Scarleteen

For context, we are in the last year of school and long distance; started to date when we were at the same school but then both moved, and live one hour away but don’t meet more than twice a month for a few hours.

We were talking the other day, and I asked him if there was anything he wanted to tell me but hadn’t yet (we were discussing our relationship). He said that there was, and after a bit of insisting he told me that sometimes, he thinks I haven’t really got friends and rely on him too much; while he can go a few days without calling me, he feels obligated to do it because otherwise I would be sad, and that he feels like if he doesn’t talk to me, my day is ruined. That was on Saturday.

The following Friday, he asked me what do I do on my free time, and I started answering but stopped and asked if it was because he thought all I did on my free time was think about him. He said yes, he often thinks all I do all day is think about him (this specifically was because we didn’t talk properly this week cause he was studying for exams and busy, and when he had the opportunity, on Friday night, I saw he was on a discord call and didn’t even ask me to join). From what I understood, he sees me as a pathetic girl from those movies whose life revolves around her boyfriend.

I do understand his point. And yes, my day is a nice day if I talk to him, and I know I can’t expect it to be the same to him, he says that his antisocial and doesn’t need to socialize much, so if he talks to his friends at school, he doesn’t the the absolute need to talk to me, while he feels I do. I would like to call him everyday, but I definitely don’t want him to know how much a simple call impacts my daily life. And I know I’m not reacting well, because now when I do something sweet, I immediately say “oh, shouldn’t have said that, don’t want you to think I’m crazy in love” and that’s not fair to him, after all I asked him to open up to me.

I think bottom line is: how can I be more independent and care less about what we do? I feel like calling and taking is the only way to be sure we’re still into each other, but it’s not working for him. Im not sure if that means im codependent. I just don’t know how to change his perception, I don’t want him to simultaneously tell me he doesn’t care that much about talking to me while saying that he feels like im his whole world. Makes me feel dumb. We kind of are in a bit of a rough patch, and I don’t know if breaking up is a considerably good option.

Hi YellowPamonha! Thank you for reaching out. First and foremost, I am so sorry that your boyfriend has been making those assumptions about you because you want to spend time with him and talk to him often. I want to remind you that long distance relationships can be difficult and everyone handles them differently. I have been in a very similar situation so please let me know if you would like me to share how I handled it.

I know that you did ask him to express his concerns in the relationship, but your concerns matter too. I know everyone expresses their love differently, so I do want to ask: what is your boyfriend's love language? Is it words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, physical touch, or something else? Since you mentioned that he is antisocial, I want to see if I can remind you of ways that he has shown affection to you in the past. Does your boyfriend act more affectionate and interested in your attention in person? In general, how does he act when you both meet in real life?

As for your own independence, you mentioned that you are in your last year of school, so do you have an idea of what will happen to your relationship if you continue your education or career? It is important to consider how this relationship will look like in the future and if you can continue with the long distance. Truthfully, it is not for everyone. You mentioned that you may be codependent on your boyfriend, so I want to recommend this article: Intimacy: The Whys, Hows, How-Nots, and So-Nots. The last section discusses codependency, please let me know if any of it relates to your situation and we can go from there on figuring out how to secure some independency.

Lastly, I want to recommend this article to you: Going the Distance: A Few Thoughts on Long-Distance-Relationships. It has some general thoughts on long distance relationships, so please let me know if anything resonates with you! Take care.

Hi YellowPamonha,

In addition to Nicole's excellent advice, I wanted to add some other things to consider. It sounds like there are a few different things going on here. One is that you two may simply have different communication wants/needs in a relationship; lots of people are like you, in that they want a specific kind of communication with a partner each day, and lots of people are like him, where they don't need that contact. Neither of those is the "correct" one, and taken by themselves, neither one indicates something bigger about your feelings about a relationship overall.

In terms of what his concerns about you, while it's true that it's good to want your partner to have a life outside your relationship, it sounds like he's developed a skewed view of both your life and your feelings. What does your life actually look like outside of him? Do you have hobbies, goals, passions, friendships, things that like that don't involve him?

Since you're asking yourself if breaking up is a good option, I want to give you these two pieces: Does Your Relationship Need a Checkup?, Should I Stay or Should I Go?. Reading through those, where do you feel like your relationship with him falls?

Hi Nicole! Thanks for taking your time to answer. I would like to know how you handled it, thank you.

