Scarleteen

Hi all! Hope y’all are doing well

Thanks to EMDR, I’ve been slowly putting myself back out there dating-wise after a rough breakup that happened earlier this year. Problem is, I’m scared of being bad at sex given that 1. It’s been a long time (think several years) since I’ve slept with anyone and 2. I don’t have a ton of experience.

I know it’s irrational, but I guess some part of me thinks maybe I shouldn’t put myself out there and meet new potential partners since “If I’m bad at sex, they’ll leave me anyway”. Again, I know it’s not rational to feel that way, but I don’t want this fear to keep me from connecting with someone new, you know?

Not sure how to handle this, but any advice or insight is much appreciated. Thanks in advance!

Hi MusicNerd,

Good to see you again! I'm glad the EMDR has been helpful.

You already know those fears about being left if you're "bad" at sex are irrational, which is honestly a big step in dealing with them. When it comes to some other things to try, I think being proactive and communicative with potential partners can go a long way. That could include things like being up front with the fact that it's been a few years since you did this and actively talking about what you're each interested in (and not interested in) when it comes to sex.

I think our F Me zine could be a helpful tool for that. You and your partner could each fill it out and then talk about it (or make a date of it and fill them out together), or it could just be a helpful exercise for you to reconnect with what you want from sex (which can also make it easier to talk with partners about it down the line): https://www.scarleteen.com/article/rela ... een_zine_0

Hi Sam,

Thanks for responding! It’s always good to hear from you

I’ll def check out the zine and use it as a reference. I’m definitely nervous that this will be an instant turn-off for anyone I admit this to, but I also want to give anyone I’m interested in a chance to decide whether or not this is something they’re okay with.

I’m worried they might think there’s something “wrong with me”, but maybe that’s also my fear talking.

I think it's sound to recognize that being up front with this gives your potential partner a chance to make an informed decision. But it also means that you get valuable information about whether they're someone who might make you feel bad for not having been sexual in a little while.

You're right that it's most likely fear talking when you hear those worries about there being something "wrong with you." Honestly, in your late twenties I think most people understand that it's not weird to have spans of time where, for whatever reason, you weren't having sex or dating, so I think it's likely that most people you encounter won't be weird about this (and that plenty of them have had similar experiences).

I didn’t even consider that it would be information for me too, but that makes sense. I also didn’t think it was common for folks my age to have not had sex for a while, but that also makes sense too now that I think about it.

I feel like sometimes with dating I get “imposter syndrome”, you know? Like, basically I’ll think, “They might like me now, but as soon as they find out XYZ, they’ll definitely leave.” And don’t get me wrong, I think people are allowed to leave whenever they want for whatever reason, it’s just that that internal monologue makes me scared to open up to people. I do open up to people more now, but not without having a panic attack beforehand (fun times lol).

Hi MusicNerd,

I hear you that opening up to people can be pretty scary because being vulnerable is extremely challenging, especially if we don't have a lot of practice at it (I've definitely been there!). Sometimes when I have been in similar situations it has been really helpful for me to remember how everyone can have these thoughts or insecurities, including the person I am sitting across from. Also, it has been helpful for me to focus on finding some self-love for those insecurities that I might be afraid of someone knowing about. That can help to shift the narrative from attempting to please someone else to some self-confidence and self-worth that allows the interaction to be more about whether I like them, what we might have in common, etc.

Is the main thing that causes this dialogue in your head to happen about less experience that you might have compared to a potential partner? I know Sam has talked about this some with you in the responses above but it is a really common thing that people experience and so we have some more detailed advice columns diving into this topic if you wanted to see if there is anything in there that resonates with you:

• Advice: Should I tell potential partners that I am inexperienced?

• Advice: What makes someone good in bed?

Or, if you feel comfortable sharing, are there other things about yourself that tend to surface when that more negative self-talk happens?

Hi Michaela, thanks for responding!

Is the main thing that causes this dialogue in your head to happen about less experience that you might have compared to a potential partner? I know Sam has talked about this some with you in the responses above but it is a really common thing that people experience and so we have some more detailed advice columns diving into this topic if you wanted to see if there is anything in there that resonates with you

Thanks, I’ll definitely check out those articles you linked! And yeah, I think partly it’s due to my lack of experience, since I mainly have less sexual experience as well as more short-term dating experience instead of official, labeled, long-term relationships.

I know a lot of this dry spell/lack of experience has been due to me being in survival mode for so long, and needing to focus on other more pressing things over the years (like getting sober, getting proper mental health treatment, processing traumas, etc.); but I guess whoever I’m with would have to accept that, even though I’m in a much better place with all that stuff now, the things I listed above that got in the way of me having more sexual and relationship experiences is all a part of my past.

