advice for talking with a crush

[hoid_washington]

Hi Scarleteen peeps,

Longtime reader of the main website, new reader and poster to these forums. This is kind of embarrassing to write, but here goes.

I (20 years old, she/her) have never been in any kind of romantic or sexual relationship. I know that that's not unusual, but I still feel insecure about it sometimes. Mostly it means that I have no idea how one goes about the process of getting someone to like you. I have had crushes before, but they've been what I like to dub "flash in the pan" crushes - I'm into the person for like two days before I abruptly and easily get over them. However, now I'm experiencing a long-lasting crush and my brain does not have a social script for this situation and is therefore panicking.

So I'm a sophomore in college, and I am in the marching band (I play clarinet, if you're curious). There is a boy (junior in college, he/him) in the trumpet section that I have A Lot Of Feelings about. I met him fall semester of last year - both through marching band and having another class together (I'm a theatre major, he's a theatre minor). About halfway through last semester, my brain noticed that Trumpet Boy is cute and also very upbeat and overall a joy to be around. The crush persisted, but I didn't have any classes with him spring semester, so I figured that by now my crush would have died out. As you can guess, it has not.

As I have no skill or knowledge in the art of flirting, I was perfectly happy to take an approach best summarized by the iconic John Mulaney quote, "I'll keep all my emotions right here, and then one day I'll die." (Except, y'know, hopefully I don't actually die.) Trumpet Boy and I had only ever talked to one another on an acquaintance level, so I didn't expect him to have any interest in me outside of that. However, I started saying hi to him when I passed him on the sidewalks and stuff, figuring it couldn't hurt. Not long after that, he started seeking me out specifically to talk to me one-on-one!!! Aaaaaaaaa /pos

Here's the thing though: not only do I not know how to flirt, I'm not quite sure whether Trumpet Boy is interested in me in a romantic way. He's been making an honest effort to get to know me, which is good, but also he doesn't seem to treat me that much differently than his other female friends. And I honestly have no idea how I'm coming across because I don't know how to send these kinds of signals, or even what specific kinds of signals I want to be sending out. See, I struggle with normal social interactions already - I'm socially awkward and have trouble both sending and interpreting tone sometimes. (I have a lot in common with some autistic/neurodivergent people I know, so that might also be a thing??? But I haven't gotten an official diagnosis from a doctor yet so take that with a grain of salt.) So basically I have very little idea if he knows that I like him or if he likes me and I think my head may explode. To prevent said head explosions, I've been trying to just be quote-unquote "normal" around him, but that's just leaving us in this awkward will-we-won't-we-do-you-even-want-to territory. And yes, I know that the simplest way to solve this problem is to just ask him if he likes me. But consider the following: like most people, I don't wanna get rejected.

So, uh, advice??? Specifically on how one goes about flirting while being a socially awkward insecure human.

(This was so long and rambly I'm so sorry if it doesn't make any sense)

[Elise]

Hi there hoid_washington, I'm glad to hear that you were comfortable asking a question here with us. One thing that it can help to think about right off the bat is to say that "flirting" as depicted in media as this kind of cryptic and innuendo-but-not-too-much is not a mode of communication that you need to participate in to date, and most people don't follow a specific formula or anything. Also as you mention that Trumpet Boy wants to spend time with you 1:1, and that you have difficulty interpreting tone, it sounds like being able to "flirt" wouldn't actually achieve things as he already is interested in spending time together, and a response to the flirting wouldn't be clear, does that make sense? Another way to frame this is, Trumpet Boy already likes spending time with you as you are, so you don't need to change your behaviour or adopt any other behaviours or mannerisms artificiality (nor should anyone feel pressure to do this, really, if they're looking for a compatible person to hang out with as a partner).

You can continue to time together and see where it goes. As you mention having difficulty interpreting his responses and making your own intentions clear, perhaps then we could reframe the question as one about communication, and also about the very human concern about the risk of rejection. On the latter, it can really help to reframe the state of not knowing as similar to that of the relationship not being romantic (ie. if he's interested in friendship rather than romance only), whilst the initial feeling of rejection would hurt, the result of not asking and asking is similar, which may assist with your internal risk assessment of experiencing the rejection.

We have a great list of articles that expand on this topic at this link here: Quickies: Crushes. The main things that are applicable to your situation as described are under the list titled "For more information about crushes and related topics". Please give them a read if you can and then feel free to post your reflections, questions and anything else here if you feel comfortable doing so