Ghosting

[Raffles]

I've been ghosted quite a bit this year, and I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. For reference, none of these have been in the context of dating. Mostly, it's been about getting in touch with people and talking about hard things for some closure.

It's happened a good 5 times this year where I've reached out to someone for one of the above purposes, and it's ended with getting ghosted. Sometimes, I've found out later (keyword here is later, it's typically months later) that it's been for completely legitimate reasons (health issues, family tragedy). But mostly it's been just... unexplained silence.

Here's typically how it goes
1. We get in touch, or someone has put us in touch
2. I ask for the thing, whatever it is. I make sure to give people lots of outs. I remind people that it's okay to say no, or that I understand if they're busy and don't have time, or that I know that it might be too big/difficult of an ask.
2. The person agrees. (I'm fairly certain that it's not due to a power imbalance as all of these people are older and wiser and more superior in their roles than I am).
3. I offer to set up a time to call/meet/talk.
4. The person doesn't answer.
5. I send a follow up with updated availability a few days to a week after step 3.
6. The person doesn't answer.
7. I send another follow up about two weeks after step 5 in case I caught them at a bad time.
8. The person doesn't answer.
9. I send a final message that's something along the lines of "I hope you're alright. Are you still up for/interested in finding a time? If not, no worries."
10. The person doesn't answer.

I do not think that people owe me an explanation ever. However, it would be nice to have some sort of response, even if it's a simple "no." It makes me feel bad that I'm not worth the time or energy of a two-letter word.

I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. Am I sending too many or too few messages? Am I giving people adequate space to decline? Is a month or three not enough time? Is it unreasonable to expect that people let me know if they aren't available/willing/able? Anyone have any insight?

[Carly]

Hi Raffles -- I can really relate to what you're going through right now, especially recently. Though most of the ghosting I'm experiencing is in the context of dating, it seems to be taking a similar toll on the both of us as we are both left wondering what we're doing wrong. This is one of those things where I wish there was a formula or a tutorial, but unfortunately there's no way to account for every person's situation and how they will react to you. I think you are being very clear with what you need from people, and you have gone of your way to make sure that these situations feel safe and doable. I think this is all you can do on your end, as frustrating as that is to hear. Something I've learned about being ghosted or shut down is, no matter the kind of connection it is, there are a lot of people who react to things/people/situations that challenge them by removing themselves. Sometimes it's not because they don't want to engage, but because they don't feel like they're able. Sometimes people doubt their ability to handle hearing about the consequences of their actions or face having to know that they've caused harm. I don't think it's fair of me to make assumptions about what's going on with the folks in your situation, but this is often been the case in mine. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect someone to communicate why they are unable to talk with you, especially with how much care you pay to making that situation hospitable for them. But I do think you're assuming that if they don't it's because of something you're doing and can fix, which can put a lot of pressure on you. Especially if the purpose of these conversations is closure.

I'm wondering, have you ever thought about the ways you can get closure without speaking to these people? Does that feel doable or something that isn't possible? Could you take their unwillingness (for whatever reason) to not want to talk with you as the closure you need to understand the situation?

[Raffles]

I’m sorry to hear that you’d been getting ghosted. I feel like it’s much more common given the online dating scene. I also feel that the culture of “you don’t owe anyone anything” is often misconstrued and used to justify a lack of communication or maturity in handling situations that should be discussed.

I’ve eventually been able to take the silence as a response, but it is still frustrating. Again, all of these people are significantly older than I am, so I often feel like I have to be the adult in these situations.

[Carly]

Hey Raffles -- I think that's a great observation about misappropriating the concept of not owing anyone anything. I've also noticed that. It sounds like you ultimately know that you're in the right here and it's others who are not meeting you halfway. I wish there was a more direct solution to this issue for you. Do you have any more feelings about this you want to get out?