My boyfriend's love language is primarily physical touch. We've done two tests, and in both of his, physical touch had a higher percentage, wasn´t close to any other. When we meet, he is generally very affectionate. He doesn´t like pda, not even quick kisses (it is not uncommon to see couples kissing each other in public spaces here, so its just a personal preference), but he often put his arms around me, hugs me, holds my hand and this kind of stuff. We haven´t met many times in person this year (less than 15, but when it's us at a friend's house,he kisses my cheeks and holds me from behind, very cute. But that's mostly it. By message or when we call each other, he often says he enjoys talking to me, and he made an habit of saying "i love you" before hanging up, which is also sweet. But my love language is quality time, and I often feel like he doesn't put enough effort. For example, I'm always the one to ask if we're going to call each other, I send him good night stickers every day (he often sends them too, ot good motning) and just generally start conversations, which he doesnt do much. It makes me wonder if he doesn't miss it because that's how it is, if he likes me less (we used to talk much more) or if he simply dosen't ask me. Also, he came to visit me only once, all the other times we met I either went to his city or to the city where we used to live and we met there with other friends. I know he cant choose to visit me because he needs his moms approval, but she has said he can come visit me as he did last time, and he still hasn't.

We both are going to college, one way or another. I don't expect us to keep dating by then. Correction on my last post, there still is a full year of school, and the remaining of this one until college. Next year we'll both have a lot of classes (on saturdays, some afternoons and come nights), so I wouldnt be surprised if we broke up before college. I wish we could enjoy this year more, since we will have a lot of less free time next year and even if we are still dating, we wont be able to be much present on each others kives. He has also mentioned that his mom saud "first dates dont last long" and that he "should enjoy his youth", meaning he should go to parties and hook up with many girls. He has stated that he finds it digusting, but later said he's afraid of regretting it in the future (I asked and he said he hasnt regretted yet). So, I think breaking up before college is a sure event, just dont know how before its going to be. I also dont think I can endure an indefinite time of long distance relationship-- being present in each others lives and meeting up is important to me. I can do it know, but after college, it's propably going to be harder to live close to each other.

I read the article, and I dont think Im codependent. The day I made the post, I visited him and we went for a all-you-can-eat suchi restaurant. It was one of our firsts actual dates, like grown ups, I took a nice pic, asked him if he would post it on his stories and tag me. He said he would. I referenced it two other times during the night and he said he'd do it. He didn't. On Sunday he went for a concert, so we didnt really speak. On Monday, I didnt send him many texts during the day bc I was sad he hadnt posted it when he said he would. He did send me more texts than usua, about school, but I was melancholic?, and at night i asked if he'd call me to tell about the concert, he said he was gaming with his friends. I said good night and went to bed. The rest of the week I tried my best to not miss him and not text him, and it kinda worked, I missed him a lot less than I thought I would, so I'm sure that, if we broke up, I wouldnt feel as helpless as I once thought I would. We called each other three times during the week, but always less than 30 minutes and lonf stretches of silence (he is also kind of sick, so I dodnt want to bother him much). In one of those I asked him why hadnt he made the stories when he said he would, he didnt give me a reason but said he'd post it as tbt. I thought it meant hed post it on Thursday, he didnt. We talked by calling today and I asked him about it again, and he said he wanted to post today, as it wouldve been a week, but now he probably wont beacause I'll think he only did it beacuse I told him to. I want to believe him, and I do believe he wanted to post it today, but I dont know if he'd do it wheter we talked about it or not. This got long, but the point is: I cut my acess to him this week by a lot, and I missed him less than I thought I would, and I felt sadder after taling to him than after the whole day of not talking, because he didnt start many topics (prob bc he's sick, but he doesn't do it generally) and I felt like he didnt even care.

About the "Going the distance" article, many good points, I'm considering sending it to him even tho I dont know if he'd read it. I used to think we really worked, presence in each other's lives, amount of talking and all, now I dont know if he changed, he doesnt want it anymore or he's tired and with less time available. Probably all three.

I'm sorry for the lenght of it, I feel like I've gone off the "independence" topic, but at least about that, this week showed me I can survive, despite what he might think.

Hey Sam W, thanks for your input.

