Wishes

[Whispermae]

Hi, I'd really like to chat if anyone's available. I'm not sure what's happening to me, but in dreams I feel intensely aroused. But when I wake up, nothing. No feeling. No sensation whatsoever. Just longing and longing, physical pain, wanting to feel so badly, totally numb.
My best friend had sex with a guy for the first time last week. Being sisters in everything but blood, she told me immediately. I'm not jealous. She deserves the world. I'm just… sad. Sad because I look at all the ways my body is marked, visibly and invisibly. Sad because my hair's fallen out and I now wear a wig and it makes me so incredibly self conscious. I was a beautiful girl. I am not beautiful anymore. I can't see myself as sexual. When I was being abused, I never wanted to see myself as sexual. But now it feels like that wish has come true in the worst way.
No one would want someone blackened on the breasts and thighs with lumps on the ribs and a patchy scalp that shows the shape of my skull.
I'm sad because I'm not even twenty one yet and I feel like I never got a chance. They say you're only young once. Not for me. I was never young.
I want to learn to feel aroused. I want to feel it even when I wake up and not just in dreams. I want all those good feelings my best friend talked about. But I'm not sure how to go about it.

[Sam W]

Hi Whispermae,

I'm sorry that what you and your body have gone through has left you feeling this way (it sounds like you may have been/are dealing with an illness on top of all this, but please correct me if I'm wrong about that). I will say that it doesn't surprise me that dreams are where you're feeling that intense arousal; your waking brain is dealing with things like trauma and these negative feelings about your appearance, and those emotions can make it very, very hard to feel anything close to arousal. But when you're asleep, it may be easier for your mind to generate that emotion. Does that make sense?

I wonder if something that would be helpful is to learn ways to challenge or push back against the negative thoughts you're having about your body and find a way to, if not love it right now, at least accept it or feel neutral about it. Does that sound like something you're open to trying?

[Whispermae]

Hi Sam,
Yeah, I agree - I think my dreams are my subconscious's way of - kind of getting back at me, if that makes sense?
Yes, I do have an illness, plus terrible side effects from the multiple psychiatric meds I've been on the past few years.
I don't expect to love my body. Half the time it doesn't even feel like it's my own. My Complex PTSD makes me shift into different versions of myself, which sometimes leads to me not recognising myself in the mirror. This has led to some unpleasant moments ("Who is that ugly old woman in the mirror?" and anger and sadness when I realize it's me.
But none of that really has to do with my sexuality, and that's the main issue here. I don't even know how to feel aroused. If I try leaning into it, it stops. If I push it away, it stops. If I just let it be, it stops. Nothing's working!!!

[Sam W]

You know, I wonder if it would be helpful to think of those dreams as not being about your subconscious getting back at you, but more about your brain just exploring things and, in the process, encountering things that arouse you.

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with an illness and side effects on top of everything else. I think that situation, along with the symptoms of complex PTSD and how they're causing you to feel about, or feel disconnected from at times, your body may all be playing a role in the struggles you're having with arousal. Just one of those things alone--illness, trauma, dislike of ones body--can seriously hinder arousal, so having them all piling up is just an incredibly unfair mountain of things to be navigating.

With all that in mind, I suspect a helpful way to go about this may actually be starting with small steps designed to help people connect with their sexuality after traumatic experiences. Have you ever had the chance to read, watch, or listen to resources like that?

[Whispermae]

No, but I'd like to have such resources.

The thing is, I always feel like others had more trauma. Coupled with the fact that my family does not think I warrant a diagnosis of Complex PTSD (despite the psychiatrist saying so.)

I liked what you said about my subconscious not getting back at me. With hallucinations and sleep paralysis (my friend once asked me "How on earth can one person have so many problems?"), my head is not a fun place to be at night. But maybe it's because it's safer to be aroused in dreams because nothing can hurt me there. So maybe I can be free to just feel.

I think it may be a lot better if I can find a better place to masturbate? Somewhere I'm not constantly worried that my mum will start screaming about water wastage and be waiting with folded arms for me to leave the bathroom. Not a very conducive environment for pleasure, to be sure! Unfortunately, I need the water - I've tried everything else. We need to save water here as there isn't much and I'm being very selfish. I'm ashamed for using such a precious resource for my sexual pleasure. I feel like a horrible, low down cockroach of society.

I wish things weren't this way. I don't want to complain. I'm trying not to sound complainy. I'm sorry.

[Sam W]

Okay! One resource I really like is "The Survivors Guide to Sex" or "Healing Sex", both by Staci Haines. If you can find them, those are really good starting places. You could also check out Agents of Ishq; they're a sex ed site like ours but based in India, and a lot of their content is people sharing personal accounts, including people talking about healing from sexual assault and reconnecting with their sexuality: https://agentsofishq.com/.

You know, it's actually totally fine if you want to complain. You have some pretty dang valid things to complain about! Too, as your psychiatrist may have pointed out CPTSD doesn't care that other people have "more" trauma (which is already a pretty useless metric, because trauma interacts with people in different ways and what feels like a massive trauma to one person may not feel like that to another). Your CPTSD is happening to you, and that's ultimately what matters and makes it worth addressing.

You're right that a bathroom with a parent knocking on the door or waiting outside, annoyed, is not a good setting for pleasure. Do you have any ability to plan your baths for when your mom is out of the house, or other times when you'd be less likely to be monitored or disturbed? I don't actually think it's all that selfish to use a tad bit of extra water to take care of yourself, but there can definitely be a balance of trying to make sure your needs are being met without using up more of a resource than you can afford to use in a given span of time.