Gender feelings

[Berkeley2003]

Hi there,

I’m AFAB and recently have been struggling a lot with my gender identity in a short period of time. I think I’ve always known that my relationship with gender was rocky and uncomfortable but haven’t pieced it completely together until now. It’s pretty intense, nerve wracking and overwhelming - to the point where I feel frozen to do anything about it. I guess any advice on moving forward with making changes would be appreciated. I’m just doing a lot of thinking without making any actions. I guess it can be attributed to feeling fearful of people’s reactions even though I live in a very progressive city and have progressive personal circles. Thank you!

[Sam W]

Hi Berkeley2003,

I'm happy to help you brainstorm some ways to test the waters! When it comes to doing things about expressing your gender, have you done anything at home or in private to do so? If so what has that looked like? Too, when you think about starting to make changes, are there ones that you're particularly excited by the thought of?

As far as coming out to others, in your social circles are there any non-binary or trans folks you could talk with about this?

[Berkeley2003]

Hi,

Thank you for the offer!!

I haven’t really tried out anything at home or in the more public sphere due to anxiety. I guess I’m feeling overwhelmed and need to break through that impasse.

Something I’ve been considering is maybe getting a shorter haircut since I’ve always worn my hair long. Another thing is maybe figuring out my wardrobe because I’ve always worn pretty loose gender neutral clothing. I guess regarding clothes I feel a bit scared and could try clothing that are more explicitly masculine in privacy and see how that makes me feel. Through this, I keep oscillating between I’m definitely not cis and maybe you are since you haven’t tried out anything seriously - I think it’s likely hopeful thinking/ internalized transphobia.

I do have a non-binary friend that I’m planning to talk with about my feelings further and they’re aware of my situation. I might try to find support groups for people who are questioning in my area.

[Sam W]

I think both talking with that friend and looking for support groups is a great idea! If you need help locating those groups, that's something we could pitch in with if you'd like.

Since this is all still so new and overwhelming for you, I think small steps at home are probably the safest starting point and then we can kind of build from there. Are there items of clothing that read as masculine that you'd be particularly excited to wear or like the look of? And have you tried anything like adjusting your deodorant, shampoo, and things like that to be more "masculine" to see how that feels for you?

[Berkeley2003]

Hi there,

In terms of clothing I would be interested in trying maybe a tie? other than that I can’t think of anything else. I’m wondering if I’m drawing a blank because I’m not thinking creatively. It’s weird I feel like frozen to think through ideas. I’m not particularly interested in trying out like a deodorant or shampoo.

[Sam W]

If a tie is what you can come up with to try, then I'd say go for it! It's absolutely okay if there aren't a ton of ideas of what you'd like to try coming to mind; sometimes gender stuff feels so big that, as you mentioned, you can end up feeling kind of frozen.

Something else that might help you is to use a tool like the GenderQuest Workbook: https://bookshop.org/books/the-gender-q ... 1626252974. I like how it uses incremental steps, and how a lot of it focuses less on trying to figure out what gender expression is right for you and instead focuses on what individual components of self expression you're drawn to.

[Berkeley2003]

Thanks!! That’s a helpful resource.

I think it’s helpful to frame my journey as going towards more authentic self expression as opposed towards going to labels. I think I just feel really nervous and should see a gender therapist.

[Sam W]

I think that framing is a good idea, especially with this all feeling so overwhelming! If you're leaning towards seeing a gender therapist, we can help you navigate the process of finding one if that's helpful.

[Berkeley2003]

I agree. I’m having second thoughts even though I scheduled a initial consultation with a gender therapists. Sorry to make this complicated, but I’m a person with diagnosed OCD. My OCD has involved gender obsessions and I wonder if I should get my OCD settled before gender exploration? It’s like I’m just mulling over and doubting over the question of being trans.

[Emily N]

Hi Berkeley2003,

I’m glad you were able to schedule an initial consultation! I understand wanting to have good coping mechanisms in place for OCD before possibly exploring your gender, as that process can come with a lot of processing and emotions. But I also don’t want you to feel like you have to “settle” your OCD before you try exploring with gender expression if you are excited about exploring. It could even be worth having a conversation during this consultation about the role OCD might play in your gender exploration and they might have specific advice.

[Berkeley2003]

Yeah those are good points but I don’t even feel particularly excited to explore gender expression. I feel like my mind is ruminating and ruminating that I can’t make any moves so that’s kind of why I wanna settle my OCD if that makes sense. I’m just confused what to do and maybe talking it out in my initial consultation may help

[Sam W]

That all makes a lot of sense! And I think bringing to your therapist your concerns about how OCD is interacting with your feelings about gender expression and your thoughts about how you might need to focus first on addressing OCD is a sound idea. They may have some tools to help you navigate all that or, if they don't feel equipped to, they should be able to help you find additional care that's more focused on addressing OCD.