Vibrator & Partnered Sex

[MissConfused]

Bear with me, this will be long. I have been confused about my sexuality since I was about 19 and started experimenting sexually with men. So nearly 10 years! My first time with a guy, I was dating for about 2 months and the experience felt very flat and boring. Since then I have dated lots of different men and haven’t felt a strong desire or urge to be with them sexually. In the meantime, I discovered lesbian porn and lesbian fantasies and really enjoyed it. Even though I never had any confusing feelings towards a girl I met in real life, I just assumed I must be a lesbian because of this, and also for the lack of excitement that I feel towards men. I have used the dating apps extensively and it was very hard to find someone I thought seemed like my cup of tea. In the end, I dated 5 women, 3 I just didn’t want to be with sexually and couldn’t imagine it even though they were very pretty, 1 I did sleep with on multiple occasions and didn’t really enjoy and 1 I slept with really, really drunk. I started to feel quite depressed as it wasn’t really what I was hoping for. No one could relate to me either. In the meantime I have met a man who I adore. At the beginning of the relationship, the same sexuality issues and lack of excitement persisted and I started to spiral. Then he brought a vibrator into the bedroom and it has changed everything. I enjoy sex now for the first time ever and I love him for always prioritising my pleasure. I’m happy with him. But I can’t shake the feeling that I am reaching orgasm mechanically (or artificially) and often wonder if I have just decided to ignore the years of worry about my sexuality. I can use my own hands (lying on stomach, grinding hard on my hands and have been doing this since I was 3) and watch lesbian porn, but with him, I almost always reach orgasm and have a lovely experience, but only with a vibrator. I can masturbate thinking about him with a vibrator, but not with my hands? I just don’t get my sexuality and it is stressing me out so, so much. Why do I feel like my sexual experience with him isn’t valid unless I don’t use a vibrator? He has taken it in his stride and has said if I need to, we can have an open relationship to address the persistent sexuality worries.

[Nicole]

Hi MissConfused, thank you for reaching out! I want to emphasize that there is no "right" way to experience sexual pleasure or explore your sexuality. With this, there is nothing concerning about only reaching orgasm with a vibrator. Also, your sexuality does not have to be binary or linear, so there is absolutely nothing wrong with what you have been experiencing throughout your life with attraction to women and men.

I also want to let you know that you are not alone in your stress about your sexuality. It is actually really common for women to not reach orgasm from sex and mainly gain pleasure from utilizing vibrators. We receive many questions on this! Your sexual experience is valid if you think it's valid. There is really no such thing as "validity" in sex, as long as you feel good, comfortable, and safe. I am sorry that this is affecting your partner's confidence, but he should try to understand that this is not anyone's fault! I know he mentioned trying an open relationship--do you think that this would help? You have mentioned your sexual attraction to women yet dissatisfaction with your past relationships with them, so do you think a possible open relationship with women will change anything?

We do have some articles that focus on situations that are similar to your's, which I will link below. Maybe going over them with your partner will help you both understand how this should not affect either of you personally! Please let me know if they help or if you have any other questions.

• I can't orgasm from intercourse and it's ruining my relationship!

• The Great No-Orgasm-From-Intercourse Conundrum

[Sam W]

Hi MissConfused,

I want to add on a few questions to the advice Nicole offered you. Have you ever taken much time to explore or think about your sexual orientation that wasn't in the context of partnered sex? That could be things like reading about different identities, being in queer spaces, or even just thinking about what your actual patterns of attraction are. Too, when you say "sexuality worries" what do those worries center on? Is it that anxiety about not being sure how to label your sexual orientation, or are there other things involved as well?

[MissConfused]

I loved your response, thank you. Thanks as well for such a swift response. I have anxiety as well so of course my brain comes up with all these points that I may not have said or aren’t clear. I guess my worry is always that I basically feel nothing when I don’t have a vibrator yet I can reach orgasm alone with my hands? Fingers, oral, etc do not work for me when with my partner, no matter how much he tries or no matter how hard I try with him. I find the word “desire” and feeling horny very triggering as I don’t know if I have ever felt that “hunger” for another person’s body yet. Sometimes with him, I can feel super relaxed and get into the flow and enjoy pleasuring him, but other times it just feels quite numb and even painful. You mention sexual chemistry in one of the articles and in my fantasies, I orgasm at the thought of going down on a girl or her going down on me. Yet with vibrators, i suppose my constant worry is, I feel it almost doesn’t matter who the partner is, it could bring me to orgasm? I can think about him and orgasm, or her and orgasm with it? Maybe I don’t understand the ins and outs of a vibrator, but it is very powerful. Is this a worry that has been expressed before? I’m so sorry, I know this is definitely TMI. I’m happy in my relationship and I’m wondering if I am just trying to find things wrong with it or if these are legitimate concerns (as I mentioned, anxiety!) I come from quite a conservative upbringing as well and I have definitely worked through a lot of internalised homophobia with therapy to see if it cleared the air, then I met this man!

