Scarleteen

To the staff, you can delete this if you think this is going to cause more problems for others.

I was sexually assaulted when I was 13. I was raped, but nowhere close to the extreme that you might see in hollywood movies. I knew who the guy was, my parents and my extended family knew who the guy was.
That next day my mom yelled at me, she didn't like the attitude I had that day.
My relationship with my mom was destroyed. I'm not even going to go see her for christmas. The big reason why I moved was to get away from her.
Never talked about it, never told anybody, never reported it, never anything.
This is the first time I've ever talked about it.
Posting this 2 days before Christmas is wrong in itself, Christmas is all about being happy and cheerful and being with family, it's not about remembering ugly things from our past. Maybe I'm always a bit depressed when the holidays show up.

Hey Rubie -- I want to first start by saying that this is a space for you. There's nothing wrong about posting this two days before Christmas, and it will not cause any problems for others here. Your thoughts and feelings are valid and in the right place. We're here to listen and support any way that we can.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It was so brave of you to post this, and I'm glad we feel like people you can talk to. It doesn't matter if our experiences match those most often portrayed in media (violent attacks, strangers in alleys, etc.), and it sounds like you understand that. I think it makes a lot of sense as to why this is coming up for you now with Christmas, a time a lot of people spend with family, rolling around. For a lot of people who have strained relationships with family (myself included), it's a time when we think about why we aren't able to comfortably do the things other people can do so easily. Was your relationship with your mom always difficult, or was this something that happened after the sexual assault?

With this being the first time you've talked about this period, there's a lot we can go into here. I'm going to start you off with a few resources that we pass to people who disclose this trauma with us: Dealing With Rape and Blinders Off: Getting a Good Look at Abuse and Assault. What would feel best for you right now? How can we support you?

I'm not sure why I even created this post. It's something I don't like thinking about. It changed a lot about me, some good some bad.
My relationship with my mom prior to what happened that night wasn't all that bad, but I put a lot of blame on her after that night because she wasn't there for me.
Holidays will always bring back the memories. It happened around Thanksgiving time, that doesn't help either.
The boy who did it to me was 16. It was something he wanted, it was nothing I wanted. He snuck into the bedroom that night and took advantage of me.
For some screwed up reason part of me was afraid of getting caught.
Part of the reason why I have had partners in my life is so that I can have some kind of control, I am sure that's a normal reaction.
The partner that I had a few weeks ago gave me no control, and that's what started bringing back all the memories, that and Christmas.
That night was nothing good for me. I have tried to move on. I was definitely violated, and yet I tell myself it wasn't all that bad, could have been worse.
That 16 year old is now 22, has himself a really cute girlfriend and a good life. I think that bugs me the most. Sometimes I just want to find that girl and tell her all about it.

Rubie, I just want to start by saying that all of the feelings you're having and the ways you have expressed them here are totally valid. I think a lot of us who are survivors can also relate to that thing where changes to us and our lives after assault can be a really mixed bag, and even the good changes can feel uncomfortable because of what they came from, you know?

I personally don't think "it could have been worse" is helpful when healing from assault. As someone who has assault history of the kind you're talking about, as well as what a lot of people mean when they think of "worse" I know very well that trauma is trauma, and what we're left with often can't be measured in that way. It might even be helpful for you to know that when it comes to the study of these things, sometimes the only thing that makes a real difference in how much trauma someone has is whether or not they felt their life was in danger at any point during an assault.

That things have happened to others that you file under "worse" doesn't really change anything for you or matter when it comes to the impacts of your assault (and things related to it, like how your mother behaved the day after you were assaulted).

I'm glad that you chose to talk about it here. One other piece of data I can share with you is that we do know from both a lot of study and from people just talking about their own healing process that often talking about it is the watershed thing/moment that really starting to heal hinges on. <3

There was trauma. I don't think I was mentally put back together until the spring of 2016, that's only because my mom put me on the swim team and got me thinking of other things. Physically I wasn't put back together for two years, and that was because I had the courage on having sex and getting my body back.
That night changed me. I know I try to make it like it's no big deal but I became different because of that night.
I don't blame myself, but I wish I said something prior to that night. I was with him for most of that day, he grabbed me a few times, but I laughed it off and acted like I enjoyed it. I knew it was wrong, saying something would have ended it.
No doubt he knew he was wrong. I have thought a million times about telling his girlfriend about this. I only know about them through facebook, I am no friend of either of them. She probably wouldn't believe me anyway.

Hi Rubie,

I think acknowledging that you were changed by what happened is a useful step in terms of healing. A lot of survivors face pressure to act like an assault was no big deal, and even well meaning people can set up this idea that "strong" survivors are the ones who don't let it get to them as much as it could. Which is, of course, nonsense; assault has consequences, including far reaching ones or life changing ones, and it isn't the job of a survivor to pretend that it doesn't.

I'd encourage you to, as much as you can, let go of the idea that by laughing off those grabs or not saying some particular thing, you missed you chance to stop it. Given how your mom reacted the next day, I'm not sure telling the other adults would have helped much. And ultimately, this guy made the choice to assault you and it wasn't (and shouldn't have been) on you, a kid, to try and see that coming and somehow stop it, you know?

I think you're right that telling his girlfriend, while possible cathartic, probably won't end well. A lot of people are still very unwilling to believe survivors, and if she responds that way it could leave you feeling pretty crappy. That being said, it could be useful when you think about contacting her, what are you hoping would happen? That someone else will know and believe you? That she'll dump him? Something else? That might clue you in on some of the other things that might help you heal.