Scarleteen

(English isn't my first language so bare with me please)

Hi there, I'm a 20 y/o female with supportive friends and family but I'm not sure where to go to talk about this in particular so I decided to shoot my shot here.

I'll start by giving some background info: I've been reading fanfiction about a certain ship for a couple of years now. The fics vary from soft and romantic to detailed smut. I think I've been reading about the same people because I like the comfort of already knowing most of their personalities, and just really like to read about the romance / intimacy between them. I used to not see it any diffently than reading a romance novel. It has, however, recently been making me feel incredibly insecure and shameful. This is because the people I read fanfics about are 2 men and I'm (pretty sure) that I'm a straight female. (A little confused about that one bc I know I don't identify as a man and do as a woman, but I also feel like somewhere in between sometimes?) I watch lesbian porn sometimes (not very often tho) and can get off to women but have never really felt sexually attracted to any girl when i'm not 'getting it on' so to say. To get back to the topic; I feel ashamed that I fantasize about the 2 guys because I feel like people will judge me for it / they feel like I don't respect homosexual people, which of course I absolutely do.

Besides all that I have a pretty complex imagination and I have taken a lot of characteristics of these people and turned them into made-up characters. (I don't feel comfortable shipping IRL people and I'm aware they aren't my friends or anything. I see reading about them as a source of entertainment / a hobby). One of the guys looks pretty manly, is confident but also sweet. I feel extremely attracted to him. The other guy is very pretty, looks more feminine and can be quite insecure at times. Am also attracted to him but in a different type of way. I can't really explain it, but whenever I get off to my imagination and I envision him and me, I'm always the one on top so to say. Sometimes it is me doing something sexual with one of them but that's usually not the case.

Now here finally comes the statement from the title; when masturbating I almost always envision them doing it with eachother, me nowhere to be seen. This confuses me and makes me feel like I'm really freaking weird. Aren't you supposed to think about yourself when getting off? And why is it always them I think about when I'm masturbating without watching something? Am I a freak who has made up people to feel attracted to? Or am I just figuring out what things I like? I have been struggling with depression and symptoms of anxiety for the past 2,5 months for different reasons. And because of this I have been overanalyzing everything I do and think, which has lead to me feeling guilty about everything mentioned above. Which in return has made my depression worse. I am currently on a waiting list to talk to a psychologist but I know I'm never going to be talking about erotic fantasies / guilty pleasures with them so i'm really sorry for oversharing, but this is the only place I knew to go to.

Thank you for hearing me out.

Hi Sascha.k,

First off, it’s okay to not have a definitive “answer” to your gender and sexuality, it sounds like you’re giving yourself room to think about your identities, and that’s great! There’s no pressure to put labels on yourself if it feels stressful, only if they are helpful for you.

Regarding your fantasies, it’s absolutely okay to fantasize about two men, regardless of your identity! our sexual fantasies generally aren’t something we can control, and nor should we if they aren’t causing us or someone else harm. I also think that the fantasy that you are describing isn’t the same as fetishizing (which is maybe what you’re alluding to as being disrespectful), which is harmful or disrespectful if it reduces another person’s identity for the sexual benefit (and often power) of another person. From what you are describing, I can see how there can be something attractive or sexy about people or characters who you are attracted to being attracted to each other.

Sometimes fantasies can seem “weird” and that’s okay! Many many people have fantasies they might consider “weird” to talk about out loud, but the truth is that fantasies come in “all shapes and sizes”. I also think more people than you might realize masturbate to material that does not directly involve them. That’s all to say that I think your fantasy is perfectly reasonable and it’s healthy to have fantasies.

I’m sorry you’ve been struggling with depression lately, and I’m glad to hear that you are taking steps to talk with a psychologist. Once you get connected with a psychologist, while you definitely don’t have to talk about your erotic fantasies with them, it is 100% okay to do so! I know many people who talk to their therapists about sex and sexual fantasies, because (as it sounds like you know) even though they can be fun, they can also cause discomfort, distress, and guilt and it can be helpful to talk that through with someone else.

Hopefully this is helpful, and just know that you aren’t alone in riding the fantasy emotional rollercoaster!