Scarleteen

Sometimes I wish I could open up a little portal to the past and send my younger self a letter with some information I wish I'd known or thought about when it comes to sex and relationships. What sort of thing would you choose to say, if you had that ability?

There are two main things I'd want to tell myself: one is that someone who approaches sex with a "what can I get this person to let me to do them" approach isn't going to be a great match for me, and will probably be a not-so-great partner in other areas. The other is that focusing on intercourse as The Ultimate Real Kind Of Sex is just going to cause a lot of stress in the long run, and it's fine to prefer other kinds of sex to intercourse and center those instead.

I'd also love to send Driver's Ed for the Sexual Superhighway: Navigating Consent to my younger self, too! I definitely could have used it when I was first navigating sexual relationships.

I would tell myself that there is no "one way" to have good sex that you need to learn and be able to do automagically without any discussion with a partner, and it's really about communication and exploring together in a space of trust. I wold love to send these two articles to myself:

• Be a Blabbermouth! The Whys, Whats and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner
  
• The Sex Goddess Blues: Building Sexual Confidence, Busting Perfectionism

I lost my virginity at a young age to an abusive ex-boyfriend. I have healed tremendously since then and had many epiphanies in regards to relationships and sex. First, leave if you are not being respected, meaning in and out of the bedroom. Second, it is okay that you enjoy sex and are exploring your sexuality, just as long as it is consensual, with a trusted partner, and in a safe environment. I wish I recognized the signs of this power imbalance in my previous relationship when I was younger...I wish I listened to everyone when they told me to have some respect for myself and leave him...so I would absolutely recommend this article: Why I Deeply Dislike Your Older Boyfriend.

I realized that a lot of my sexuality for a long time was very performative. Though I think experimentation is ongoing and an important part of understanding this part of your identity, I adopted the kinks and indulged the sexual interests of my partners that I was, in retrospect, very uncomfortable with or lukewarm about at best. I did it because I thought that was what I was supposed to like, what they wanted, and what made me a fun, desirable sexual partner. Though I don't consider any of this nonconsensual, I can say that there were so few instances of active consent. A lot of the way I understood my sexuality was based on how I was incorrectly internalizing pornography and how well I could indulge another person's desires - I wasn't part of any of it. Having "good sex" had nothing to do with the amount of tricks I could do, but how much I was able to communicate with my partner about what I wanted. If anyone is also struggling with this, I suggest:

• Be a Blabbermouth! The Whys, Whats and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner
• Driver's Ed for the Sexual Superhighway: Navigating Consent
• Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist
• Making Sense of Sexual Media
• Sex on Screen: Reality-Checking Mainstream Porn

Elise pretty much summed up what I would tell my past self but I would add one thing. I would tell myself to dance more. Through dancing I have learned to feel more confident in my body, how to navigate communication, I have experienced a world beyond traditional gender roles, I have learned how to listen to another person's body, and most importantly I have learned how to let go and have fun.

Siân wrote a beautiful piece about these ideas of partner dancing and sex which I would send back through the portal to my younger self too!