Honestly, I’m kinda proud of surviving all that and becoming the person I am today as a result of the things I went through.

Or, if you feel comfortable sharing, are there other things about yourself that tend to surface when that more negative self-talk happens?

I guess my worry is that, even with all the positive things that I know I bring to the table, it somehow won’t be good enough for a potential partner— or like the negatives might outweigh the positives in their eyes. Makes me feel kinda hopeless about my dating prospects when I think about it that way tbh… which isn’t a fun feeling, you know?

Also, sorry for rambling! I feel like I keep going on tangents, so thanks for taking the time to write responses.

I don't know if this is helpful, but something that I have found comforting, at least, is talking with partners or close friends who have those same sorts of fears, that if people saw the worst parts of them they'd be turned off and not interested. And of course my reaction to those people is to think "but that's nothing compared to all the wonderful things about you!" which eventually made me think "wait, what if those people think the same thing about you?"

And to touch on something you mentioned above it isn't unusual at all for people your age to have spans of time where they aren't having sex much, if at all! Some people have sex fairly regularly in their late 20s, some don't; neither is unusual or unlikely. I do think, too, that it's important to know that even if someone's had tons of sex recently, that doesn't mean they'll know exactly how to have sex with YOU, in particular: first time sex between any two people, no matter what their experience levels are overall, is going to require some communication and experimentation in terms of figuring out what works.
I think sometimes there's this idea that someone with a lot of sexual experience just Knows how to please a partner, but people are so different that even if their last dozen partners liked sex a certain way, it doesn't mean you will! And it doesn't mean you're wrong if you have a different preference, you know? Recent experience only gets you so far with a new partner.

Hi Mo,

So nice to hear from you!

Honestly, that’s a really good way to look at it. Like, if anyone I loved thought their insecurities outweighed their positive qualities, I’d be flabbergasted and totally disagree! So, that’s a good point honestly.

And I hadn’t considered that just because someone might have a lot/recent sexual experience doesn’t mean they know how to have sex with me. I guess we would be on a bit more of a level playing field than I realize.

Also, just had another EMDR session tonight and figured out that the internal monologue of “my best isn’t good enough” or “I can only be loved if I’m perfect” or something like that is from some childhood stuff that we were able to process.

It’s gonna take some time to really sink in, and for me to fully believe it, but I’m glad I can talk this stuff out here and in therapy.

Always good to see you here. <3

I want to add on a little bit more to talk about how everyone is new to sex with a new partner.

I think that over the years I have done this work, one of the biggest things I have seen keep people from having great sex that everyone enjoys is a partner -- or everyone involved -- thinking that they know how to "do" sexual things with any given partner because they have done them with someone before. That tends to result in people:

• Just doing things to a partner or each other without much or even any communication, including around consent, and certainly around pleasure -- like not asking what someone is or isn't liking beyond an activity itself. In other words: "Do you like oral sex?" rather than "HOW do you like this? How does this feel? How about that?" and so forth.

• Coming to sex in more of a performance or goal-oriented way than a pleasure centered way: to really get the latter, we have to at least start by knowing all of our bodies and minds and what we enjoy are different, not all the same, or the same for any one particular group of people.

• Getting resentful or weird when someone isn't into, doesn't like, or isn't getting off on something they are doing sexually, because they don't recognize that things feeling good for everyone means we have to tailor them for everyone, not base what we do on what a few -- or even more than a few -- people liked with us before.

• Inserting a hierarchal dynamic into sex where the person with "the most experience" has more power and agency than someone with less. We see this a loooooooooot with people in some of their first sexual interactions and relationships if they experience them with someone who has had at least a few. The "more experienced" person will tend to think it's right for them to drive, and the other person will think that they should of course let them because they "know what they're doing," even though they often don't because they have not been with that person sexually before.

Super flatly, my best advice is that if you ever feel these kinds of dynamic with someone you get involved with, and/or pick up on a sort of know-it-all attitude about being sexual with people? You might wanna just get gone. This just isn't generally someone who anyone is likely to have a particularly beneficial sexual experience with, IMHO.

Hi Heather,

Always good to hear from you!

Tbh I hadn’t considered any of those points, especially the idea that even experienced people are “new” in a sense if they’re having sex with someone new. That actually makes a lot of sense.

Super flatly, my best advice is that if you ever feel these kinds of dynamic with someone you get involved with, and/or pick up on a sort of know-it-all attitude about being sexual with people? You might wanna just get gone. This just isn't generally someone who anyone is likely to have a particularly beneficial sexual experience with, IMHO.

Yeah, I very much don’t wanna be with someone who thinks they know everything I want just because they have more experience… that actually sounds very not-fun at all. lol

Thank you for sharing all those points! Definitely gives me some food for thought.

