Scarleteen

I apologise if this is the wrong message board, but I really need advice and I don't know who to turn to.

My partner of 5 years (we are long-distance at the moment) is non-binary (they/them) and they have had some really really bad voice dysphoria since Friday, to the point that they're completely shutting off and not really talking to me very much - they do shut off occasionally for other reasons, but never for anywhere near this long for one specific thing. On Friday they watched one of their twitch streams back and they were so repulsed by their voice seeming too fem, making connections that that was the reason they were misgendered constantly (even by friends) and going to voice test websites to verify. Ever since then they've been completely shut off - they're not talking much to me in text (terse when they do), and they are refusing to talk out loud for any reason. I've tried to offer support and love but they are just not accepting any of it, saying there's absolutely nothing I can do - and I just can't think of anything to say anymore. I'm lost and worried and I don't know what to do, they've never shut off continuously for this long and they've never said anything about dysphoria with their voice before now, and we've voice/video called hundreds of times in the last 5 years. Every time either of us try and talk about something different, it comes straight back and they shut off again. I really don't know what to do, I'm at a loss and I feel like I should be doing something or at least be doing better - but I can't help but feel confused, worried and upset with intrusive thoughts like "will I ever hear their voice again?" and I feel guilty for feeling like that because it's not about me.

I just need some help on the best thing(s) to do.

Hi tshlacog,

This sounds like such a rough situation, both for your partner and for you. They're clearly in a bad dysphoria spike, and it can be so heartbreaking to watch someone you care about be in the midst of that and feel like there's nothing you can do to help.

I wonder, do you think it would to frame your offers of support and help as being less about the dysphoria and more about the feelings it's causing as a result? They're not wrong that there isn't much you can do about their voice, but that doesn't mean you can't do things that help with the depression or other negative feelings hitting them right now. For example, are they open to you offering up fun distractions that might give them a break from those crummy feelings? Or doing/saying things that affirm their gender in other ways?

I do want to mention that there are actually people who specialize in helping trans and nonbinary folks with "vocal therapy" to help them sound closer to how they want to. Renee, the vocal coach who we interview here (https://www.scarleteen.com/article/bodi ... raffirming) is actually nonbinary themselves and offers some free resources on their site for folks who are curious. Now, you know your partner better than I do, so you'll have a better sense of whether this is something they already know about and, if not, if telling them about it would be helpful.

I can try to distract them for a bit, but as soon as we stop or they start thinking about it again it falls down again and it's as if nothing happened. It seems to be the only thing they can think about at the moment. I can be affirming more often though, we express love very often but we don't talk about gender too much. They've had bouts of dysphoria before but this just breaks the scale, I've never seen them so dejected by dysphoria so severely for so long before. I'm just confused and at a bit of a loss, I hate not being able to help them with something that's affecting them so badly.

Thank you for the link to Renee, I will ask them if that's something they know of. Hopefully they will find it helpful

It's so hard when you want to help a partner or other loved one and there isn't much you can do. It sounds like what you're doing now, being affirming and offering distractions when you can, is all the right stuff to be doing! I can definitely understand why this would feel scary and upsetting for you as well; wanting to hear your partner's voice and not being able to is hard. There's no easy answer, here, but it sounds like you're doing everything you can.