What do I call what happened to me?

[autumnbee]

A few months ago I was dating a guy. We were fooling around, but everything was over the clothes. He was using his fingers over my underwear, all of this I consented to. But then, without asking me, he moved his fingers underneath my underwear and put one into my vagina. I didn't realize until a couple months later, a few weeks after we had broken up, that what he did wasn't okay. I think because when it was happening, I was distracted with how painful it was (I think it had to do with vaginal dryness caused by some medicines I take, but that's beside the point). He removed his finger when I told him it hurt and we stopped.

I don't think "rape" is the right word for what happened to me, but I'm starting to realize that it was traumatic. I really need to put a word to it. I have no way of knowing what his thought process was, but I think that he thought it was okay.

What do I call what happened? Assault? Abuse? Any advice or suggestions for what to call this would really help me work through this trauma. Thanks <3

[Carly]

Hey autumnbee -- I'm so sorry this happened to you. We're happy to talk through this with you, whatever you need to get out or ask questions about. Something I want to start with -- this wasn't okay, even if he thought what he was doing was ok. It sounds like you know this deep down by the way you've described everything. I just want to remind you that his intentions don't matter in defining what happened.

We can definitely help you define this for yourself, but it would be helpful to know more about how you're thinking about the different words you're wondering about. There's no "right" answer I'm looking for here, just go with your gut instinct or the first things that come to mind. To you, why doesn't the word rape feel applicable?

[autumnbee]

Thank you, I am very well aware that this wasn't okay. I know that fully, not just deep down.

Rape doesn't feel like the right word for a couple reasons. The first is that he didn't penetrate me with a sex organ, which would be the legal definition of rape. The second is that although what he did was wrong, it wasn't as violent as I think of rape being. Rape seems a bit extreme given the context of the situation.

[Nicole]

Hi autumnbee,

I am really, really sorry that you went through this. It is really unacceptable. There is a lot of confusion when it comes to the definition of rape and sexual assault in general. Rape does not always have to involve penetration with a sex organ nor does it have to be violent. I want to recommend you two of our articles that I think could help you out here:

• No Grey Area: A Journey Identifying and Healing from Sexual Assault

• What is Rape & What Is It Like to Be Raped?

I want to warn you that this material may be triggering and if you do not feel comfortable reading these articles, please let us know and we can simply relay some helpful information to you. If you're okay with moving forward and reading these articles, please let us know if anything resonates with you.