[MissConfused]

Hi Sam, sorry, I didn’t see your response whilst I was drafting the other one. I have taken a fair amount of time and have been in therapy. I suppose I know I’m not straight for sure and I accept this. I suppose with being in a relationship comes even more pressure to absolutely KNOW FOR SURE I am one identity or another, in order to avoid hurting a person. This is actually the longest I have been able to hold down a relationship so I don’t take these thoughts lightly. I suppose I’m not sure how to label myself, and I guess because I worried about it for so long thinking I must be a lesbian, I just wonder how I can just discard all of those worries and all of a sudden be happy with a man? And often with my lesbian porn and fantasies, it makes me worry even more.

[Nicole]

I absolutely understand your anxiety in this situation, you're not alone! Sexuality is incredibly complex and I think that the sensations coming from the different forms of masturbation play a massive role when thinking about different sexual fantasies. The sensations may relate to the idea of performing or receiving a certain sexual act. While your worries are entirely valid, I want to emphasize again that this is entirely normal and everyone explores their sexuality and sexual fantasies differently. Some things work for some fantasies, and some work for others. I do want to reiterate Sam's question on the possibility of your worries being based on labeling a sexual orientation. At the end of the day, pleasure is pleasure. Are your worries based on this at all? You mentioned that you had some internalized homophobia, so it seems like you are finally accepting that pleasure can come from a female or male partner. Is that correct?

You mentioned that it sometimes feels numb or painful when pleasuring your partner, can you expand on that? There are many factors that can play a role in a not-so-pleasurable sexual experience, like an uncomfortable environment or stress from other areas of life.

[MissConfused]

Sorry, I am getting confused with the terms. When I mean my worries with my sexuality, I do actually mean my sexual orientation. This may be a very stupid question but Could the fact that I am dependent on vibrators with a male partner mask the fact that I actually prefer women (due to sexual fantasies) etc l. Could a homosexual person still enjoy sex with the opposite gender if they used a vibrator? I think that is the essence of my concern, otherwise why did I worry for so long about my sexual orientation? And why am I still worrying about my sexual orientation? Sorry, probably a very silly question

[Mo]

I don't think that's a silly question at all! I don't know that there's an easy answer to it, but I don't think it's weird and silly to ask.

Whether someone who's homosexual could enjoy sex with a different-gender partner if a vibrator was used is something that will vary a lot from person to person. Some people really enjoy vibrators and others don't, and for some people, a gender preference in partners is a hard limit while for others it's a strong preference that might have room for an occasional exception. It isn't unusual for someone to be mostly attracted to one gender but experience either less frequent or less intense attraction to another.

We really can't make a general statement about this because there's so much variation, but what I can say is that if someone just isn't into sex with a particular person at all, it's pretty unlikely that a vibrator will feel good. I won't say it's impossible, but I think it's generally going to be necessary for some level of comfort or desire to be present. It does sound like you're not sure if you're really feeling that desire for your partner right now, so I can understand that this makes things a bit more complicated!

In terms of why you're still worrying about your sexual orientation, do you feel like you need to have really concrete answers about your orientation right now? I wonder if it might be helpful to accept that some aspects of it are confusing, and to focus more on facts you do know about yourself than on a specific word that perfectly encompasses all of those facts.

[MissConfused]

Thanks so much for the comforting reply Mo. I honestly think it is because I do think the orgasms are quite mechanical, I have read a lot about this. People who have no experience masturbating get a vibrator and are able to orgasm within minutes and then from overuse, they realise it stops working as effectively unless they begin to engage their brain and fantasy. And all my fantasies are pretty gay. If I don’t have a vibrator, I don’t get there and don’t really feel much. I am constantly worrying about this, which makes me think that something must be wrong. I adore him, I feel safe and comfortable around him, but he could be touching the same parts all day and I won’t get there, yet I can on my own within minutes. I really really really want it to work as he is such a lovely guy, but I just feel sad that I am maybe missing out on feeling true desire. I have read other articles and messages by yourselves that say desire is elusive, and if you are turned on, things should feel amazing down there! I was up most of last night googling again, I feel very low about this. I don’t know how to get myself turned on with him.

