Sexuality stolen from me

[Whispermae]

So before anyone reads, I'd like to say I don't mean to offend anyone who likes the stuff I've mentioned (dirty talk, smacking). To each their own, and I respect your choice. I don't mean to be rude to anyone, but I'm strictly writing about my feelings, and others have every right to disagree.

Okay, so I'm just going to get this out there. You hear people saying "be empowered in your sexuality" and "liberate yourself from negativity" but I feel like it's utter, utter complete shit.
First off, I was a late developer. I had no clue where and what my anatomy entailed until I was eighteen. Second, because my first sexual experience was non consensual, any feelings of pleasure make me think I'm "bad". And then I get really, really mad at myself for thinking in that way cause why can't I just enjoy it like a normal person? Fantasy? Forget it. I try, but I'm trying so hard that I can't come up with an inkling of a fantasy. I tried watching porn the other day and j found myself irritated and not in the least bit turned on. Videos of this girl attacking her private parts with both hands is considered sexy? And what the hell are those artificial noises - that high pitched groaning and panting sounds more like someone on the toilet rather than having an orgasm. And the words they use - yes, I get 'dirty talk' is consensual, but it makes me frightened. As for men slapping women's bums and genitals, I want to scream at him to stop. And then scream at her. Why are you letting him do this to you? What's wrong with you? Why aren't you stopping it? And I realise I'm not really talking to the girl onscreen - I'm talking to myself. I'm yelling at myself. Why did you smile? Why did you let him? Why did you trust him? Why did you think it was okay? What is wrong with you??
In other words, I'm really angry. Really really mad. At myself. Even though I know it's not my fault.
How can I be empowered when I believe empowerment is letting my abusers win? How can I be liberated when my choice was taken?

[Heather]

Hey there, Whispermae. Thanks for trusting us enough to share all of what you had here, both facts and feelings. This is big, hard stuff, and I'm glad you feel able to talk about it with us.

So, I'm a survivor, too. (My earliest assault also sounds a lot like what happened to you, based on your other posts.) I don't really personally consider the sexual assaults that predated my chosen sexual exploration to have been sex I had, or any part of my sexuality, because to me, all of that has to be consensual, and everything else is just violence/abuse, not sex. But I hear you and I totally get what you're saying. Having what the world tells us sex is be something that starts without agency and with any kind of violence can really, really do a number on us.

You're right: this was NOT your fault. And you are also right in having a lot of anger around this: you have every right to be angry about having been assaulted or otherwise abused. I'm always glad when people are, tbh, because a lot of survivors have a hard time even feeling like that's something they are allowed. I'm so sorry that this happened to you, and I'm so sorry for the giant impact it's had and still has.

But I don't personally think any of this has anything to do with sexual empowerment. For one, I don't believe sexual assault IS sex for the person victimized in it. It often isn't even exactly sexual for the perpetrator, for that matter, but it really isn't for the person they have victimized. They have not experienced sex. They have experienced assault. Can you follow me there with that way of thinking about this?

To me, sexual liberation or empowerment is primarily about someone having and feeling full autonomy when it comes to their sexuality, regardless of how they express it (including if and when they haven't at all, either by choice or because they just aren't there yet). To me, there is nothing more automatically liberated about someone saying yes to something than there is someone saying not now, yes, but only this way, or no. Again, to me, this is about agency.

Now, by that token, it could very easily be said that maybe no one on earth, especially oppressed people or groups, could be wholly sexually liberated or empowered, and maybe only can be to a point. I'd agree with that, including because of some things you observed right in the post you made, like that so much of how sex is presented engages and even profits from rape culture, sexism and misogyny, and some other big-time bad things; like that porn presents a sexuality that isn't often healthy, makes it look like it isn't even consensual, and that also is very specifically scripted.

You're also right that some of this *is* some people's authentically expressed sexuality. But what you're talking about here is your own experience of seeing things created for sexual media. You having the feelings you do about that for yourself doesn't impact someone else who has radically different feelings. You get to feel how you do, and some of honoring and validating those feeling as right for you IS sexual empowerment, IMO.

That was a lot from the top, so I'm going to give you a turn here: how do you feel about any of that? And what are you looking for right now? Are people telling you that you need to be seeking sexual empowerment right now? Is that something *you* have on your own radar, or is this mostly in reaction to what other people want or give you the idea you should?

Too: do you want to try and find any ongoing help and support to help you learn to process and manage the trauma assault/abuse leaves with us? Just because it was sexual assault also doesn't mean that trauma around it was about or only about our sexualities. In other words, you can seek out help for that without it having anything to do with trying to change how you feel sexually or about sexuality. I saw that in your last posts, there was some conversation about this, but I wanted to be sure to touch base about it here. You have been through so much, it's amazing how together you have it, truly. But that is also SO MUCH to carry around alone, and to try and work through alone, without some good, dedicated support. We're happy to offer what of that we can, but it's obviously not the same as more private and specialized care.

[Whispermae]

Hi Heather,
I never thought saying no could also be a form of sexual empowerment. (Maybe because the term has always been associated with whips and chains, which I have no interest in?)
Thank you so much for your incredibly thoughtful answer

[Heather]

Absolutely! No, yes, maybe but only this way — anything and everything we might say to claim what we want and don’t and to only engage in sex we really want the way we really want it? This is all sexual liberation and empowerment.

I’m available if you want to talk through any more of this, any time.