd also recommend trying something pretty basic or inexpensive at first, to see if vibrations are a sensation you enjoy, before investing a lot in one. Many people enjoy vibrators, but some don't, so it's worth trying out something basic first.

[latte]

hi again!

thanks for the response. yes, i did realize that vibrators might be harder to buy, but i am very close with my cousin about this stuff and she's twenty so if i really want one she can always buy it for me (cheating the system, haha!)

also, i've definitely beaten the past plateau level, which i'm super happy about. however, the past couple of times i've masturbated i've experienced kinds of contractions, like you said before? they're usually very fleeting but very intense, and both times it's happen i've had to stop. i wouldn't say its painful, i would just say its so extreme and sudden im like "woah!" they honestly come out of nowhere, or just very quickly, and they're so intense that i want to continue masturbating but kinda get overwhelmed. i usually end up taking a break for it to subside. i feel fine afterward with no soreness, and when these things do occur it is definitely where i feel the most pleasure and intensity while im masturbating. i dont really know if its an orgasm, so maybe it might be one of these contractions? (i also thought for a moment that it could be like the next level from what ive been stuck on, and in that case, woah, im not sure how that can be sustained) so if they do happen again, what should i do to continue pleasuring myself? how should i go about them? thanks!

sorry about the lack of proper grammar. i usually write these posts at 2am

[Elise]

Hi latte, firstly I’d like to echo what Sam said up top, our most important sex organ is our brain, and when we’re really focused or stressed about orgasm, then that counterintuitively takes some of our brains bandwidth to enjoy sexual touch away as it’s thinking “hey we don’t have time for orgasming, we’re stressed!”, this is why taking the pressure off yourself can be really useful.

The muscle contractions sound like what Sam was describing about the lead up to orgasm, and taking a break when things are painful/overwhelming sounds like the best way forward, and trying a vibrator to see if you get a different response to that kind of stimulation since you have access to one (also worth noting that if it’s too intense with direct stimulation between genitals and vibrator, many people use them through clothing or grind a pillow with the vibrator under it to dissipate the vibrations).

You may also find reading writings by Dr. Emily Nagoski really useful, the brain things I mentioned above have to do with what she terms “turning off the offs” which are as important as the “turn ons”. She did a guest comic about it here: Science of Desire by Dr. Emily Nagoski & R.Stevens and the book is called Come as You Are and your library or cousins library might have it even.

We also have some articles about how the brain is important for sexual pleasure here:

• With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body
• Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide

If you have any questions, curiosities or observations you feel comfortable sharing with us here after reading we'd be happy to hear them!