Avoiding the pronoun question

[Raffles]

With national coming out day coming up, I've been doing some thinking about what kind of information we owe others.

As someone who is mostly closeted regarding my gender identity, the pronoun question causes me quite a bit of stress. It's becoming more and more common to ask for pronouns. As someone who practices some gender non-conformity, I've had a few people come up to me and ask me directly which pronouns I'd prefer. However, given previous experiences, I really don't like telling people my pronouns because it's a big coming out moment. I also don't want to misgender myself and then have to come out later. Ideally, I'd just like to dodge the question in a way that's not awkward and doesn't come off as completely ignorant and transphobic.

So my question is in two parts. First, am I obligated to tell someone my pronouns? I understand that it's important basic information, but for some of us, it's a more complicated than a two syllable answer. But do I owe it to others to give them at least some pronouns even if they're the wrong ones or it doesn't feel safe to come out? Secondly, how does one go about avoiding the question without bringing up more questions? I've had people bluntly ask me about my sexuality ("what team do you play for"), and I'm comfortable dismissing that as too personal of a question. But saying "that's personal" feels very outing in its own way and "I'd rather not talk about pronouns" reads as very dismissive of pronouns in general.

Any thoughts? Or anyone have strategies that they like to use when someone asks them directly?

[CodingSocks]

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As someone who is mostly closeted regarding my gender identity, the pronoun question causes me quite a bit of stress. It's becoming more and more common to ask for pronouns. As someone who practices some gender non-conformity, I've had a few people come up to me and ask me directly which pronouns I'd prefer. However, given previous experiences, I really don't like telling people my pronouns because it's a big coming out moment. I also don't want to misgender myself and then have to come out later. Ideally, I'd just like to dodge the question in a way that's not awkward and doesn't come off as completely ignorant and transphobic.
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Hello Raffles!

I just wanted to chime in and agree that situations where we are forced to mention our pronouns, would be awkward and uncomfortable, even when these gestures are done with the best possible intentions. I actually haven't run into this situation since I've become closer and closer to accepting myself, but it is one that is gnawing at me as a possibility.

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First, am I obligated to tell someone my pronouns? I understand that it's important basic information, but for some of us, it's a more complicated than a two syllable answer. But do I owe it to others to give them at least some pronouns even if they're the wrong ones or it doesn't feel safe to come out? ...

My first thought is absolutely NOT. This is a gesture that is meant to make us feel more welcome, so I feel comfortable reinterpreting it in a way that is less distressing, and as a tool that I can wield in a way that I see more fit. This gesture could be used as a way to reinforce to friends who you are currently out to, what this current social setting requires. For example, If me and my friend go to two meetings, one where I introduce myself as he/him, and one where I introduce myself as she/her (Think of the first day of classes vs. a queer DnD club etc. etc. etc.), this could help them understand what I need from them. Either pretend you don't know anything or let it rip.

And to the bit about it not being a simple two-syllable answer, oh absolutely. Explaining and going into my specific and personal journey of "questioning" to a bunch of strangers and what exactly I mean by "she/her"... guh.

Secondly, how does one go about avoiding the question without bringing up more questions? I've had people bluntly ask me about my sexuality ("what team do you play for"), and I'm comfortable dismissing that as too personal of a question. But saying "that's personal" feels very outing in its own way and "I'd rather not talk about pronouns" reads as very dismissive of pronouns in general.

I don't have an answer for this. I'm bisexual. It is very easy for me to brush off questions about my sexuality because at many times it is strictly not necessary for other people to know, especially since I've been in a straight passing relationship. I don't have a good answer for your question here though. My best advice would be to try and brainstorm some ways you can use the question to your advantage, even if it is to reinforce staying in the closet. I guess my final answer is that the outcome of this social interaction isn't carved in stone. You have a lot of agency to reinterpret this in a way that is best for you. When you tell someone later that your pronouns are they/them/theirs, after previously using the pronouns you use in the closet, real allies will also understand that the space they were in wasn't the type of space in which you felt comfortable disclosing that part of yourself. If you are talking to the organizer of the space, who initiated the pronoun roll-call, who you trust to be an ally, you can also have a discussion about how the space they created wasn't positive for you, and attempt to have an honest dialogue about how it could be improved for you (If pronoun roll calls are non-negotiable for some reason, ask if you could show up 10 minutes late, and not be asked to participate. It would then be up to you whether you owe them an explanation for this. This is just one idea.).

This is also quite easy for me to suggest in the abstract, both to myself and to you. Real situations are much more complex than ideal conversations we can craft in our heads. Just remember to do what is best for you in the end, and don't feel like you owe anyone any answers.



In solidarity,

Socks

[Carly]

Hi Raffles -- I wanted to chime in on this, but also wanted to up top say that how I think is not necessarily the right or correct way to go about the issue. Especially because I'm cisgender and present very unambiguously. I almost never get asked about my pronouns, and when people guess they're often correct. I acknowledge that this is a privilege and I wanted to single out my perspective as different in that way.

