Hi there awhiskandalamp, sorry to hear that you're struggling with things at the moment. I'm hoping that there will some things we explore together in the context of this post which might be able to help you a bit.
The first thing I'd like to raise is the concept that you can appreciate how people look without needing also to think that you need to look like that to be 'attractive' yourself. The idea that there is a 'best' version of everything, and we must aspire to be whatever we find attractive to be that ourselves is an idea that we can often fall into as it is pervasive in many cultural narratives, however this is not the case. It can take time to become comfortable with the idea, but a simple way to start looking at it is that you can say, appreciate people who are artists, people who are doctors, people who are teachers, but no one would say you have to be an artist/doctor/teacher all at once, or any of those things, to be admired or worthy. Does that make sense?
Another thing to consider is the idea of 'body neutrality', which is essentially to consider not to frame your body as an aesthetic object first, but instead as through the lens that you have a human body that lets you be you, and thinking about how it enables you to do things you like. This will vary from person to person, but can include movement that brings you joy, how you can think, or maybe draw? It is also something that can give you clues to how you're feeling, if you listen to it. Body neutrality also accepts that sometimes our bodies can do things we don't like (like be in pain, or don't do what we want), and that is part of being human. A way to engage with this concept is to think of the things you like doing (movement wise, creativity etc.) and try and do a bit of that/those things each day, and connect to your body for a moment in that, and acknowledge what it does to help you with that thing. Does that sound like something you could try? What are some things you like to do with your body?
Lastly, for this post, you mention the idea of self expression, wanting to express yourself through how you look. This is completely valid and important, and there are lots of ways to do that that are separate to changing the shape of your body, being creative, using clothing, makeup, jewellery etc. are ways that you can express and be creative with your presentation, including mixing and playing with concepts of gender expression. Is there something you'd like to explore in this space/get creative with? You don't need to have it all "figured out" either, personal style is something you can experiment and be playful with and can evolve with you and you can change up when you want. Does this sound like something that could be interesting and possible for you? It's something you can start small with too and still get satisfaction from. We'd be happy to chat and explore this with you, if you'd like
