Scarleteen

I'm 18, I'm a trans man, and ever since starting Tesosterone I've been pretty horny all the time (which is a normal side effect). I'm a virgin, the one partner I've had I've never even kissed. In fact the first time we ever held hands was the day that he broke up with me. My best friend says that she assumed I was ace because I don't "radiate sexual energy" which kind of offended me, mostly because I hate the idea of being perceived as ace or as a nonsexual being, I want to have sex, but I have a hard time feeling like I'm desired, I'm pretty chubby, hairy all over, I've got acne all over too ever since starting T. If anyone has ever found me attractive, I don't know it. I'm gay but I'm scared of cis guys my age because of past experience with bullying. I don't have a lot of friends, just my best friend who's a girl and my ex who admitted to never having feelings for me.

I've been reading smut fanfiction since I was 14, and watching porn for about a year, I've gotten horny plenty of times and wanted to do things about it. But every time I've tried to masturbate the "normal" way, I don't feel anything. I touch my clit and all I feel is skin or just being oversensitive. I either don't feel anything at all, or I feel too much to the point where it almost hurts. I've done this while horny already, rubbed around the area and such, and I just don't feel anything, sometimes it even ruins my mood. And the few times I've gone so far as to try to finger myself, it just plain hurts. I know it's supposed to hurt the first time, since I've never been penetrated before (the one time I tried to put in a tampon when I was younger it was so painful I couldn't stand it), but even when it stops hurting it just feels weird.

Then at some point, I realized I had a tickling kink. I always thought that the reason I felt super uncomfortable with my family tickling each other platonically was because I hated being tickled, or had bad memories of it as a kid. But then I realized it was because I actually got off on it. I kind of freaked out at first, I thought it was super weird and I was super ashamed about it. But I started watching videos of people being tickled on pornhub, and it made me really aroused, so I essentially rub my legs together while watching it, without touching myself at all, and I'm able to orgasm just from that. Sometimes it takes longer depending on the video, and I can't orgasm from it more than once a day, I can try but it just won't happen. This has turned into what masturbating means for me. I'm kind of ashamed of it, embarrassed by it, but it's the only way I've ever been able to orgasm. It feels good, but I still feel like it could feel better, it never feels "special" I guess is what I'm trying to get at.

If you asked me why I like it, and I've thought about that a lot, I'd say it's because I like the torture aspect of it, except other forms of torture, like masochism, just don't seem to do it for me, at least not like that. I'm worried that if I ever had a partner who allowed me to explore this with them, that they would expect to be able to tickle me back. But I don't want that, being tickled personally just reminds me of my Dad, who I have a lot of complex feelings about. He used to tickle me as a kid even though I told him to stop, which is a bit different than in a sexual context when there's consent beforehand.

I really wish I had a dick sometimes, mostly for gender reasons, but also because it just seems like it would be so much easier to masturbate. I also am pretty sure I'm a top, just one who needs to work on confidence, and it would suck to be a top who doesn't have a dick, lol.

Either way, I want to have sex, definitely not yet but someday when I have a partner. But this stuff makes things really complicated. Like for one, I don't know if I ever want to have a guy stick his dick in me, at least not in my pussy. Maybe I'll change my mind some day, maybe I'll find out I like it. I don't know. But I'm afraid that if I get a boyfriend who wants to have sex with me, he'll want that from me, and I won't know how to say no. I'm not very good at saying no all the time. Which brings me to another topic.

I've gone through a lot of mental illness stuff, I'm pretty sure there's some sort of trauma that I had as a kid that I don't remember. One of the many reasons is that last year, I used to go through periods where I would be triggered by something, and suddenly I would hate being touched, I'd want to hide my body from everyone, the thought of doing anything sexual was terrifying, and I'd get this feeling in my gut, I'd feel sick, like I had been used or something. This would come and go, and it hasn't happened in a long time, but I've also been repressing things recently. I'm scared that whatever I might uncover might deter me even further away from wanting to have sex.