I do believe I have a pretty standard life besides him, and all of our common friends. I crochet and I'm pretty good at school, but I dont know if studying counts as a hobby. I really like learning, am fluent on two other languages besides my own, and enjoy discovering things in general.

I moved recently and have been at this school since the beggining of the year, enough to have friends but no "best friends"-- they know about my life, we exchange books, but not as close to sleep over, for example. Barely any of my life involves him, if we broke up we could simply never see each other again. I think that's why I care so much about keeping in touch constantly, calling every day; I want to feel at least a bit of normalcy, as if we still were school mates who see each other every day. I do think I have a life besides him, that wouldnt change if we were to break up.

For the articles, we check pretty much everything for a good relationship, or have checked in the past. We respect each other's intimacy boundaries, and I do feel that we respect each other. I think conflict resolution is the only bad one. He never wants to talk about bad aspects of the relationship, beacause he doesnt "want to fight" and doesnt "want to spend our time talking about bad things". I feel that, if we dont talk the bad out, we wont be able to enjoy each others company. But I think that only applies to me, and that he just push his bad feelings inside.

We talked today, and it was one of the rare days in which he opened himself to me. He talked about how he dosent feel like his friends care for him (his presence is dispensable), and that nobody actually likes him. We talked a bit more on the topic. Then I asked if he knew I liked him, he went silent, I asked again and he said that he often feels that I only like him because he likes me, to which I said sometimes I dont think he actually likes me and keep liking him still. I think he feels like he's a burden, and talking about his feelings and wants is a nuisiance, which is absolutely not true to me.

We go into the talk of expectations (i told him I did expect a 'good test' today bc I had a big test and he'd said he would put an alarm to wish it to me, but he didnt; said he'd make the post I mentioned in Nicole's reply, and still hasnt, all this week alone), and I asked him what he expected. That isnt the exact word, its more about what he want to happen, but a bit more of wanting than "I hope it happens". He said he didnt expect anyting, because he didnt want to be disappointed. I asked "you dont even expect to still be dating next month?'", and he said no, because many things can happen. That took me off guard. I aked him if he wanted to keep dating, and he said he wanted it to "work out", for both of us to be happy dating. I asked him if he thought we could, and he said yes, when I asked what wasnt working out he said that he doesnt like fighting. He didnt specify whats fighting, but it must be when I ask him to talk to me more and it gets heated from there. He has also state dbefore that he thinks that I think we're not working because of him, because he doesnt put enough effort. I do think like that sometimes, but Ive never told him or confirmed his beliefs.

That's way too big, I'm sorry. But yeah, in the end I think both of us arent enjoying dating or each others company as much as we should, and while I'm ready to handle it whichever way is best, he says he is, too, but I dont think he actually will beacause to get better, it will need to be worse first (deep talks and being honest about each others feelings, which Im not sure he thinks is worth it). Thanks for reading.

Hi YellowPamonha,

You know, one thing that's really standing out to me in your description of all this is that he's not in a place were he's comfortable doing a lot of the work that goes into maintaining a relationship. For instance, he's not wrong that lots of things can happen in a month, but part of being able to navigate relationships is having somewhat clear expectations for them, even if that expectation is something pretty broad or general. Too, it seems like a lot of what he wants is for this relationship to just "work out" without the things that are necessary for that to happen, like conflict resolution or difficult conversations.

If you got the sense his behavior wasn't going to change in any big way, would you want to continue this relationship?

I was going to say yes, because I know we'll break up before college so I want to enjoy as many good moments with him as possible, to have sweet "dating in high school" memories. But the truth is that I dont know. I do think there is a big chance I'll break up with him some day out of anger for not feeling loved back (like him saying he has no expectations, I basically took it as a "I dont see myself with you", and I wasnt even asking for a distant future vision), and that thought scares me, because it would be better to part amicably.

When we're good, we're really good. He posted the stories, wrote a sweet caption and even put "Time in a bottle' as background music. And we talked yesterday and I felt really good, better than in several last weeks with him. But when we're bad, it seems that I'm the only one who cares, and that makes me even sadder. I dont feel like he makes much effort to talk and actually express his feelings, which may be because deep down he wants to break up but is afraid that our mutual friends will turn on him. But it is also due to how he was brought up, I guess, he seems very hesitant on opening himself. Either way, makes me feel even more left out, so we might part ways from a heated discussion (coming from me since he never starts and rarely takes part on those)

Hi YellowPamonha,

In your past couple of posts, you mentioned some values that you hope for out of your relationship and I want to echo them back to you because it is important to keep your needs in mind when you are thinking about the future of your relationship. You mentioned that feeling loved, being with someone who cares about your relationship, someone who is open to work through challenges, who has open communication with you, who is vulnerable with you, someone you have regular contact with, and someone who respects you as an individual are important aspects of a healthy relationship for you (they are also all universally important things).

