Scarleteen

Hi everyone,

first of all thank you for this platform.
I recently got into a relationship with my boyfriend after months of being in a talking / getting to know each other stage.
Early on in our relationship he revealed to me that he lied about his sexual past, and that he used to hook up with a friend who he still spends time with.
I feel insecure and worried, I was hurt when he confessed and couldn’t sleep that night, he was with me when he told me and I felt distant and also kind of disgusted. I think I definitely have an issue with him lying about it and hiding the fact that he had sex with his friend. While we were getting to know each other and meeting up, he’d spent time with that friend.
He is my first sex partner and I kind of internally bonded with the fake fact that he also didn’t have that much of experience with sex, which was a lie.
I’m trying to deal with my emotions, since I really like my boyfriend and I don’t see it as cheating or such but it still hurts.
There were several times were he could’ve told me when we were getting closer, as he was still hanging out with that friend. But he said I’m not entitled to know everything about his sexual past.
He’s not a long time friend of his, in fact he met him around the same time/ bit earlier before we started talking. He also reassured me that once it got a bit more serious between us he told his friend about it, which is true because I remember that. However back then I did not know they hooked up.
Their thing is movie nights, they do them biweekly once a day for hours and in bed. They also lean on each other and get physically close. Now this hasn’t happened between them since we started our relationship and I don’t know how far I can go, ask or demand him to not do that anymore.
He also reassured me that he has no feelings for him and that our physical touch and affection is different. That felt genuine and I believe that.

I admit that I also believe there is more than that, that he is not telling me something, and that there possible could have been something between them while we were in our more serious getting to know each other spending time with stage. I still want to believe my boyfriend and we talked about it for an entire day he also admitted he understands my POV and would feel the same if the roles were reversed, which helped me cope.
I’m also scared that he might catch feelings for that friend, he said he didn’t have any for them in the beginning so why develop any now - but that’s what really happened to us too, he didn’t have feelings for me at the start but developed them later.
He suggested I meet his friend and see how they act together, I agreed I think I want that.

Here’s a timeline:
Month 1: meets his friend
Month 2: meets me
Month 3: gets closer to me, his friend on vacation, tells his friend he met me gets serious with me
Month 4: gets more serious with me, kind of exclusive thing going on
Month 5: relationship

They way I understood it, he had sex with his friend in Month2 , possibly in Month1 too
My worry: was there anything between them in Month 3?
I’ve asked for details without seeming too annoying but he wouldn’t really get much into them which gives me the insecure feeling that yes there might’ve been something in Month3.

I don’t know why I’m taking this so personal and what does matter is the love and affection we have for each other now, and in our future. But I just still want to talk about it. Especially since they’re still friends and possibly plan on hanging out together again.

He also told me that it just kind of felt right at that moment between them and there was nothing more than that, and that that friend is all over some different guy right now. Well we’re boys and his friend would’ve needed to douche at his apartment, so how did that just happen at that moment without really preparing for it? Spending time together but not preparing for sex or having sex in mind? Those questions are bothering my mind right now even though I also know that they had sex before it got serious between me and him. I just wonder, is it true that once a hot flame - always a hot flame? Something could sparkle between them and rekindle that flame they had? My boyfriend says he is loyal to me and he loves me and would talk to me if anything changed. Which I believe and am grateful for, I just don’t want anything to change I don’t want him to stop loving me. And I’m scared that that might happen if he spends time with his friend. Especially those movie nights time they used to have.

I’m very thankful for any advice, even for just letting me type this out. Thank you.

Hey there, xddeye. Welcome to the boards, and I'm glad that you found us and feel able to ask for help and support with this here.

Your boyfriend is right, you aren't entitled to knowing all of his sexual history, but I also think you're right in that this particular thing is a) less historical than it is current, and b) something it's fair for you to have wanted to know about, since he is still in relationship with this person, even if it isn't sexual anymore. I also understand why you're now having a really hard time with trust around this. I do think your boyfriend will need to work on rebuilding trust with you, but it does sound to me like he's doing and offering some things in service of that.

