i regret this so bad

[Lyle Lanley]

yesterday i've had my first kiss, but not with my partner (let's call him L, who is long distance) but with another guy (A) , who i am not attracted to and lives pretty far away from me- we see each other sometimes because our parents work together.
i can't determine if it was an accident, or who kissed first, it just happened. when i came back home i was debating whether i should tell my partner or not, but ultimately decided to do so.
when i told xem, xe was disappointed and asked me to give xem some space and time to think about it. this morning xe asked me if it was an accident (it was) and xe said that xe forgive me and wants to be w/ me still, but it hasn't sunken in yet and xe feels a bit betrayed.
i asked xem if we could set boundaries, surprisingly we never did so in a year of being together and just took everything for granted. no reply yet and i hope it's just cos xe didn't have time.

idk, i just want to be happy and feel lucky to have xem again. this tension and sadness between us is just painful. i think it will be solved by talking to xem but xe haven't answered and i know xe is prolly still feeling mad and betrayed and i have a feeling this will never return to normal again.

PS: i am polyamourous and have another queerplatonic partner (Y) but we're all aware of each other, and being polyam is no excuse for me being the asshole i was. plus my relationship with L was more romantic in nature than the one with Y who has the more "platonic" side. and A doesn't mean anything to me (he thinks i'm a cishet girl and he doesn't even know who my favourite band is, which is crucial information to anyone who knows me!)

[Lyle Lanley]

also, the kiss was disgusting. teeth clashing, tongue slashing and saliva sloshing... not for me. now trying to think/fantasize about kissing anybody else or having any type of romantic closeness repulses me. idk if i might be on the ace/aro spectrum and this is a "symptom", or if it's just cos of this event not leaving a positive impression, or *both*, sooooo

[Sam W]

Hi mcjupiter,

This sounds like a tough situation for everyone. I think you're right that continuing to actively communicate with L is the sound choice here. If you want some tools for having those conversations about boundaries, that's something we can help you out with.

I do think it's worth taking a closer look at your interaction with A; getting clarity on how it happened may make it easier to work through your feelings on the whole situation. Kissing is a mutual action, and not really something that can happen accidentally. Did A ask first? Did A kiss you and you made the choice to kiss back? Was there any conversation before or after the kiss to lend context to it?

[Lyle Lanley]

updates.

looking back from the turmoil of when the thing happened, A had basically molestated me. he initiated and i did not know what to do. i "froze" and let it happen. i faulted myself over it so i told my boyfriend that it happened, but not the precise dynamic.
we are now better in our relationship. and i don't talk to A anymore.

[Nicole]

Hi Lyle Lanley,

None of this was your fault, at all. I'm glad that everything has worked out since then. I hope you're doing okay. If want to continue the conversation, please let us know. We're here for you!