I do not think you're *obligated* to tell anyone your pronouns - you're right, this can be a loaded question for some and that's ok. But something I think is worth considering is the emotional cost to you. A while ago, a friend of mine who uses they/them pronouns told me that every time someone at work uses she/her to refer to them it felt like someone flicking them with their thumb and pointer finger. It was distracting and hurtful, and on a regular basis. Perhaps you have a higher tolerance for this kind of misgendering, which is also ok. My friend didn't and they ended up coming out at work because they decided their discomfort with coming out was temporary compared to repeated use of the wrong pronouns.

Something I did want to highlight is that when someone is asking your pronouns, they're trying to create some space for you to talk about what you need. Not answering a direct question about your needs, in most scenarios, will allow others to potentially incorrected assume them or act in ways that may not honor them. I don't think there is a way you can necessarily dodge the question all together; I agree that "that's personal" or "I'd rather not talk about pronouns" sounds very dismissive even if you have some very valid feelings behind that response. But in terms of avoiding it a little bit, how would you feel about saying something like "you can use any pronouns for me"? The friend I was talking about earlier would answer the question with "they/them or she/her" until they were fully comfortable at work.

I hope this helps a little.

[Raffles]

Hi socks! I hear you on answering differently based on the situation. In professional and academic settings where I don’t know anyone, I feel comfortable pretending like I forgot and just say my name. When people as me specifically, I have a harder time lying. It sort of feels like I’m forced to come out, even when I don’t want to.

And Carly, I totally feel your friend on the flicking thing. Unfortunately, I am out at work, and it hasn’t really made a positive difference. I have 100+ students and work with a group of 15 teachers. A maximum of 6 people total use the correct pronouns, and maybe only half of those people are consistent. I’m not sure if I actually have a higher tolerance for misgendering or if it’s that I know it’s going to happen anyway no matter what I do. I will say that it does hurt not to be seen the way I’d like to, but I’ve come to grudgingly accept that people will pretty much always see me as a woman unless I pursue hormones and surgery (which I don’t want to do).

Overall, I think my biggest frustration is when people ask for my pronouns and then don’t use the pronouns I give them. Why ask in the first place in that case? I understand that asking is trying to show that they want me to feel comfortable, but I’ve also had quite a few people ask just to satisfy their curiosity about why my hair is cut the way it is and why I wear the clothes that I do.

These experiences have led me to distrust anyone who asks for my pronouns. It feels like there isn’t a point in answering if they’re going to use whatever they feel like regardless of what I say. Sort of like if someone asked me my name and I said Raffles but everyone went around calling me some other name instead.

In the end, I think Carly is right. Telling people that any pronouns are fine is probably the best course of action even if it’s not completely the truth.

[Andy]

Hi, I hope it's okay if I add one small idea even though I don't have any personal experience with that, if it's not, I'm sorry in advance
Its a bit off the original topic of this thread, but I think that in places like your work where you've already tried to come out so you know whether it is safe or not, it might be useful to try wearing a badge pin or something like that with your pronouns on it. People can't forget or pretend to forget about it then and you'll be spared at least most of their questions.
I've met a person who used something like this and it worked really well for them.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, it sounds incredibly frustrating and demotivating, I hope you find more people and places where your gender won't cause you any strees and you'll be accepted unconditionaly soon!

[Siân]

Hi Raffles,

I can really hear the frustration here! So many mixed messages, with people asking your pronouns and then not even respecting them if you do share. I can hear the discomfort of feeling like you're lying too. The thing that's really striking me in your question is that sometimes there *is* no perfect answer - sometimes, in an imperfect world we make imperfect choices. The feeling that either you lie or you out yourself is a textbook example of that. What it boils down to is variations on three options, maybe none of which is going to suit in every situation, but all of which are open to you each time.

1. Share more - giving your true pronouns, this is an act of trust!
3. Deflect - forgetting or ignoring the question, saying "that's personal"*, "any are fine" or "what are yours",
2. Share less - giving the pronouns people expect, this is an act of self-protection!

I know this probably isn't the perfect script you're looking for, but maybe finding some kind of peace with the fact that you may want to make a different choice each time is a way forward?

*For what it's worth, "that's personal" doesn't sound dismissive to me! In fact I think it's good modelling - sharing pronouns should always be optional!

[Raffles]

I'm typically a master of deflection, so it's funny (in a sad way) how bad I am at deflecting these questions. I suppose it stems from my aversion to conflict. I worry that people will say "I'm just trying to be inclusive" or what have you and then it's my fault for being rude. I also want to give people the chance to be good and do the right thing, but it's been harder and harder to do that as most people don't. Hopefully, going forward I'll be able to deflect better.

[Siân]

I'm sorry that you're in such a hard and unsupportive place with this right now. I hear how much you're trying to figure out the best way for *you* to act to make this feel better, but ultimately the responsibility lies with the people around you to be respectful, and get your pronouns right if they've been trusted with them. It feels like we've reached the limit of what you can do to make that happen - would you like to use this thread for venting some of the feelings that this is bringing up? Leave it here for now? Something else?

[Raffles]

I think it's best to just leave it. I'm fortunate enough to be early enough in my career that moving locations is easy, so I just have to make it through the school year. When I move and meet a whole new set of people, I'll know better what I'm getting in to from my experience this year. As for my personal life, well, the good news is that I'm not out to many people and they've already forgotten about it anyway. They don't ask for me pronouns, so there's nothing to avoid there. I know there's a lot of privilege in appearing/being/functioning as cis, so I am working on being grateful for that.