I agree that you should go ahead and meet his friend. If it helps to know, I have been the friend/ex that someone's current has met to basically check out my vibe and my current relationship with someone I used to be with sexually, and doing that has never felt like an imposition to me. In the culture so many people come up in, the idea that people can be sexual and then be something else tends to be met with a lot of disbelief and distrust, regardless of how often the reality is that this is the case. All the more so, I'd say, in queer communities where the whole pool is so small that the reality of having friends who were also once lovers is just pretty common.

You ask what you can "demand" from him around this. I'm going to suggest you reframe how you think about that, because ultimately, it's not okay to "demand" that anyone we are with not be with someone else in any respect. However, what we absolutely can do is all have and set our own limits and boundaries, as well as our dealbreakers, and then other people get to decide if those are things they want to and can work with or not. Being in relationship with you is a choice your boyfriend gets to make, and that includes if he is or isn't willing to abide by whatever boundaries or limits you have in order to be in relationship with him as a boyfriend. Does that make sense?

I also think you absolutely are entitled to know who a lover has been with in the time they have also been with you. That's important health information, but it's also information you need to decide if this kind of relationship with this person is okay for you. (To me, knowing about current or recent partners is important information when it comes to assuring full consent.) We can talk about how to ask for some of this information or set limits around it in healthy ways if you like.

I do hear you kind of suggesting that there's something wrong with you for feeling the way you feel and having the concerns you do. I hope you can let go of that and just acknowledge and honor your concerns and feelings. Looking at even just this one post, I can certainly understand why you are feeling this way, and it sounds like your boyfriend himself has made clear that he can, too, no?

Thank you for your advice and guidance Heather!

I’ve talked to him again and have come to the conclusion that I accept his past and dont judge him for it and all that matters is what we both feel for each other now and how we shape our future days together.
The point you mentioned with the small pool is right, it’s something I always thought of and was uncomfortable with but am learning to accept. It’s a concept I’m not familiar with.

I took your words to heart and have let go of the feeling that there is something wrong with me, after all I am humans and have emotions and feelings for him.

I think I’d like to talk to him again about boundaries but in the sense of generalising it and not use his relationship with his friend as an example.
I told him I have trust in him and believe he’ll know what is right and what is wrong to do when he meets up with his friend. I told him I know that he respects me as his boyfriend and that he wouldn’t hurt me.

And now that I think about it again I wish I would’ve also said something along the lines: I feel uncomfortable with you or him showing physical affection towards each other in your bed. I am here for you and if you need me or crave attention or affection, I’ll be there on the spot. I also wish to tell him that I do too want to have movies nights with him, I wish he’d do those with me too.

Thankful for any tips on how to healthly set limits or ask for what seems to be uncomfortable information.
I also like the aspect you mentioned about him willing to accept my boundaries and limits, as those are important for a healthy and loving relationship.
Thank you again Heather!!

I'm so glad to have been of help!

And now that I think about it again I wish I would’ve also said something along the lines: I feel uncomfortable with you or him showing physical affection towards each other in your bed. I am here for you and if you need me or crave attention or affection, I’ll be there on the spot. I also wish to tell him that I do too want to have movies nights with him, I wish he’d do those with me too.

The good news is that setting. adjusting or resetting limits and boundaries, asking for things we want, isn't something we only get one chance to do in ongoing relationships. You by all means can circle back and start a new conversation asking for these things.

In terms of what you asked at the end here, I think you can say that something feels uncomfortable for you, or might for your partner, but you want to ask about that thing, and if it feels uncomfortable, you can talk about why and hopefully work through that. Intimacy, as we grow it with someone, can often feel uncomfortable, especially when things are new to us. It's okay to feel uncomfortable or to say something that makes someone else feel uncomfortable. The trick is to just take care of ourselves and each other in our discomfort. Does that make sense?