Scarleteen

My 16 yo daughter told me last week that she’s dating a girl friend. All good, we like this kid a lot. BUT the girls planned a sleepover, and they want to sleep in the same bed.

Before this dating disclosure I was OK with this.

Now, knowing they’re dating, it changes the equation. I am not comfortable with this arrangement. This is a very new relationship, and they are both minors.

My husband and I talked with our daughter and said we weren’t on board with the sleepover given this new development. We offered alternatives (e.g. run of the basement rec room until 10 then late night ride home)

She rejects all offers, is super emotional about it, responded very negatively, replete with “I’m not attracted to her we’re just dating, “I hate you” “I’m going to run away” crying and kicking. Our house is in an uproar.

What do I do? She is otherwise a steady, easy going kid.

I feel really bad she is so upset, but at the same time very uneasy about this situation.

Hi Nancymcjensen,

Oof, this sounds like a really tough situation, in part because it's kicking up some unexpected emotional reactions from your daughter. I think there might be a few different things going on that could be contributing to all this that, if addressed, might resolve it a little.

Can you give me a sense of whether you and your daughter had previous discussions about what things would/wouldn't be permitted if she brought a partner home? "No spending the night in the same bed" is a pretty common boundary, but I wonder if she was assuming a different set of limits and that's part of why this feels so unexpected or restrictive to her.

I also think it'd be worth having a conversation with her, if you haven't already, about why she's drawing that distinction between "dating" and "attraction," and what dating as a concept means, and involves, to her. For instance, is dating only about romance or some other form of connection? I bring this up because younger folks, especially younger queer folks, have more exposure to the idea that romantic and sexual attraction don't always have to overlap than previous generations did.

Too, coming at the conversation from that angle may also diffuse any parts of this argument that are coming from you and she thinking of dating in different ways without realizing that's what either of you are doing.

Sam thank you so much. We haven’t discussed romantic partner guidelines as she hasn’t dated yet. So now we are .

This is the first time she’s explicitly told us she’s dating, and that it’s same sex. So she’s likely pretty worked up about that as that’s a big deal. (I was not totally surprised, her social crew is a mix of heterosexual girls, non-binary kids and lesbians.)

In taking about this she remarked (at high volume) “We’re just dating” “I’m not attracted to her physically” and “I’m not a lesbian.” She doesn’t seem to perceive the difference between a platonic friend sleepover vs a romantic partner one. So as you suggest it sounds like a convo about what dating looks like for her is in the cards. She knows we are fine with wherever her preference ends up.

FWIW I wish she didn’t feel the need input a label on it and just enjoy being with her friend! They are both great young women.

Hi Nancymcjensen,

Yeah, I believe a conversation about what dating looks like for her would be ideal so you both are on the same page. As Sam mentioned, there can be a generational disconnect when it comes to putting labels on relationships. Based on what your daughter is saying, it seems like this relationship may be casual (going on dates, getting to know each other, spending time together) with the possibility of becoming romantic in the future. She could just be trying out labels for this relationship and seeing what sticks. This is all just speculation though, I'm just including my thoughts since I'm close in age to her!

I'm glad to hear that you're supportive of her. You're treating this situation like you would if she wanted to have a sleepover with a boy that she was dating, so I'm sure she knows it's not an attack on her sexuality or relationship. As Sam said, this is a common boundary that parents set for their kids.

Please let us know if you need any further assistance!