Scarleteen

Hi, I’m a 20 year old woman and I’ve been masturbating for the past two years. At first, I was a bit crazy over it, I’ll admit it. Multiple times a day, couldn’t get enough. And then it trickled down to once a day. But then orgasming took too long (I’m talking at least three hours) and… I wasn’t feeling all that much.

I eventually got it under control and down to about 2-3 times a week. Still took at least an hour but usually not too long and it kinda felt good. I don’t know that I was really quite as sensitive as I used to be though.

But recently, it’s been like… subtle horniness under the surface for the better part of the day. Feels like it’s hard to focus on hobbies or activities. It doesn’t really interfere with anything necessary like school (though my time management otherwise isn’t great), but instead unnecessary stuff I like (watching shows or playing video games or drawing, etc).

But when I get even a little horny, it’s like “ooh an orgasm sounds really good right now!” and so I go for it. But I’m not sensitive and so it’s mostly just touching and waiting for orgasm (which isn’t even as satisfying as it used to be) for at least an hour but almost always more (like 2 hours). Plus I don’t get wet a lot… not to mention I do kinda get in my own head (especially lately) and I’m very prone to intrusive thoughts and distraction.

I also feel like I have to turn to porn (simple stuff, like just normal sex acts, maybe light kink. I don’t like hardcore stuff) to get over the hump, which I’d really rather not do (sometimes is fine, I suppose, but I much preferred when I never used it). Or makeshift “toys” like a facial massager (but the vibrations aren’t strong enough like 99% of the time anyway) or an electric toothbrush (through underwear) but that’s not always foolproof and I still usually have to watch something to reach the end. And I feel like watching porn so often affects my thinking? Like I don’t wanna think about sex too often…

I feel like my fantasies have gotten so much weaker? I wish they were enough on their own and I worry about porn addiction which feels humiliating to even think about. And I’m just really not sensitive… I wanna enjoy all the parts of touching AND enjoy orgasm more, like I used to rather than just wanting multiple orgasms and having to wait so long in between without much of anything. I just feel like I’ve ruined something for myself…

I feel like I need to take more breaks and lay off the porn, but I still feel horny and it’s obnoxious. Like if I could turn off feeling any horniness at will, I SO would because having horny thoughts when trying to do/enjoy non-horny things is annoying and also feels uncomfortable/inappropriate sometimes.

I remember my routine a few months ago of orgasming one day and thinking “yep, that should get me through till the end of the week before I want one again. Time to enjoy other things.” Now? I can’t go a day without being at least a little horny. I hate it! It’s like a repeating cycle of being horny because nothing satisfies it for long and whatever does takes forever.

I just want to feel like I have this more under control rather than having it drag me along. I guess I might just have to ignore being horny overall but it is NOT easy, and abstaining from masturbating for long enough gets me frustrated.

Any help would be appreciated. Thanks.

Hey candikelp -- welcome to the boards! It sounds like there's a lot you're trying to sort out about masturbation in general. Happy to help! If there's something I missed that you want to talk about, just let us know in your reply.

For what it's worth, I don't think your relationship with masturbation is abnormal in any way. It's very normal to feel even a little bit horny and want to masturbate, and even masturbate multiple times a week. Sometimes every day. You said that masturbating doesn't interfere with anything vital, which is what we consider the threshold for addiction or an emerging problem for the most part. You do seem concerned about it getting in the way of fun activities or hobbies, to which I'd like to ask you -- what makes spending time masturbating and spending time watching a show you like or drawing different? Are they not all activities that feel good, even if it's in different ways?

I'm also not very concerned with your habits around porn. Even if you were more interesting in porn that included more kink or were more "hardcore," as long as it's not interfering with your life it's pretty normal to watch with some regularity. One thing I always pass on to users who mention being concerned about porn is our resource Making Sense of Sexual Media. You mentioned you were concerned that porn is affecting your thinking, I have a feeling that this resource might put that at ease. How are you noticing porn making your thoughts different?

