Scarleteen

Ok so I'm not sure I'm being 100% accurate with how weird and seemingly contradicting this is but I'll try being as simple and clear as I can

I am seeing a therapist but I just can't talk face to face about it

The thing is that I'm not sure I feel satisfied with my body as it is, and got some sensation / urge to sort of want to gain weight...? Not muscle I mean just getting fat

Before anything I'm perfectly aware it's possible to remain healthy despite it (and I don't mean like to a degree I can't get through doors or stuff since I want to do everything normally)

But the thing is when I'm skinny I also like my image, my 'outside appearance' even if not in the inside, sexually, etc

And I also feel more comfortable with how other people see me positively as I am right now which would get lost if I got heavier, and as I said I wouldn't do it in a dangerous way but still it's got to be tedious and awkward to repeat that I'm healthy over and over

Besides for sheer practicality it's better to just keep the same, I don't know for sports and stuff

I'm fairly calm now but I still have no idea what exactly is this or how to deal with it if 'I can get rid of one side'

Not even sure if I should have put all of it but now guess it's got to be at least a bit useful

Thank you in advance for reading this thing

Hi aya,

I think a useful starting point might be to think about that urge to gain weight seems to come from. Does it seem to happen when you experience certain things or feel certain emotions? And when you envision it, what feels appealing about it to you?

Too, since this is something it sounds like you may want to eventually bring to your therapist, do you want to talk about some ways to introduce the topic that might be more comfortable for you?

Hi thanks for answering

It just happens to me randomly at any time, when I just feel out of nowhere like "yeah I would love it", but it will always happen to me when I get aroused. I sort of just find large soft bodies more comfortable to touch and fun to move around if it makes any sense. Like pillows.

I really don't see it fesible to bring it up, I felt super terrible when telling the therapist I only liked fat girls. This? Not a chance I would be able to return again, so I'll look somewhere else how to get rid of it. Can't talk about it inderectly either since that time it's just what I did and would be obvious, besides it wasn't possible to do anything back then until I admitted it. I don't hate this drive to gain weight, just find it more practical and "mentally peaceful" (...?) as I am right now. Mostly just see it as an inconvinience and if it goes away I wouldn't regret it.

Thank you for those details, they're very helpful! It almost sounds more like this is less about feeling like your body isn't right for you in some way and more about feeling attraction to a certain body type and wondering if you'd like that body on yourself. Does that sound about right?

When you mentioned your attraction to fat women to your therapist, did they make you feel terrible or judged for it? Or was it coming more from internal sources?

Yes, that's pretty much what it seems to be about, in a way having and feeling the things I'm attracted to so to speak...? BUT thinking it the cold, rational way I think I might enjoy it's absence in me more (For example I touch the small bit of tummy I do have and go like "more", but then seeing a picture I took and imagining myself larger gets me right away like "think how they'll see you, how they'll compare and prefer you before, just imagine family wanting you to see the nutristionist and being told forever to loose just because even if I do it healthy")

And no, I wasn't judged, simply me kind of deeply regretting it at first, failing over and over to convince myself it was ok and I didn't do anything wrong or strange, until now it supposedly was the right thing to do (since that was giving me a huge crysis so I needed to clarify, but now I'm fine). Yet I have no idea how could I ever manage to say it out loud and I'm very convinced I wouldn't want to repeat it no matter what.

Hi aya,

I hope it's okay that I'm jumping in. You seem to hold external judgment quite highly, especially when it comes from family, which I completely understand. How would you feel if you were to look at the picture you took and put external judgment aside? Would you still have any doubts?

I want to clarify--you're thinking that you might be attracted to a physical quality that you don't have yourself? That could very well be possible. How do you feel about that?

I'm glad to know that your therapist did not judge you for your attraction. I really hoped they wouldn't! I know you mentioned earlier that you would not show your face in therapy if you ever admitted that--do you still feel this way? I know you said that your thoughts on your body image do not need to be brought up in therapy, but I think you could benefit from it. It seems like it's really on your mind. Your therapist may be able to help you get to the bottom of this and work through it. What do you think?

If I don't consider others while imagining myself having gained weight I still feel like I'm missing on something, it's still bad but to a lesser extent

I'm fairly positive it's that way, I find it pleasing, exciting and whatnot even though it's not in me right now

Of course I very well may technically stop it by therapy, but with how impossible and awkward I find bringing it up, and also seeing that I'm just not as bothered by it and don't always think about it, comes off as too "expensive" for something not as important. I believe I could open up back then with how awful it got so I stopped caring and just let go all resignated.

You know, it's absolutely okay if this doesn't feel like it rises to the level of needing to address with a therapist. We all experience so many thoughts and feelings and it's a useful skill to be able to tell when one rises to the level of "I should do something about this." And, from the sound of it, it seems like your feelings about your own body and gaining weight closer to the "this could be nice" kind than the "I have to do something about this NOW" kind.

Very well worded but I'd say it's the more like middle ground between those 2. I don't get a super strong unstable sensation but it just doesn't go away. It will continue to return for months, maybe years. I'm right now convinced I'd prefer it to go but at times I'm not so sure. I'm just confused. I swear it would be just the other way and I would want to go back if I decided to accept it. But whatever happens, I can't manage to address it with my therapist. I'm going to have to find other ways.

Hi aya,

I hope it's okay that I'm jumping in as well. I really appreciate you being vulnerable and sharing this here. I wanted to ask something to help clarify - you had mentioned earlier in the thread that your therapist showed no judgement with your attraction. Is judgement something you're worried about when sharing your feelings with your therapist? Earlier in the thread you had mentioned that therapy might be something that helps, but you feel too embarrassed to bring it up. Would it help to shift perspective on the outcome of bringing it up? This is just something that helps me when I struggle with opening up about something and I just wanted to offer that if it may help you.

Well, I've lately been trying a trick of going for a new look to focus on that instead... sort of does distract me and makes it go away for longer. I'm going to keep this up for now.