I was just fine until…

[Sandyzo]

Just a lil history…I am 22 it’s not exactly later in life, but feels like it to me. I grew up in a Christian household my family does not accept or entertain the idea of questioning one’s sexuality, I’m Christian myself but I hold nothing against anyone’s sexuality I believe we should love freely. I always felt I was straight growing up, I did not really understand the idea of being gay or loving another gender. (Again Christian household) I went to private Christian school until middle school. Plus I always dreamt of meeting my future husband and starting a family that’s all I always wanted and still do. I really started questioning things for the first time in high school in my junior year, I had a couple of friends who were coming out or been out and dating different genders. So I started wondering…I had attempted or played with the idea of doing things once in a sleepover as a child (but I didn’t know what I was doing) And I found certain women attractive and wondered what sex with a woman was like but I never thought of dating anyone. I talked to a friend back in high school about it in an hypothetical way but quickly shut it down as soon as they started to catch on. I don’t know I got scared I was opening a door I honestly was not ready for myself but to be honestly questioning your sexuality at the time seemed like a trend and I told myself it was just a phase and I am just being curious. I moved on with my life; around 18 I moved out and was free to start dating around I lost my virginity to a guy and it’s sucked, I tried again with someone else…it still sucked…and again but didn’t go all the way…( hey! don’t get over yourself I only have a body count of 2 not including my current spouse) I eventually gave up, sex wasn’t good or fun I decided maybe I shouldn’t have sex at all I started a no sex for a year pact. So I didn’t for a whole year until I met my current boyfriend we had been talking on and off since high school and were really into each other…we decided to start dating seriously and low and behold I actually enjoyed sex for the first time it wasn’t as great as when I did things with myself but it was definitely a breakthrough..I came to the conclusion that maybe I needed to be in love with my spouse that’s why it always sucked. (it doesn’t makes sense to me now…but that’s all I could think of to explain it) We have been dating for 2 and a half years now, committed and happy never felt the need to look anywhere else (I found both genders attractive still but) I was happy and satisfied with my relationship and where it was going (my dream of a happy family) recently I was hanging out with friends for a movie night me and a friend rode together (she is bi and is currently happily dating a female and I am happy for her), when it was time to head out on the drive back home. I asked her about the details of how they met. She explained to me that she wasn’t exactly trying to date a female, didn’t know she was bi but she was always curious, but they were into each other, found each other and went for it. I asked her how she feels about dating a girl now and she says she’s happy and will never go back that everything’s better with a girl down to the sex…”I was thought sex with a girl might be better” I told her “l’m sure if I explored that further and I would bevjust like you” “I just never did” I started wondering why I never did; I have been curious and yearning for deep inside, for years but I never did anything. I started realize what I was saying is something I never said out loud before even to myself…I’m regretting not exploring more. Seeing how my friend is with her partner had me wondering what if that was me…should that I have been me. Which made no sense because I am happy in my relationship I love my boyfriend I want to marry him someday and there is no question about that. After I dropped her off that night I was so deep in my thoughts, I took the long way home…Ever since that night I can’t stop these thoughts. I realized while writing this I always envied my friend. But the thing is I was just fine until that night.

I have to tell my boyfriend I know he won’t leave me and I don’t want to end a relationship but I honestly don’t know what to do or where to go from here… I want to forget it all and put it at the back of my mind, but I feel like it would only make things worse later on…plus I’m scared of being judged or how this might affect our relationship… I just can’t let go of these thoughts I’m just so scared of what this means I could cry. Honestly any tips or advice will help even just sharing your story too.

[Nicole]

Hi Sandyzo,
I understand your situation really well. I am also in a committed relationship with a man and I haven't experimented with women since I was like, 15 years old! Sometimes I look back and wonder if I explored more, especially romantically rather than sexually, I would have fallen in love with a woman. However, considering how much I am in love with my current partner, I wouldn't trade it for the world.
Now, as for your situation, how do you think you will bring this up to your partner? What are some ways you think he will judge you? When bringing this up, I would definitely reassure him that you still love him and want to continue the relationship, but you have been experiencing these reoccurring thoughts and need someone to listen. It's not like you are asking for an open relationship (unless you both are interested in pursuing that?), you just have some thoughts that are causing you stress. Overall, I really want to emphasize that instead of focusing on the "what if's" in life, really take time to appreciate the positives of your current relationship with your partner. Please let me know if any of this resonates with you, take care!