Scarleteen

I'm a seventeen year old cis girl who was raped over the summer, by someone I had once previously had consensual sex with. When we had consensual sex, she (a pre-surgery trans girl) made me bleed heavily upon penetration. I also felt very guilty about the whole thing, because I felt like she didn't really care about me. The next time we met, I didn't say "no", but I was lying on the ground with my hands on my face, acting limp.. She went ahead anyway.

For a few months I didn't know what to call it. When I started calling it rape, I began to feel greater shame, and cut the mons veneris of my vulva with a roller.

I've been trying to reclaim my body since then. I wanted to buy a vibrator online, and they said to do a vegetable test. I used a cucumber, and each time I cut it down it still hurt. I got a flashback after putting in a tampon. My psychiatrist says I might have vaginismus.

My therapist told me to masturbate only by stimulating the clitoris, but I used fingers anyway, really deep, and there was some blood in the vaginal fluid on my fingers, and I've been aching deep within my vagina since then.

Hi tos3,

I'm sorry for what happened. I am glad to hear that you are taking some steps (like talking to a therapist) to take care of yourself.

As far as the pain issue goes, have you checked in with a healthcare provider since the cut? If not, that's a sound next step. If you want to try masturbating in the interim, you may want to stick with the therapists advice to avoid penetration. One other thing to consider is how much (if any) lubrication you're using when you masturbate, as that might cut down on some of the pain or discomfort.