[MissConfused]

I’m sorry I know I’m going round and round in circles and I don’t really know what I’m expecting to hear. But I have notions in my head as to what sex “should” feel like, I.e really wanting to touch the other person and be touched, getting caught up in the moment, high motivation to do it regularly

[Sam W]

Hi MissConfused,

It's okay! These kinds of topics can bring up a lot of thoughts and feelings for people.

I want to touch a little bit on the role desire is playing here. You mentioned earlier that you feel like you haven't ever really experienced intense, sexual desire for another person. Does that only extend to people you know? Have you had sexual interest in people you don't, or maybe even couldn't, know in real life, like celebrities or fictional characters?

Too, when you and your partner are together, does him touching you feel good? Sexual pleasure isn't solely about orgasm, so I'm curious as to whether you're feeling pleasure with him that is then getting diminished by worries about whether you're orgasming the right way. It may also help to remember that people's experiences with vibrators, like all things that have to do with sex, are incredibly varied. So it could help to focus less on what other people might have had happen with vibrators and more on the role they're playing for you, specifically.

When we're looking at those "shoulds" you mentioned, the one I would encourage you to let go of is that people should have a high desire to have sex on a regular basis. There are so many things that influence our sex drive, and that includes the fact that some people just have less desire for sex overall than others do.

[MissConfused]

Hi there,

It’s me again. Since writing the last post, I have had crisis after crisis. 2 weeks ago, my boyfriend and I were at the point of break up, as to be honest, I am not really enjoying sex if I am not experiencing an orgasm. I need the vibrator to experience an orgasm. Lately, even the vibrator has not been working, which is what happened 2 weeks ago. I went to see a sexologist and avoided sex that week and then was able to have sex and orgasm multiple times the following weekend with him, we had a good time. I had to go to Paris for work and my sex drive was through the roof, watching porn every day (mostly straight). Then this weekend, it is completely back to 0. My body is just numb. We even started out with a sensual massage as I hoped this would relax me. I’ve noticed I brace anytime he goes near down there. I don’t know why. My thoughts are so scattered. I don’t know what to focus on during sex, even when it is feeling good. I constantly have this worry in the back of my mind that I’m a lesbian and thus I can’t get turned on. I feel like 50% of the time, it’s good. But never “WOW THAT WAS AMAZING” and 50% of the time I want to cry during sex. I feel myself about to well up and then I have to stop and he will just hold me. What’s wrong with me? Or is there nothing wrong with it me and I’m a lesbian after all?

[Elise]

Hi there MissConfused, I’m sorry to hear that you’re having a rough and confusing time at the moment. One thing that may help to consider is that your brain is a really important part of sexual response, and in a way that it more about what, or who you find arousing. The amount of stress we feel, including pressuring ourselves to feel pleasure, or feeling stressed all actually inhibit our sexual response, when we’re stressed the brain decides “we don’t have time for arousal, we’re stressed so there must be danger around!”, so actually being concerned about not being able to orgasm or be turned on, actually makes us less likely to do so, which is very counterintuitive.

We can think of the sexual response system as like that of a car, with both brakes and accelerator. If the brakes (stress, or other turn offs) are on, it doesn’t matter how much you rev the accelerator (the turn ons) the car (sexual response) doesn’t go anywhere.

This is called the dual control model of sexual response, and you can read more about it here, and I wholeheartedly recommend Dr Emily Nagoski’s book Come as You Are which expands on this topic, and confirms that this is a very common way for people’s bodies and brains to work, how you’re responding to stress is actually pretty usual, there is nothing wrong with you or a side effect of any sexuality.

That said, that doesn’t mean that it makes the current situation any less frustrating as you are still experiencing the stress and it’s effects, and that sounds like it’s pretty tough right now.

Earlier you mentioned seeing a therapist and a sexologist and it sounded like they were beneficial to you. Would you consider going back to see either or both of them and talk to them about what you’re feeling at the moment? Have you spoken to either about what it would mean to you to be attracted to multiple genders or women exclusively or not? Does this sound like something you’d be willing to try?