why is life so complicated

[justablorbo]

i've recently discovered i'm aromantic and ended a relationship with someone who i was very close with because i just didn't feel comfortable anymore. the thing is, i'm not asexual, and i still feel a need for a sexual connection apart from a romantic one, but it's so hard to search for a partner and he was the one whom i had to fulfill my wishes for physical intimacy. obviously that was not the only thing i liked about him and we are still friends and i am not really sexually attracted to him anymore but i don't have anyone else to try these stuff with, i've been going back and forward considering dating apps and stuff but I KNOW they're dangerous so i've stepped away from them, also bc of trust issues bc you truly never know who is on the other end. plus like i said i do not want a serious relationship just a hook up and the truth is i don't wanna make people feel bad because i turn them down, it's just i'm not interested in a serious relationship an i feel like a shitty person for that, even though i know i'm not. anyways the real problem is i don't know how to find someone who would want me for that stuff and i don't wanna go around asking people my age like ohh heyyy are u interested in this without further knowing eachother, i'm also trans so it's double as hard to find people who would be interested in me. but like i said, dating apps are a no-no. so i don't really, know what to do.. i have turned to masturbation but for some reason it doesn't really satisfy me, like i'm serious, i don't feel anything when fingering and stuff. i've also tried to use roleplaying bots and stuff like that bc talking to real people like that feels bad but like it isn't as effective. am i a shitty person for being like this?

[Nicole]

You are NOT a shitty person for any of this. Wanting a hookup instead of a serious relationship is pretty common, especially for young people. Commitment can be overwhelming and since you are aromantic, you are just not romantically attracted to anyone, and that is so valid. Before moving forward, I just want to ask—are you asking us for advice to find sexual partners? I just want to clarify this before I give you any unwanted advice. You seem pretty self-aware though, you know you aren’t a shitty person for this and it seems like you just needed a second opinion!

[justablorbo]

thank you for replying so early! i was a bit anxious this was not gonna make it through or it sounded weird. yeah i wanted some advice on how to find sexual partners, i hope it's not like bad to ask for that? not sure if you have to abide by a law and not tell me stuff like that because well.. yeah. most of the stuff on the post though was me mostly venting because i wanted to let it out and get some general reaffirmation, like i said i sometimes feel like i'm shitty for being like this and i can't seem to get it out of my head today.. i found this forum very helpful, i stumbled accross very useful information, but i still felt incomplete in some way and wanted to get a more personal reply. like you said, i probably needed some second opinion because i feel a lot better already by having someone else telling me my feelings are valid so thank you. but yeah i still want advice on the other part haha

[Sam W]

Hi justablorbo,

We can certainly help you brainstorm safe ways to find sexual partners. My first piece of advice would be to steer clear of dating apps for the time being; as you may have noticed, they're aimed at adults rather than teenagers, a boundary that's there to keep everyone safe. What if, instead, you looked for partners in places like school? Does that feel doable to you?

Too, when it comes to more general advice on how to do this, you might find this article really helpful: Casual...Cool? Making Choices About Casual Sex

[justablorbo]

most of my school classmates are a lot older than me so i don't feel comfortable with that ( i'm like the youngest in the class bc my school is like one of those schools where you skip years to graduate faster since my regular school was rly hard on me ) on the other hand, thanks for sending the article! it was a good read and to answer the questions there: yes, i do feel comfortable with all of that. maybe casual sex is the option for me after all. though it's often shamed/looked down upon and maybe that's where my self doubt comes from still, thanks for reaffirming my experiences

[Nicole]

Hi justablorbo,
I understand your concerns and I totally get the whole negative stigma that surrounds casual sex. Have you experienced any particular backlash from this? Do you have any particular worries?

Now, while I was growing up, many people would meet romantic and/or sexual partners through friends of friends. Do you have friends that could introduce you to their friends who might be in a similar situation or have similar interests? I do want to recommend that this should approached carefully, as your friends might not always know the intentions of their friends. Please let me know if this helps in any way!

[justablorbo]

i've never personally recieved backlash from it from friends or family actually, my mom says it's pretty normal to be a horny mess at this age and time actually. i guess it all boils down to the fact i'm really insecure, even if nobody prompts me to think that way. actually, i am even a bit anxious from replying here, but i know i shouldn't feel that way, after all you all deal with this kind of stuff regularly, right? haha
and that's a great idea, i do have friends who could possibly introduce me to meet other people, i might approach the issue though on a less direct manner? maybe just saying i'll like to meet new people and then, when i get to talk to them i'll tell them what it is about. does that sound good? i'm not sure, it would personally feel weird to ask a friend to guide me on it, but i guess it would also be weird for them to find out another way, and would feel pretty dishonest.. that being said, i don't think they will judge me too much, like i said before it all boils down to my own insecurities because people around me are pretty open minded.. so i ought to give it a try

[Nicole]

Please don’t worry about chatting with us! We have conversations like this all the time, so there is nothing to be ashamed of. I’m glad you’re taking interest in my idea! I think communication is key in forming a trustworthy and consensual sexual relationship. That being said, I think it’s important to have a clear and direct line of communication from the start of any relationship, whether it be platonic, romantic, or sexual. I know you said they’re pretty open minded, but I would still ask your friends about how their friends would react if you approached them with the way that you were thinking about. Please let me know what you think! Also, if you are interested in more information on navigating consent in general, definitely let me know!