I'm trans- should I even bother with having sex?

[monstertrux]

Okay so, I'm out as trans. My parents are really cool and helped me get on hormones and stuff, people I know are accepting. Which is awesome!
But the more everyone else starts dating and hooking up, I'm just... not even sure if I should bother? I'm not ace. I have crushes and I want to have sex, too. But I can't help feeling like my body's too broken for that.
I don't have a penis. So anything to do with that's out the window. I don't want to be penetrated vaginally, because just the thought makes me so dysphoric I feel nauseated. But I don't have a prostate, so what's the point of doing it that way? I could use a strap-on on someone else, but would that even feel good? It's just plastic ... I feel like I'd be missing the whole, you know, sex bit. I guess my clit (even saying it makes me feel dysphoric) could come into play, but... that's not *sex*, that's just touching. And if I get surgery someday, I might end up with no sensation down there at all. Awesome.
Should I just become celibate? I wouldn't be a very good priest, but... idk. Anyone else dealt with this? Anyone know how to cope? Or should I just resign myself to a life of celibacy or sex that does nothing for me at all? If anyone's got an in-between option, please let me know.

[Mo]

So, I do want to gently push back on the idea of something being "just touching" and not sex. Sex encompasses so many things; often times people consider intercourse to be "real" sex and everything else to be just foreplay or something else, but that really isn't sound. Plenty of people have full and rewarding sex lives that involve manual or oral sex or other kinds of sex that aren't intercourse. If you want a look at the sort of things we're talking about here when we talk about sex, this article might be helpful: What's Sex?

Now, I will say that having some level of genital dysphoria and other gender dysphoria can make this all a lot harder to navigate; I don't want to minimize the stress or confusion you're feeling around all this. It might take a while for you to figure out what might feel pleasurable during sex (not just physically but mentally and gender-affirming), but I do think it's very likely that you can figure it out!

Sometimes that's easier to figure out through masturbation and sexual fantasy, and sometimes having an affirming partner who's eager to experiment with you can be a big help. And while yes, dating while trans can be difficult and there's a lot of transphobia out there, there are also plenty of cis people who are excellent partners to trans folks and many trans people who prefer dating within the community because they find it's easier to find partners who aren't coming in with a lot of gendered expectations and who are more open to experimentation and adjustment to make a partner more comfortable.

It's hard to say for sure how any particular sex act might feel for you; it's going to be really personal and there's no universal way that any trans person feels about a particular type of sex. I know a lot of people who find using a strap-on super affirming and get a lot of sensation out of it (and there are certainly toys and harnesses designed to maximize sensation!), but I also know folks who find that using one actually increases genital dysphoria. I will say too, from personal experience, that knowing a partner understands and affirms my gender means I will find things pleasurable that I wouldn't enjoy at all if a partner clearly didn't understand or respect my gender. So you may find that some things are very context-dependent in terms of whether you enjoy them or not.

I know that's a lot of maybes and not many concrete answers, but I do think if you're interested in sex and relationships, being trans doesn't mean you can't experience and enjoy those things. I can't say exactly what will work for you, but I think it's pretty likely that something will.