And finally, to address your concerns about your sensitivity! What you're describing is actually a really common problem users write in with. Something I want you to remember is that, though we often think of masturbating as physical act of feeling physical sensations, the brain is the most influential sex organ. It sounds like you're experiencing some difficulty fully engaging in what you're doing - intrusive thoughts, distraction, maybe some concern about how long its taking. How it's been feeling different in a bunch of ways could also weigh in. In general, "getting in your head" plays a huge part in this. Worry or anxiety can definitely impact orgasm, the amount or duration of stimulation needed, etc. If you're feeling like you're "waiting to orgasm," does that feel like it's adding some pressure to get there quickly?

Also! Sometimes your body gets used to the sensation of masturbation done a certain way. I'm wondering if this might also be a matter of adding some variety. Here's a resource that describes the ways people commonly masturbate. Maybe there's something new in here? Anything jump out?

Hope this helps! <3

I'm glad to hear it doesn't seem abnormal. I figured the masturbating often wasn't that weird since I'd heard of people doing it before and I know it's really not supposed to lower sensitivity, but it honestly felt like that to me. I still think multiple times a day is probably too much for me (I've always hit what kinda felt like a refractory period I guess when I do that), but I at least have a bit of a better perspective now.

You're probably right about it being an anxiety thing since I actually think more than I used to when masturbating. The feeling used to take up more of my attention before (I think because it was newer and more exciting) whereas now it really doesn't seem strong or interesting enough to hold it, so my thoughts drift. I also have issues with drifting thoughts, anxiety, and an "overactive" brain in general so there's that as well.

what makes spending time masturbating and spending time watching a show you like or drawing different? Are they not all activities that feel good, even if it's in different ways?

Motivation, I guess? I don't feel motivated to do the things I liked as much. They just aren't satisfying or as appealing as they used to be, which is probably a mental health thing primarily (so that would happen regardless)... but it has gotten worse lately with the increased masturbating. I know that before, I could go days without masturbating and I would do other stuff just fine even if I struggled to enjoy them. And then I would start up after those few days when I kinda felt like it (though I admit that happened along a little bit of a routine/schedule too).

I do worry about feeling like I have to appease arousal rather than doing anything else (and because it takes long, I often can't fit masturbating and then another thing in my schedule) or choosing to masturbate because it just takes less emotional effort and focus. So while those other activities are maybe kinda good sometimes, the end result of masturbating kinda feels more satisfying (even if it's only for a little bit). It also happens a lot that I will masturbate, thinking "after this, I'll do this other thing I wanna do," and then I finish and I no longer feel like doing the thing (I might feel like the orgasm wasn't satisfying and I need another so I choose that again and ignore the other thing, or I just sit there instead).

I just keep thinking that maybe I should be ignoring it a bit more to learn to not feel so controlled by it and feeling like I have to indulge it at the first sign of arousal. I'm also a little concerned I do it even when I'm not even "adequately" aroused since I have a hard time ignoring it when I can actually do something about it. Like I might be in a situation where I'm stuck choosing between feeling inclined to masturbate or do something else I kind of like, and it's as though masturbating wins out by default just because the option is there and it's just easier to get myself to do it. But I also worry that my arousal just doesn't get that strong in general so if I went off that alone and never masturbated, I fear I'd just be frustrated...

One thing I always pass on to users who mention being concerned about porn is our resource Making Sense of Sexual Media. You mentioned you were concerned that porn is affecting your thinking, I have a feeling that this resource might put that at ease. How are you noticing porn making your thoughts different?

