Scarleteen

Hi

I’m new so I hope this isn’t too much of a word vomit.

I’m a lesbian and I grew up in a super conservative household so that took me a while to figure out, and so I haven’t dated much. I recently started dating again-and I really liked this person and we made out on the first date which was the first time I’ve ever made out. The next date we had sex, and I’ve never had sex before, and then the next time we were at one of our houses we made plans to do some other stuff but she came to the door and like within 5 minutes we were having sex. I’ve been seeing her for like a month? And it feels like all we do is have sex (or sex adjacent things) and it kinda freaks me out a bit.

My partner is definitely not forcing or coercing me, and is extremely responsive at like asking if I need a break just based on my body language, and if I ask to stop she immediately stops and doesn’t pressure me at all.

I know this sounds weird, but I kinda feel like I’m not ready to be having sex? Like I want it, but I’m just so passive and scared to say what I want, and when we have sex all I do is follow her lead, and idk, I want to feel more confident and I want to have sex when I feel confident to do things to her, to try out things, to ask her to do things or say what I want. But I’m just so embarrassed and ashamed that I don’t. And then inevitably I get in my head because I don’t want to be embarrassed and ashamed and idk. It isn’t super fun.

I’ve tried explaining this to her, in text, and saying that I want to take things slower, and she’s respectful and is like 100% that’s fine, let’s find a solution what works for you, what helps you. Which is sweet and lovely, but like I’m so in my head and idk if embarrassed is the right word that I can’t think and continue that conversation about finding solutions that then I end up again going sure yes, that sounds fine let’s try that. She’s offered to take all physical things off the table, but I really like making out with her, and I do want to have sex, I’m just scared.

when I see her in person I just follow her lead, and like I know she wants sex, and like, she definitely does not pressure me, but it’s more like, well whenever we’re alone she starts making out with me (which I’m very fine with) then she asks me what I want to do, or what I’m thinking in a playful tone and I like interpret that as she wants to have sex, which is not her fault, it’s more my issues and just like societal pressures that like well your supposed to have sex right, this is what she expects, and so like I’m like let’s make out on my bed, which leads to sex. It’s not, like she asks me if like I’m ok with each thing as we go and I say yes, but I don’t know. Im not not okay with it. I want to have sex where I’m more assertive cause it’s not fun when I’m not assertive.

When I try to talk with her about this in person I just get so flustered and tongue tied and like I can’t really do it. Like it’s so bad sometimes I don’t think I’ve said the word sex around her yet, which is frankly ridiculous.

I kinda feel like because I’m so passive and not good at saying and discussing things I’m not ready to have sex, and I just get so scared and in my head sometimes when we’re having sex because of this. Again she’s extremely respectful and doesn’t push me, it’s me pushing me.

I also like, a part of me really does want to have sex and like I like that she is assertive and imitates things cause I’ve had passive partners before and like neither of us would initiate even kissing, which I wanted to a lot I was just scared. So I kinda don’t want to stop seeing her because if this, because I like that she pushes me.

I’m extremely fine with long make out sessions, it’s just that those long make out sessions lead to sex and I’m too scared to say no in he moment. Because it’s not that I don’t want sex, it’s that I’m scared. But then I’m like well avoiding sex will just make me more scared. I don’t know, I’m sorry for the word vomit, I just wanted to talk about this with someone, and like I don’t have a lot of people to talk about this with. That’s also partly why I don’t want to stop seeing her. Like she’s the only person in my life at the moment that I can relate to and feel like I’m not a freak, because we, like she gets me, and has had similar life experiences to me and is queer. Cause all my friends are either straight or just in a completely different stage of life, and I’ve been trying so hard to find queer people I can relate to for ages, and I can relate to her.

Thank you for listening if you read all of that.

Hi Lee1234,

So, it sounds like there might be a few things happening here that are getting tangled up and making this even harder for you to sort out. I think there are a few starting places that might help us untangle it.

Let's start with that feeling scared to say what you want. When you think about that feeling, what seems to be causing that fear? Are you afraid or looking or sounding silly? Or her reaction? Something else?

It also sounds like it might be helpful to practice taking your girlfriend's questions as genuine when she asks them during make outs or sex, rather than assuming what she wants or pushing yourself to do what you "should" do. There's no should when it comes to the pace of sex; there's only what each person is comfortable with. Does that make sense?

Thank you for reading my word vomit.

I’m not 100% sure why I’m scared to say what I want. When it comes to doing stuff to her, I hold back probably because I’m scared of doing something silly, like what I’d
(Also because I think she’s really good at sex, both physically and like the emotional stuff of reading body cues and like saying the right checking in or calming things, and I’m a bit like well I can’t compare to that, I’m scared of being silly, or even like, scared of finding out that I’m not actually empathetic or respectful of peoples boundaries like I think I am or would like to be).

When it comes to saying what I want with sex, or don’t want I think it’s partly/mostly a fear of being too much, too demanding?

Idk there’s also this fear that like honestly I barely know her and yet I like pretend to trust her and let her into my home and bed and she has never given me any indication that she would break that trust, but maybe I’m scared of her breaking my trust so like I don’t give her an opportunity to do that? I don’t know that sounds extremely controlling and not good, and I don’t want to do that, but also literally trusting a practically a total stranger is also extremely scary, and especially idk, like it’s a bit scary cause you get told all this BS growing up about like having to constantly be saying no it’s your responsibility for maintaining strong no sex boundaries and never giving an inch cause if you give an inch the scary “other” will take a mile and it will be all your fault. I don’t know, I don’t believe any of that stuff, but sometimes I wonder if I do a tiny tiny bit? Or maybe I’m making it up that I believe any of that stuff and I’m just pretending to believe it

Logically I know you’d totally right and that like I need to take what she says seriously, and not read into what she’s saying, cause that isn’t kind to her or valuing her, and would be a terrible way to maintain a relationship if we had one going forward. Idk, I just yeah, in the moment I just can’t think and like idk I just default to trying to people please? Idk sorry I probably like way over-psycho-analyzed myself and the situation

We're always ready to read what folks post here, even if it feels jumbled on your end!

I'm wondering if one possible way to approach this is by making this a series of conversations you two have together, rather than you trying to figure this all out on your own and then communicate it to her in one go. I think that might help this feel more like a mutual thing, which could help you feel less like you're being "demanding." I really like this tool for those conversations: Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist. If you wanted something that feels even more casual (I know that helps some people feel a little calmer about these conversations) the two of you could use this: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/rela ... een_zine_0

With those fears around looking or seeming "silly," I actually want to tie that to what you mentioned about feeling like she's really good at being a sexual partner. Obviously I can't read her mind, but I'm willing to bet that there have been things she enjoys or does that she worried (or maybe still worries) are silly at some point, because the messages we all get about what's "normal" sex are so dang narrow. But I think part of what you're picking up on as her being "good at sex" (something inherent) is actually her being comfortable communicating, which is something you can also learn how to do. Does that make sense?