A question for Nicole and anybody else who wants to chime in.

[Rubie]

Nicole, how did you deal with the other partners who had more experience than you? Were you comfortable with them? Did you want to stay or did you want to go? How old were they ? Any regrets when it was done? Did you go back?

On my other post I do mention that I'm not going to see him anymore. I'm okay being around him, but I want to back off and restart.

Part of me wants to find another partner and move on, but right now I feel a little bit afraid of doing that. This new partner is not going to be a co-worker.

[Nicole]

Hi Rubie,

Thanks for reaching out to us again! In my experience, I was 19 and he was 26. One of the main things that mostly threw me off was the way he constantly kept bringing up my age whenever we would talk or do anything sexual. Did this happen at all in your situation? This was also my second year of college—meaning my first “in-person” year of college post the initial wave of COVID-19 (I graduated high school in 2020 and spent my first year of college over Zoom). I had a number of sexual partners before this guy but he was quite forceful and had a weird idea of what consent was. It was kind of an “old school” way of thinking about consent, if that makes any sense. He really wasn’t THAT much older than me, but he was also from another country (he was an international student) so cultural factors could have played a role. Also, he compared me and my experience to previous sexual partners he had and that made me feel extremely juvenile and uncomfortable. Did any of this happen in your case?

Overall, it was not a pleasant experience and I did not go back. Luckily, I met my current partner like a month after that so I completely forgot about this guy. I don’t want to recommend moving on quickly like I did, since it might not always be healthy, but that’s how things turned out for me. With that being said, I don’t really regret anything. I did take the time to remove this guy on social media just incase if he tries to message me again, just to get everything off my mind. I saw in your last post that you’re trying to get your schedule changed and move to a different department. I think that it might be the right move if you feel like it’ll make you feel more comfortable.

[Rubie]

This guy was into BDSM and fantasy. He compared me to others, and sometimes he said that others did it and I should too, it was neverending with him. Consent for him was when I was feeling pleasure, and that might be an "old school" method as well.

Not a pleasant experience, I'm not going back, and I'm trying to remove myself from him by moving to a different part of the store.

You and I have the same kind of story. You sure it's not the same guy? Lol!

I'm still not sure what to think about all of this.

Thanks for being open about it.

[Carly]

Hey again Rubie -- I'm wondering if it might be helpful to take a look at our Sexual Inventory Checklist. It might be good to, after this experience, revisit your boundaries and what you're willing or not willing to try. Just a thought!

[Rubie]

I did look at the inventory checklist a day prior to my last sexual encounter. The checklist gave me some good thoughts about what I thought I would like to try, and it worked.

[Heather]

Hey, Rubie. If it's helpful, I'm happy to talk about this from the opposite angle. Growing up (and through a lot of my life), I usually had had substantially more sexual experience or partners than many of my partners. I do think a lot of people make some inaccurate assumptions about folks who have had more sexual experiences than they have, and that those assumptions often don't benefit anyone.

[Rubie]

Hey, Heather. I would love to hear your take on the opposite angle. What is it that you enjoy about so many partners? How do you pick your partners? Do you go for the one night stands or the relationships? And if you don't want to answer any of that then I understand.
I've had my share of partners, all of them but two we're friends and I'm still friends with most of them. Being a so-called adult has quickly made me realize that I don't know much, found myself going over my head pretty quick.
Would love to hear your story.

[Heather]

You know, I don't really think of my sexual history as "so many partners," because the number of partners I have had feels right for me, not like "so many" or "not enough," you know?

For sure, I think that I have a wider scope of people I can be attracted to than a lot of other people do, for one. I also haven't only been sexual with people who I have been in romantic relationships with, and having that in the mix is by no means something I need, or even always want.

I'm 52, so having lived this long and having had more partners than the average person, the context of my sexual interactions has run the gamut: one-night stands (though mine have often become some kind of ongoing relationship after), in long-term romantic relationships, sexual relationships or friendships. And sometimes, I'll be with someone a few times spread out across decades.

How do I decide to be sexual with someone? That also really runs the gamut, but by and large, I need to like them as people, I need to feel a mutual spark, and the timing and context has to feel right and be within my ethics. "Does it feel really right?" tends to be what I have usually led with.

[Rubie]

Thanks for all of that
I'm going to go with that "does it feel right" approach from now and quit looking at the number. I love how you explained all that in detail, that makes life for me a lot easier.

There is a guy at the gym that I really would love to be with, it's the number thing that keeps me from wanting to do it, but I'm going to say hi next time i see him. I know he's interested in me.

[Heather]

Glad it felt of benefit to you.

There really is no right or wrong "number," I promise, and I also think we need to ask ourselves about a framework that even reduces people and our intimate experiences with them to a number, you know? This is the stuff of our hearts and minds and bodies and human connection: someone we had that with (and vice-versa!) is so, so much more than being #12.

That said, I think if and when it starts to *feel* more like numbers than mutually beneficial and valuable experiences it can be a good cue to take a step back and evaluate our choices. I don't say that meaning is every person we are with the great love of our lives so much as is our sexual life and the choices we are making such that we're able to see and treat each other as whole people, and have our experiences have some real richness to them. Sex of any kind just comes with so many different kinds of risk that if our experiences feel empty to us or partners, I think it makes sense to press pause and figure out how we can change that. Know what I mean by all that?