Do you see these things in the future of your relationship with him? Maybe not all of them are high priority at the moment but a few could be deal breakers. Are there others that you would add? Do you see a potential for things to improve in the ways that you want it to?

These are just a few things to think about when contemplating continuing the relationship. We can be here for you either way. We can help you discuss ways to talk to him about the high-priority things that you need out of the relationship for it to feel good to you. Or we can talk about ways to end the relationship if it doesn’t feel like it is beneficial to you anymore. Or we could just talk through more pros and cons of continuing the relationship. It's up to you <3

Hi Michaela, thanks for the answer!

While I had an idea of the things I wanted in a relationship, it’s easier to recognize them when they’re written clearly, so thank you for that. I think that I would add not being shy of showing me to friends and family, and that along with being vulnerable and being open to work through challenges could be dealbreakers. I want to date someone who trusts me as much as I trust them, which I think is fair to ask since we’ve been together for a while.

I’m not sure if things will improve in a way I want to. We have worked past some problems, but to me it feels like when something is resolved, another problem appears and we’re never totally, a 100% fine. I do believe they have the chance to improve, and that we can be fine, but it will probably be kind of hard.

I would like help on how to talk to him about what I need to feel good in our relationship. I’m almost sure he knows it, but I think he doesn’t realize how important it is to me, since he seems to have low need of contact himself. Is there a way to show him? He comments that we fight too much, which may be true, and that he doesn’t like that. But just because he pushes his feelings, I don’t think I should do the same, I think we should talk about it like partners. I don’t think he realizes I’ve considered, seriously considered breaking up many times because of dumb things that build up, like not sending a “good test” text when he said he would, three times in a row. How can I show him that I’m serious without saying “do this or we’ll break up”?

I’ve been thinking about the pros and cons; one of the biggest cons was that I knew I’d miss him terribly in the first weeks. But now… we’ve cut contact a lot since my first post, cause I stopped initiating as much as I did and when he does, I sometimes feel angry about how he can talk so much and still avoid any serious conversations, and I don’t answer as excitedly as before. I feel like I’m preparing for a heartbreak, which is exhausting.

I will ask him about his expectations for our relationship again. Depending on the answer, I’ll need help on how to end things.

You know, sometimes I think it can be helpful to frame a conversation not as "do this or we'll break up," but as "I need this to feel cared for in a relationship. Is that something you're willing to do?" It's less about giving an ultimatum and more about stating your wishes and seeing whether it makes sense to continue a relationship or not.

You're asking how to show him how important these things are to you, but from what you've said it sounds like you've been pretty clear that it is important! It's tough to be in a situation where you're asking for something that isn't happening; it can make you think "okay, it must be that I haven't explained myself well enough" or "maybe I haven't made it clear how important this is to me" when it may be that it isn't important enough to HIM to make a change. I may be misunderstanding what you've said in earlier posts, but from what you've written here I don't think this is an issue of you not saying the right things about what you need. It might be that you're being clear and he isn't really listening, or he isn't willing to change, and sadly neither of those things are within your control.

Hi Mo,

That’s an actual possibility, and I feel like I’m looking for every excuse for his (lack of) actions. It’s sad knowing that a relationship I hold dear with someone who means so much to me might come to an end, and that all of our intimacy will be lost, as I don’t think we’ll be able to be “just friends”. But I feel that if I settle for less now, on my first actual relationship, im setting a bad precedent for future partners and that scares me, I don’t want to lose myself.

It’s dumb but im hopeful that he someday will realize and want to change, as impossible as it sounds.

It is sad! And by all means, if looking back on things you think there's some of this you haven't mentioned to him, you certainly could. But from an outside perspective it's sounding less like you haven't been clear enough and more like it just isn't something he wants to do. If you do wind up ending the relationship, it would be a sad thing, but I also agree with you that settling for less than what makes you happy isn't going to be great either.