This is kind of a messy sexual life story, but I guess I just need a) some explanations as to why i might be experiencing these things and b) some reassurance. Thank you for taking the time to read.

Hey campyglitterlex - there's a lot here that we can talk about, and I know I won't be able to address it all in one go. So I'm going to start with this, and I'm sure it will all continue to unfold from there.

Masturbation not meeting expectations is one of the most common questions we get on the board, with a lot of folks feeling like they're not doing it correctly or unsure why they're not feeling the sensations they are hoping to feel. I noticed that you said that you feel like the way you have been masturbating hasn't felt "special." Why does it feel like that? What goals or expectations do you have for masturbation? Does it go beyond feeling an orgasm?

Basically, there's no wrong way to masturbate. And our bodies are all so different that there's not a whole lot of direction we can give beyond continuing to explore that with yourself. If something isn't working for you, your body tells you. It might hurt when you don't want it to, or it may not feel sensitive or particularly pleasurable. Something I do want to flag is to make sure your exploration is not rooted in trying to learn to like something you don't like because you think you should. Does that make sense?

I realize I probably put too many topics all in one post but I was reaching out because I had a lot of things on my mind I guess.

I guess the way I phrased it was a bit weird, but I think what I meant by "it doesn't feel special" was more like, I feel like if I actually had sex with a person it would feel more erotic? Right now it almost just feels like I'm giving in to a bodily urge, like eating or sleeping, but I feel like it would feel better if I slept with someone I cared about a lot.

Maybe you're right, maybe masturbating the "normal" way just isn't something I'm going to enjoy. I'll probably feel weird about that, but I guess I could work around it.

Hi campyglitterlex,

No worries, sometimes it just helps to get all the questions out at once and then address them in clusters.

With those feelings around masturbation not feeling special compared to how partnered sex might feel, it can help to think of both those things as existing on a continuum. There can be instances of partnered sex that feel incredible and special, others that feel nice but nothing to write home about, and others that are pretty underwhelming or feel like they happened through a mutual need to blow off steam and nothing deeper than that. With masturbation, plenty of people use it the way you described--to meet an urge--but plenty of people also have masturbation sessions where they really make a special event of it. The vast majority of people will seek out and/or experience different points on those continuums throughout their lives. Does that make sense?

I want to dig a little deeper into how you feel about not being able to masturbate the "normal" way, because I think it might tie in with some of the other things you asked about. There isn't a normal way to masturbate, there's just the way(s) that work for an individual's body. But it sounds like the thought that you'd need to masturbate in a way that's less common or not as talked about would make you feel weird. Why do you think you feel that way? And do you think those feelings are coming from the same set of messages or ideas that make you feel like you couldn't be a top (whatever that means to you in this instance) or that having a cis guy partner would mean being with someone who was pushing for vaginal sex?

There's already a LOT of questions in my response, and I don't want to overload you, but I do have a final thing I want to check on: you mention you've been repressing things. Does that mean you have traumatic events in your past that you're trying to keep as far from your mind as possible? Or something else?

Yes, that makes sense.

I probably feel that way because I'm embarrassed, not just about the way I masturbate but the fact that I don't do it by fingering myself or "touching myself," which I've always thought of as the "normal" way for people who have vaginas to masturbate.

You're probably right about it coming from the same set of messages that make me feel that way about that stuff, I guess because my sexuality doesn't fit into a neat box that fits what society expects of me, I feel like I'm not "normal." But you're right, there is no "normal" and that's something I have to work on unlearning in my head.

A lot of this comes from a fear that when I do get a boyfriend who I'm ready to have sex with, they'll expect a lot of things from me that I don't want. I hope that we can lay out boundaries when it comes to this.

