Scarleteen

I think that I may be aromantic, and that terrifies me. I've read alot of articles and watched videos of aro people explaining how they figured out their sexuality and it makes me really upset because I relate to so many of them. I've never had a crush that's anything more than superficial, I've never gotten "butterflies in my stomach", and I've never been in any kind of relationship before. I feel guilty for thinking this way but I really really don't want to be aromantic because I'm scared that I'll be left behind. I feel like everyone around me is growing into a woman and I'm still just a dumb little kid. I'm scared that I'll never grow up and I'll stay like this forever and no one will ever like me.

Honestly, I feel bad about it, but it makes m feel really jealous and shitty that people my age and younger are going out and kissing and experiencing things I haven't yet - practically all my friends are currently in a relationship or have been in a relationship and I've never been in one. For fuck's sake my rice purity score is a 95. I don't know if there's something wrong with me, or if I'm a late bloomer, or if I really am aro, or if this is just a normal symptom of being 15 and I'm being overdramatic. It makes me upset because even though I'm bisexual, I can't talk to guys, I feel awkward and weird and I know no guy would ever like me romantically because I'm off-putting and (to be honest) kind of fat & ugly & boring. I have weird interests and I make weird jokes and I spend all my time in niche fandom spaces and I don't know how to be fucking normal around guys most of the time. I always fantasized about being with a guy but I've recently realized that most guys at my school are so far out of my league that I'm basically invisible to them. I find it easier to talk to girls but most girls I'm friends with are straight, and I have a crush on my straight friend and I do want to kiss her but she has a crush on a boy and it makes me feel like garbage knowing I never had a shot in the first place. And to make things even more confusing, I don't even know if it's a "real" crush or if it's just because I'm in close proximity to her. Do I really like her or am I just desperate? I don't even know anymore.

I also have a lot of sexual thoughts that I think about alot, maybe more than what's considered normal, and though I try to be sex-positive about this kind of stuff it does make me feel embarrassed and guilty whenever I think about sex when I know I shouldn't be or when I masturbate because I know everyone says that all teenagers are like this but it doesn't feel like it at all. I feel like such a loser because nobody ever talks about this kind of stuff irl and I feel like a sex-obsessed maniac even though I've never even held hands with someone before.

I'm pretty new to this site and I've never spilled my guts out like this before so I'm sorry if this doesn't make any sense.

Hi MissBeehive,

It sounds like there are a few different things going on here that are all crashing together to make you feel super stressed!

Let's start with those worries around romance and possibly being aromantic. While it's entirely possible for some folks to realize they're aromantic at a young age, there's an equally likely explanation which is that, when you're 15, your overall chance to experience romance is pretty dang low. You've only been at an age where dating was an option for a few years, and odds are pretty good that the only pool of partners you've been exposed to are people at your school or in your social circles. That can make finding someone you feel romantic interest in difficult, and it's also probably playing a role in you feeling like you'll never find someone who likes you that way.

Too, it sounds like you are experiencing romantic desire in the form of crushes. A "superficial" crush is still a crush, and it sounds like your crush on your friend is serious enough that you've been left feeling crummy when you realized it wasn't reciprocated. That doesn't sound all that superficial to me, you know?

In your post, I get the sense you're really down on yourself and your lack of experience when it comes to romance and dating. And I get it; I was in more or less the same position when I was 15 (I didn't start dating until I was 16). I was (am) weird and I felt like crud because everyone else seemed to be dating. With that in mind, I want to ask: what does growing up look like for you beyond dating? What goals or hopes do you have for adult you?

I also want to touch on those worries about being "sex-obsessed." Cliche as it is to say, being smack in the middle of puberty does tend to increase people's interest in sex or, at the very least, bring it onto their mental radar more. But, because we still live in a pretty sex-negative culture, there's a tendency to assume if you think about sex or experience sexual desire frequently, that's too much and there's some unspecified amount of thinking about it that's okay. In my experience, it helps to treat sexual thoughts as being like thoughts about any other topic; they tend to be more or less prevalent during certain parts of our lives, with a frequency that's influenced by what's going on for us internally and externally. Does that make sense?

I have no idea what growing up looks like outside of dating and sex. I don't know what I want to do with life. I'm scared that I'll never do anything. I'm not smart, and I'm lazy and I'm no good at anything I do and Im scared that I'll be this way forever. Whenever I try to picture myself as an adult I just can't. Even though I'm gonna be a legal adult in 3 years i have no idea how to be an adult. To be honest, I still feel like a middle schooler. I guess that when im an adult I'll be going to college and working a job and living by myself but i dont know how to feel about any of those things. I guess I should feel excited but i feel like it'll just be me going to college and working a job and living by myself. Does that make any sense? It'll just be me doing all those things and nothing will have changed and I'll still feel the same way I feel now: lonely and self-conscious excluded. I know its not logical but it I honestly think that the way im feeling now is the way I'll feel for the rest of my life. Like, theres something deeply and intrinsically wrong with me that everyone else can see but I cant, nd it'll be that way for the rest of my life. idk

Hi MissBeehive,

I want to emphasize what Sam said in her response to you--you're only 15 and you have your whole life ahead of you. I started the whole dating and sex thing quite young and honestly, it might not have been the right path for me. We really don't know what we want at 15 and I know that the situations I threw myself into at age 15 were not always the best for me. Even at age 20, I have friends who haven't really been in romantic relationships. They did experience some jealousy in their teenage years but also gained some understanding and knowledge from the situations that their friends went through.

With that, you have absolutely no reason to say that you're not smart, lazy, or not good at anything--you're barely into young adulthood. You probably haven't had a chance to accomplish anything super revolutionary and you still have so much time in your life to find the right person that'll make you feel amazing. Also, it's totally normal not to feel grown yet, our brains don't stop developing until we're 25-26 years old anyways. In that case, I'm probably in the same boat as you.

I don't want to assume, but I'm thinking that the reason why you can't imagine being in adult-like positions right now is that you really don't have to. Setting goals that far in advance is not always realistic. The high school years are overwhelming enough as it is so please try to give yourself credit for that! I know this kind of strayed away from your initial topic of romantic relationships, but I really wanted to cover everything you mentioned in your post as it seemed upsetting. Please let me know if any of this resonates with you.

Hi Nicole, I know it's been over two weeks since you initially responded to me but I just wanted to say thank you and that yes your words have resonated with me. I come back sometimes and I read what you've written to me and it does make me feel good that someone listened to me and understands. Thank you for that.

Hi! You're very welcome and I'm so happy to hear that I provided some sort of reassurance. I hope you're doing okay. We're always here for you when you need us!