Scarleteen

Hey,

I'm heading off to university soon and I feel like I'm behind on things. It feels like I'll be going into this new environment where everyone is more experienced than me in terms of sex and relationships. Since my last relationship ended about a year ago, I haven't been able to find someone that interests me romantically and by extension sexually (I suppose those two go hand in hand for me) so I haven't much developed on that front. I've made some attempts at dating but it never felt something worth pursuing.

That shouldn't be a problem, except I feel societal and personal pressure to have sex and be in a relationship. I find that in the past I've fallen in love when I'm not feeling pressured to be in a relationship and it comes naturally. The question is, how can I, just as I am starting university, let go of the idea I need to be in relationship? How can I be more relaxed in the fact people around me are having sex (and perhaps deal with the feelings of jealousy and inadequacy involved)? Would you say these feelings are fear of loneliness (I have been feeling a little lonely sometimes, but I always have people to talk to)?

Hi BeepBoop,

There are a few things I think could help you out with this, but a big one is to remind yourself that while it might feel like everyone around you at university has more sexual and dating experience, what we know statistically is that a LOT of people in your age group have a sexual and dating history much like your own.

In terms of how to let go of the need to be in a relationship, it may be more a matter of reframing that need rather than abandoning it entirely. There's nothing wrong about wanting a romantic relationship, or even actively searching for one. But what can sometimes get lost in that equation is the fact that finding potential partners involves more luck than some people admit; you have to be in the right place to meet someone who's attracted to you and who you are attracted to. So, what can help sometimes is to adopt a frame of mind where you want a relationship and would be happy if one happened but you're not putting intense pressure on yourself to find one.

I'm actually going to turn that last question back around at you. When you think about wanting a romantic partner, what feelings are behind that want?

I am going to try to provide some perspective for you here, in hopes that I can make you feel better.

I am in my final year of university, never been in an LTR, dated around, and am happy with my life. I had the exact same insecurities as you coming into university, but truly, no one cares about your lack of experience more than you do. And I mean that in a positive way, because you can control your mindset and how you think about your situation.

You should only pursue romantic endeavours if you feel a true connection with someone, not because you are simply lonely and you feel behind everyone else. Anyone who has been in a healthy relationship will tell you that their partner makes them happy for reasons beyond physical intimacy, it is crucial you develop a bond with someone.

With that in mind, I would say keep your head up high and pursue endeavours that make you happy. If you want to date, do it! Just make sure it is with people you are actually interested in, and are interested in you. The intention behind relationships is what is key to making them successful!