As far as I can tell, it makes my intrusive thoughts pop up more which can be annoying at best and upsetting at worst. It seems like it might make me think of stuff in a more "sexual" light even when I don't want to or when it's inappropriate. If I'm being completely honest here, I did encounter a situation with another young family member when I was really young and I've never brought it up or talked to anyone about it since I wasn't harmed and nothing really bad actually happened thankfully, though the memory still feels kind of "bad" so to speak, and I've had thoughts about how it could've gotten worse. I don't really think I'd be able to have trauma over it since nothing horrible happened to me and I don't think what did happen would be bad enough for trauma to develop, but my intrusive thoughts often feature stuff similar to it and it makes me feel bad or guilty, so if the extra usage of porn is what's causing it to happen more, I obviously want that to stop.

I've also thought it might not be the porn making my intrusive thoughts worse, but it's the only connection I can draw at the moment since I've watched it every time lately as a result of needing it to orgasm (because I'm just not aroused enough with touch and fantasies alone).

I did appreciate the article though. I'm still not sure whether or not to cut back... I kinda feel like maybe I should "just to be safe" even though it's not necessarily something I want - it feels more like something I should be doing for my own health, but I don't know. I'll work it out I guess.

If you're feeling like you're "waiting to orgasm," does that feel like it's adding some pressure to get there quickly?

Yeah, I'm certain it does (especially in situations where I don't have a bunch of time to be wasting or like I said early, I want to do something else), but the issue I face is that I don't know how to alleviate that pressure or prevent it entirely. Because I just don't feel sensitive very much, it takes me longer and I think "this was good at first, but now I just want it to be over," but then I still keep going because it seems too frustrating to go without some kind of release. I've been trying not to worry about orgasm as much lately, rather just doing light touching and nothing more sometimes because I've been thinking it's kinda not worth it to struggle for a long while just for an orgasm. But it can still be frustrating since it doesn't feel like much, and if I do anything further, I feel compelled to finish it all the way through.

Here's a resource that describes the ways people commonly masturbate. Maybe there's something new in here? Anything jump out?

I've actually tried the majority of physical things listed there aside from the washing machine one (which isn't an option nor something I'm interested in anyway). I could probably utilize some more, but things like rocking into a pillow makes my hips get tired pretty quickly. Inserting a finger can actually make it harder for me to orgasm (I think due to tenseness in my muscles as a reaction to putting something up inside maybe) and it only does anything when I'm already really close to the edge. I've tried vibrator-like things (like using an electric toothbrush through my underwear or a showerhead in the shower) but I still have the same issues because I just don't get a ton of sensitivity even with them even if it's more than with my fingers. And I switch up laying positions all the time because lying on my stomach seems to make it a little bit easier but it's less comfortable than on my back.

I guess I could try doing other things during it to alleviate the frustration since the article you linked reads that women "will also do any variety of things while masturbating: some might watch movies, videos or television, some listen to music or read a book, some talk to a partner on the phone, some look in a mirror, some even eat while doing it." I just worry that it could distract me from actually focusing on what I'm feeling, though maybe it could help take my mind off of any intrusive thoughts.

Anyway I really appreciate the response. I realize a lot of my issues are most likely just mental and that's not really something other people can help with for the most part (aside from maybe a therapist I guess but that's not an option for me at the moment). That's probably just gonna be on me to try to fix, but the resources you gave and questions you asked have helped me think.

I'll try to keep some of the things I read in mind and maybe they will help me out. Thank you!

Hi candikelp,

It seems like you've come to a lot of conclusions in your post and I'm glad Carly's response helped with that. If you need any further assistance, please let us know!

You mentioned how much of this could be a mental health thing, so with that, are you currently in therapy or thinking about starting therapy? There is absolutely no pressure to do so, but I'm just curious as this info could help us move forward!

are you currently in therapy or thinking about starting therapy?

Unfortunately, I have a lot of reasons that make it so therapy isn’t an option right now. I’d like to look into it in the future and make at least some sort of effort towards it, but it’s not something I can do at the moment.

Thank you for all the help so far though. If I feel the need to ask for any sort of other help, I’ll definitely do so

Hi again! I completely understand. If you need any help with that as well then please let us know!