Mother Conflicts

[niayuki]

Since I have started maturing, talking about my view points or beliefs, learning more about sexuality and sex me and my mother have had more conflicts than what we use to have.
My mother is a Roman Catholic and believes almost everything she learned by the church and the bible. I have tried multiple times to try to make her respect my beliefs how I do with hers but every time I do something makes her become mad. The last time this occurred was about two to three days ago after doing groceries, I began telling my mom what my Spanish teacher told us that week. We had started are new vocabulary about discrimination, stereotypes and inequality. Our teacher told us stories of when she was my age how no girl could play sports because It was believed her Hymen or Corona would break if she did. When I told this to my mom I don't know how she started it but I do remember she said "A girl is no longer a virgin once she breaks her Hymen", I was kind of surprised she believed in that so I tried to correct her by explaining to her that what she was saying is an old folks tale or myth. I told her women sometimes are born without a Hymen or sometimes during growth or other activities it will no longer be there because of it and if she has a Hymen or not doesn't mean she has had intercourse but telling her that mad her mad so I decided to stop. This made me feel sad because I never remember having a Hymen and she will probably think I had intercourse if she finds out and in my family this is something horrible. Now that I mentioned how in my family losing our virginity or having intercourse is bad I recently was told my cousin who is 22 years old is expecting a baby without being married, my family and mother have been criticizing her because of this and the day my mother gave me the news of her pregnancy she began judging my cousin I couldn't stand hearing the things she was saying so I stood up for my cousin and told my mom my beliefs and that we should be thankful that our cousin was taking good care of herself and her baby that all that mattered was the health of her and the new little cousin that was on his/her way. This is just two of the many arguments or situations that cause me frustration, I have always wanted to be open with my mom and tell her everything but sadly I can't. The last time I was open to her and asked for permission so that my boyfriend could come over and help me with my homework, after finishing my homework we decided to watch a movie while she was there since we are not allowed to be alone. It felt awkward because she was there so we didn't feel comfortable talking and we were waiting for my brother to finish playing that way we could watch a movie so I decided to rest my head on him but when she saw me she began saying in Spanish that I was not married with him so I could not be near him or doing that, that I was acting like an "easy" girl and if we continued he would think he can touch me or have intercourse with me and she said other things which I forgot. I felt like crying when she said all this to me because she basically said I was acting as a s**t (sorry for the language) I don't know what I can do to make things better between us, there is probably nothing I can do but I still have a little of hope.

[Emma]

First of all: you seem amazingly mature, nonjudgemental, and bright--kudos to you for being so thoughtful and respectful not only towards your mother but towards your cousin and others who have made choices that you were brought up to believe are "bad." You are ahead of the game in that your understanding and sexual knowledge seems to be greater than your mother's, probably because of how she was raided and the generational gap.

What your mother says/implies about you (that you're "easy") seems to really hurt you, understandably so, but have you told your mother that? Telling her that you feel uncomfortable/judged around her might make her rethink how she's been talking to you and, even if her judgmental tendencies continue, she might be less likely to vocalize them to you. Try telling her at a time when you're not directly involved in a tense situation so she can react out of love rather than impulse.

If, however, she refuses to be more sensitive, you may have to start separating that part of your life (sex/romance) from her. Find another adult/guardian figure (like a guidance counselor or older friend) who you can have mature conversations with about sex, and don't broach the topic with your mom if it's going to provoke anger or arguments. You can still talk to your mom about everything else, just maybe stay away from the topic of sex if the only reaction you'll get is unnecessary hostility.

[niayuki]

There was one occasion in which I told my mother how she made me feel sometimes but she also became mad and said I was a "acomplejada" which I think its meaning or translation in English is full of complexes. I'm not sure why she reacted this way, I didn't say anything or at least I believe I didn't say anything to cause her anger. My boyfriend recommended me to tell her how I felt but it went all wrong.

[Emma]

I'm sorry to hear that. I'm glad you have a supportive boyfriend with whom you can confide in and discuss your relationship with your mother. I think at this point, your mother's unwillingness to be open to a heart-to-heart conversation is her problem, not yours. You aren't obligated to tell her things about your life as long as you have other trusted figures in your life who you can open up to so you don't keep everything bottled up.

This is a great article about dealing with parents who have different views on sex/relationships than you: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/relat ... w_can_i_st

And at the end of this article: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advic ... ur_parents there are some great resources under the section "Your parents might not always be the best adult for you to talk with."

[niayuki]

I would of liked to have some support from my mother or for her to respect my beliefs but it seems that won't ever happen. It's hard for me to realize that and I honestly have no adult I feel comfortable talking with, I only feel comfortable talking with my boyfriend about it but he wont always be there to help or support me.

Thank You for the articles once I am able to read them I will hopefully they will help me out

[Emma]

It's good that you seem to be able to accept the fact that your mother might not be the adult you confide in, but you should try to find one! A teacher or school counselor? An aunt? An older cousin? I am glad your boyfriend is so helpful, though.

[niayuki]

I've been searching for someone I can talk to and know she or he wont say anything of what I may tell them but for now I'm thankful my boyfriend is being supportive in such difficult times. I have a friend which I feel comfortable talking to but she sometimes doesn't agree with me or simply thinks I'm doing something wrong since she also has the mentality my mother was raised with.

[Emma]

Well, we are always here to help you sort through your thoughts and feelings about sex/relationships!