Hi MusicNerd!
I don't really have much to add, just wanted to hop in and agree with everything Heather (and everyone else) has said so far. I've found that for myself the sweet spot of being comfortable in a sexual encounter/relationship + enjoying it at the fullest is when I'm a combination of confident [in that no matter how much experience I have compared to the other person, it doesn't matter, and confident in bringing up my checklist of boundaries, likes/dislikes, etc] and humbleness [not feeling like the experience I do have gives me any power because, again, it doesn't really matter since every new sexual partner is almost a blank slate]. If you can try to hit both of these, it'll give you a good attitude to go into it. I know it's easier said than done for us peeps with anxiety, but it's also okay to have this mentality but still have some anxiety/nerves around it! And regarding the "I can only be loved if I'm perfect" thoughts that are hard to undo since they stem from childhood, remember that 'perfect' is subjective and anyone who likes or loves you will have a different perception of you than the one you have of yourself. What you think makes you not-perfect will likely be something your partner will either not notice, not care about, or even find endearing. <3

Hi Sofi,

Thanks for responding! I really appreciate all that you wrote.

I've found that for myself the sweet spot of being comfortable in a sexual encounter/relationship + enjoying it at the fullest is when I'm a combination of confident [in that no matter how much experience I have compared to the other person, it doesn't matter, and confident in bringing up my checklist of boundaries, likes/dislikes, etc] and humbleness [not feeling like the experience I do have gives me any power because, again, it doesn't really matter since every new sexual partner is almost a blank slate]. If you can try to hit both of these, it'll give you a good attitude to go into it. I know it's easier said than done for us peeps with anxiety, but it's also okay to have this mentality but still have some anxiety/nerves around it!

This might be a silly question, but: how can one have sexual confidence if they don’t have much experience? I’m confident in other areas of my life, and I’d definitely like to be more confident sexually, but I’m not quite there yet.

And regarding the "I can only be loved if I'm perfect" thoughts that are hard to undo since they stem from childhood, remember that 'perfect' is subjective and anyone who likes or loves you will have a different perception of you than the one you have of yourself. What you think makes you not-perfect will likely be something your partner will either not notice, not care about, or even find endearing. <3

OMG, my EMDR therapist and I were talking about how “perfect” is subjective! So it’s funny you mention that, because I’m realizing that that’s so true. And remembering that people who like or love me will have a different view than the harder one I have on myself sometimes, is also a helpful reminder, so thank you for that too.

That's actually a really interesting question! I think it involves some of what we've been talking about in this thread, particularly around communication and shifting away from seeing sex as something very goal oriented. So, you could practice being confident (or do things that help you be more confident) in your ability to communicate with a partner, or your willingness to roll with the ways sex can be awkward or go in unexpected directions.

Too, it might help to think about what things help you feel confident--or that you're confident about--in non-sexual situations and how you could apply them to being with a partner. For instance, maybe you're really confident in your ability to help someone feel comfortable, or to be a good listener, or adjust to new information on the fly. Those are all big parts of creating a good sexual experience for you and a partner, you know?

That's actually a really interesting question! I think it involves some of what we've been talking about in this thread, particularly around communication and shifting away from seeing sex as something very goal oriented. So, you could practice being confident (or do things that help you be more confident) in your ability to communicate with a partner, or your willingness to roll with the ways sex can be awkward or go in unexpected directions.

I really like this idea of moving away from the mindset of it being “goal-oriented”. I definitely have worries of like, “Oh no, I’m gonna disappoint them! They’re gonna think I’m awful!” So, the idea of having a different mindset about going into sex (especially with someone new) is really refreshing to me.

Too, it might help to think about what things help you feel confident--or that you're confident about--in non-sexual situations and how you could apply them to being with a partner. For instance, maybe you're really confident in your ability to help someone feel comfortable, or to be a good listener, or adjust to new information on the fly. Those are all big parts of creating a good sexual experience for you and a partner, you know?

This reminds me of something my EMDR therapist told me a couple weeks ago! She told me how I was a good partner for the things I did to comfort my ex while they were dissociating, and I was like, “I mean, of course we would stop what we’re doing immediately, and I’d instead cuddle and reassure them that they have nothing to be sorry about… Like, why wouldn’t that be the thing to do?” And she reminded me that unfortunately not everybody does that in those kinds of situations, and how my ex had not experienced that level of care in the past given how much they were apologizing to me for dissociating.

I just took what I did for granted and didn’t think it was anything special until she pointed it out to me. So, maybe I should give myself more credit for things you mentioned like helping someone feel comfortable, being a good listener, etc.; because I can at least confidently say I’m good at things like that, even if I don’t have a lot of sexual experience. (I also laugh at myself quite a bit, so who knew that could be useful lol)