can't orgasm and worried about how it will affect my sexual experiences

[nervousasfk]

From a young age, I (16f) "masturbated" by rubbing my thighs together. Still unsure if masturbation is the right term because I have never achieved orgasm from this, it just feels good and then stops after about a minute. I've tried other methods, such as fingering myself and touching my clit but i don't get any pleasure from either. I don't even really know where my clit is because touching myself feels equally unpleasant all over and I don't really know much about my anatomy. Touching my vagina in itself just feels weird to me and the fact I can't get the same amount of pleasure others can from masturbation makes me feel abnormal. I've also been thinking about losing my virginity and future sexual experiences and I worry that this lack of pleasure will affect me negatively in this regard.

All the articles I've read talk about how the only solution is to get help from medical professionals which feels really drastic and makes me feel really nervous about the whole thing. Is this normal? Is there anything I can do to help or any things I should discuss with prospective partners? Is seeing a GP/Gynaecologist the right course of action? Help!

[Heather]

Hey there, nervousasfk. I'm sorry that's how you're feeling, but I'm glad you've found us. Let's see if we can't help you out with this.

So, really, what "masturbation" is is just an amazingly wide range of things people do to try and seek pleasure for and by themselves. What that involves is as diverse as bodies and sexualities are, which is to say, very diverse. What you're describing is one very common way of masturbating, especially for people who have a vulva/vagina.

How this feels isn't really something we can measure as what is or isn't common or normal, because that's so, so subjective and vast, and it's also harder for people to describe than something as relatively objective as a physical action, if you get what I mean.

I don't see any reason why a referral to sexual or other healthcare would be warranted here unless you just wanted to have conversations with those kinds of healthcare providers like you're having here. There's nothing to suggest there is anything wrong here, and I personally don't see any cause for concern. It just sounds to me like you're a young person who is in the (lifelong!) process of figuring out what does and doesn't feel good to you sexually, what you like and don't, and are also thinking about all of this through a common cultural lens of sexuality that tends to be very limited, underinformed and also often far more based in things like cultural gender norms than what people actually enjoy.

I don't know what virginity means to you, but can you fill me in a bit more on this? Are you thinking about doing whatever that means to you because you're sexually involved with someone in some way already, or have met someone you think you might want to be?

Can we also talk a little about your experience of pleasure in your life on the whole? Are there sensory/physical experiences that do feel good to you, separate from anything sexual (or that are sensual, but not genital)? Do you feel able to just explore pleasure following your own interests, or does it feel like there are things you think you should or shouldn't enjoy?

[nervousasfk]

Hey there, nervousasfk. I'm sorry that's how you're feeling, but I'm glad you've found us. Let's see if we can't help you out with this.

So, really, what "masturbation" is is just an amazingly wide range of things people do to try and seek pleasure for and by themselves. What that involves is as diverse as bodies and sexualities are, which is to say, very diverse. What you're describing is one very common way of masturbating, especially for people who have a vulva/vagina.

How this feels isn't really something we can measure as what is or isn't common or normal, because that's so, so subjective and vast, and it's also harder for people to describe than something as relatively objective as a physical action, if you get what I mean.

I don't see any reason why a referral to sexual or other healthcare would be warranted here unless you just wanted to have conversations with those kinds of healthcare providers like you're having here. There's nothing to suggest there is anything wrong here, and I personally don't see any cause for concern. It just sounds to me like you're a young person who is in the (lifelong!) process of figuring out what does and doesn't feel good to you sexually, what you like and don't, and are also thinking about all of this through a common cultural lens of sexuality that tends to be very limited, underinformed and also often far more based in things like cultural gender norms than what people actually enjoy.

I don't know what virginity means to you, but can you fill me in a bit more on this? Are you thinking about doing whatever that means to you because you're sexually involved with someone in some way already, or have met someone you think you might want to be?

Can we also talk a little about your experience of pleasure in your life on the whole? Are there sensory/physical experiences that do feel good to you, separate from anything sexual (or that are sensual, but not genital)? Do you feel able to just explore pleasure following your own interests, or does it feel like there are things you think you should or shouldn't enjoy?

Thank you for your reply! I feel better already after reading it, it's something that feels very culturally taboo to discuss so I'm glad I finally have the opportunity.

To answer your questions about virginity, I've met someone I would want to be intimate with and while the idea excites me, it also makes me equally anxious. Socially, I'm at the age where most people have sex for the first time and friends talk about it in a really blasé way that I'm a bit jealous of. I don't want to behave 'incorrectly' or make the experience worse for someone.

In terms of my experiences with pleasure and experiences that feel good to me, kissing and general physical touch is enjoyable (though I sometimes find myself touch-averse for no reason). Porn is also somewhat pleasurable, though I don't know if that holds any relevance. I'm not sure exactly what you mean by 'following your own interests' but I do feel like genital pleasure is something that I should, and definitely something I would like to experience and I'm not sure how sex would function without it.

Thanks again for your reply, and I hope I'm able to answer your questions sufficiently!

[Heather]

I'm happy to talk about this with you here, and I'm glad to hear you're feeling a little better already.

So, per this person you have met -- no matter what age people are or how much sexual experience they have had -- there's no one kind of sex everyone likes, wants or must have, no one right or wrong timetable, and no "correct" when it comes to this. Instead, in every developing relationship, including the sexual relationship we have by ourselves, we want to work with pacing that feels good for everyone (not just one person), exploring the things we want to and learning what feels good or not -- to us, in the relationship, to the other person -- as we go. Honestly, it's easy to be really blase when you talk about sex if it's not offering you a whole lot, and just doing things we think we are supposed to or that everyone else is generally isn't all that enriching for folks, you know? Too, rushing into genital intercourse is rarely great for anyone. For any kind of sex to be good between people, they really need to be able to be connecting and communicating, and, ideally, building trust, sexual communication, and an understanding of each other's bodies and sexualities gradually with less high-stakes activities. That's not only usually how people feel emotionally good about sex they have, but how they actually can learn to have sex everyone involved really enjoys. Make sense?

You can't do this wrong by leading with what you want and feels good for you, including the pace that works. We won't always be a fit with someone else's wants or pace, but that's okay -- we all always can just take a pass on relationships or interactions that don't meet our wants or needs, and by doing that, and looking for the opportunities that ARE the right fit, again, that's how we all find the good stuff.

It might help to know that most of what we even feel in our genitals is about our central nervous systems, and that other parts of the body have as much, or nearly as much, sensation as genitals do. It's not like genitals are the only way to experience or express sexuality: you mentioned kissing, which is one very common way that people do that, for instance (and lips have even more sensation than genitals sometimes!). This piece might be a good place to start when it comes to considering a different way of looking at and defining what sex is: What's Sex?