How do I figure out my gender?

[carmy]

I’m an 18 year old female and i’ve been questioning my gender for about 2 years now. I’ve always been more masculine and tomboyish.

I saw this tiktok yesterday about a cis girl saying she has never felt feminine enough and feels like she isn’t seen as pretty. I kind of wonder if that’s what i’ve been feeling. I have masculine features and don’t really feel like I could be viewed as a girl or pretty. But i’m not even sure if I want to be seen as a girl or not.

Often I see guys and wish I looked like them and had their personality and I don’t know if that has anything to do with gender envy or if it’s just normal envy.

I remember seeing a post that said something like “transitioning isn’t gonna make you attractive if you are ugly before you will still be ugly” and I do sometimes think that I do kind of feel like transitioning would make me less ugly lol.

I don’t like my chest and wish it was flat but also feel like i’d somehow regret top surgery.

I kind of feel like buzzing off my hair could help me figure out my gender but I’m almost sure I’d regret it. Also my parents wouldn’t allow it. Im insecure about my neck, jawline, forehead, and kind of hide behind my long hair.

When i’m alone I feel like i’m a guy but I don’t know how i’d feel being seen as a guy by others. Right now I think I might be gender fluid or agender but I really don’t know. I wish I looked more androgynous.

I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this. I have a therapist but have had selective mutism since I was a kid and i’ve never made progress in therapy because of that.

[Sam W]

Hi carmy,

The first thing I want to give you is this workbook: https://dochub.com/mistybonta/bDa8NX3Rd ... GyQiKfKo2k. Part of why I recommend it is because it focuses on both the bigger feelings people might have about their gender, but it also drills down to focus on things like how you want to present yourself in general without worrying about what labels to attach to those presentations. You may also find this article helpful right about now: Gender Confusion: Being Unsure Doesn't Have to Be a Bummer

When you think about being able to be gender fluid or agender, how do you feel? Conversely, when you think about going through life being perceived as a woman, called "she," and things like that, how does it make you feel?

I do want to address that comment about being "ugly"; while it's true that if you look like Danny Devito, transition won't turn you into Chris Evans (or vice versa), I think comments like that oversimplify things. For starters, when someone is able to live as the gender that's right for them, it can often lead to an increased confidence in their appearance or feeling at home in their skin. And to be honest, those things are often as important, if not more important, in how attractive we feel (and to a lesser extent, how attractive other people might find us) than our specific features. So thinking "hey, maybe I'd feel more attractive as this gender" doesn't immediately mean you're not "really" genderfluid. Does that make sense?