As far as the repression thing goes, I struggle with repression in a lot of ways, I have a lot of mental illnesses and trauma. But as far as it comes to sexual things, I have a feeling that I may have some sort of sexual trauma that I don't remember, because of the symptoms I mentioned in the original post (feeling jumpy, not wanting anyone to touch me, hiding my body so no one will touch me, dissociating whenever the topic if sex comes up, being temporarily repulsed by sex). These symptoms aren't here all the time, in fact they haven't come up in a while, which tracks with the fact that for a long time I was repressing my depression symptoms as well. But when the symptoms do come up they really scare me, because I have no recollection of ever having sexual trauma that may cause me to feel this way.

I haven't had a therapist to talk to this about in a long time because I stopped getting therapy since it wasn't really helping me. I did talk to my therapist about these symptoms when I still had one, I can't remember what she said though. I have a dissociative disorder which can really mess with my memory sometimes.

I know that if I somehow remember this trauma, I'll probably be repulsed by sex for a long time. I just hope that I can heal from that.

Hi campyglitterlex,

I hope it's okay that I'm jumping in! I think you have a great understanding of how there is no "normal" regarding sexuality, as well as your plans on setting boundaries with a future partner!

I'm really sorry to hear about what you've been experiencing. Repression is a defense mechanism that I tend to experience myself, which certainly does not help when you're trying to get to the bottom of your behaviors. I know you said that therapy wasn't helping you, but this all sounds quite frustrating and I think it would help to talk to a professional about it. Do you have the ability to go back to therapy? If so, it might help to find a different therapist or even one that has some kind of specialty in trauma-related symptoms. This might help with figuring out why you experience these feelings, as well as how to work with them so you can enjoy sexual activities. Therapy can certainly help guide you through this! What do you think?

Finding a therapist who specialized in my specific disorder who didn't charge out of pocket was really hard, but I guess I can try looking for someone again, maybe instead who focuses just on trauma recovery.

But with therapy, I have to also think about finding a therapist who understand autistic patients, and who is educated on dealing with a trans patient. I have had therapists and psychiatrists in the past who were completely uneducated on trans people and regularly misgendered me. Needing all of this on top of someone who specializes in trauma and dissociative disorders is like finding a needle in a haystack- and believe me, my parents and I have searched for a long time.

One of the main reasons that I quit therapy was because many of my therapists refused to listen to me when it came to some of the feelings that came up around my parents. I spent 2-3 years in and out of intensive therapy programs, psych wards, and one residential program, and the process itself is something that has been traumatic for me. At this point I honestly just feel like therapy isn't a good fit for me, and that I'm better off working through my issues on my own. I don't know if this will be the case long term though, especially if repressed memories come back.

Hi campyglitterlex,

Oof, yeah, trying to find mental healthcare where you have overlapping needs that require specialization can be incredibly frustrating (especially when some of them, like trans competence, ought to be more standard for therapists than they actually are). And that's before we get to the trauma history you have related to care. If therapy doesn't feel like the right fit, or isn't on the table for the time being, have you done any investigation into resources that can help people self-manage things like a diagnosis? I also know that there's a growing body of directories related to care for trans people, so if you decide to seek out trauma support, those could be good starting places (if you aren't already using them).

Circling back to one of your previous answers about feeling embarrassed by not masturbating in the way that seems expected given your anatomy, something that can help is to reframe that for yourself as a positive thing. One of the cool things about human sexual desire and response is that it's so varied, and learning what feels good to our bodies allows us to experience firsthand just how diverse bodies and sexual response can be.

I can start looking into self help methods, and I know of a few resources for trans people in my area, so I can look for those as well.

I'll try to reframe it as a positive thing, I have a history of judging myself on the simplest of things, so that is something I can work on unlearning.

Hey campyglitterlex -- I'm glad you're willing to undertake a process of unlearning with what you're asking about. Deconstructing your own judgements of yourself often reveals a lot.

Something else I wanted to ask about was when you said you'd be afraid to tell a partner no if they wanted to do something you didn't want. I know this has some ties to other things going on, but do you feel quipped to have a conversation like that? Do you often have a hard time talking about boundaries in general?